Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’ve been looking backwards a lot lately—not because you’re longing for the past, but only to attempt to cover your tracks. Why don’t you want people knowing how you got here? Or is it that you’re embarrassed or ashamed of the detours you took along the way? Ironically, all your efforts to hide or obscure where you’ve been only point them out, because they stand in stark contrast to your usual forthrightness. If you don’t want us to notice, pay attention to, or care about what you’ve been up to before, you’ve got to stop focusing so intently on it. Keep your eyes on where you’re headed and who you are now.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

On one level you come off as incredibly capable and accomplished; on another you often seem nervous and insecure. People who are just meeting you see this as a conflict. How, they wonder, did this shy, wilting wallflower do so much? They’re just not aware of the determined, five-steps-forward, four-steps-back method of forward progress you’ve made pretty much your whole life, how when you’ve moved too fast in the past, you’ve usually been slapped and chastened. But revealing all that stuff isn’t the way to get their alliance—transcending it is. No one’s poised to trip you up if you sprint the next lap. Rise above your difficult history.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

In theory, I’m trilingual. But since I spend most of my time speaking only two of my languages, the third’s nearly inaccessible. On those rare occasions when I’m called upon to use it, I make embarrassing gaffes and speak like a child. It’s not that I’ve lost completely lost that knowledge—I’ve forgotten how to quickly access it. You, too, are struggling to remember something you once knew intimately. It’s frustrating, I know, but stick with it. For me it takes a week or three before I’ve rebuilt the synaptic connections to my rusty tongue. It might take longer (or shorter) for you, but there’s no question in my mind that—if you persist—you’ll get there.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

How many times do I—and all your friends—have to tell you how amazing you are before you’ll stop being so insecure? You’re incredible—except when you’re not. When’s that? Whenever you hold yourself back because you can’t quite believe how much you’re capable of. That’s just self-defeatist bullshit, and I’m as bored of it as you are. You’ve had countless moments of validation: basically whenever you’ve tried something (with a very few exceptions), you’ve succeeded. Yet somehow you doubt that you can repeat your accomplishments. Well, get the hell over it, please. When you do—and not before—you’ll quite likely be, well, rich and successful.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your sign is the province of little children and the ancient. The essence of Aries is playful, innocent, slightly selfish, enthusiasm. Little kids are like that. So are some old people—the ones who are so over it they’re into it again. They’ve released the responsibility and heaviness they’ve shouldered their whole lives, to just play. Everything’s funny to toddlers of all ages. What a cool way of being! And you’re lucky enough to have it come naturally. Why would you bother straying far from it? You may not quite have the freedom (enjoyed by the very old and young) to just play all the time—but surely you can justify doing so on most nights and weekends.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You think you’ve got it hard? Bullshit. Sure, you’ve got problems. But your biggest difficulty, quite frankly, is your mind; most of your troubles arise from having too much time on your hands; time you involuntarily use to create drama out of stuff you should be too busy to worry about. Are these dilemmas real? Yeah, but only because you made them come to life, like Frankenstein’s monster, stitched together out of lots of little shit that would’ve rested quietly out of sight if you’d just had the sense to not dig it up. Your idle mind can only make you miserable, at the moment. Don’t give it another spare moment; shit’s stirred up enough as it is.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Everyone’s heard of someone’s granddad who’s allegedly never been sick a day in his very hard life (naturally, rife with poverty, abominable working conditions, and crushing responsibilities). You’ve also surely encountered some ridiculous ex-child-prodigy who started her own company at 13, and is a multi-talented multi-millionaire ten years later. But you can’t hold yourself to those standards. Really. Most of us are just regular folk trying to do something cool with our lives. Admire these freaks of nature. Certainly aspire to greatness yourself. But don’t be ridiculously unrealistic. You can’t do it the way they did. Please don’t kill yourself trying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A ladybug has taken shelter in my apartment. I wonder if it’s escaped the frozen death it faced outside just so it can wait longer to die, or if has some reason to continue. How about you? I don’t mean to be too dramatic, but you’re reminding me of that insect. Does your current inaction stem from helplessness or apathy? Is there really nothing you can do, or simply nothing you can motivate yourself to do? I suspect the latter. Waiting for something to happen won’t work for the ladybug, or for you. Get your butt in gear, darling. It’s a long time ‘til spring.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You may be extremely sensitive to others’ opinions, but you’re no follower. Their perspectives don’t have much power to swiftly sway you. You’re not, however, immune (as some suspect). They’re just not patient enough. You absorb every judgment; each one is like a planted seed. Some of those seeds are buried and never seen again. But a surprising number find fertile soil and sprout. This is important—nay, vital—information for some of those close to you, who might be frustrated by your unresponsiveness to their desires. Some plants take a season to germinate, and far longer to bear fruit. Let them know they’re just operating on the wrong timetable.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

There’s nothing wrong with needing love and attention. You have a vaguely guilty feeling about it simply because it’s unfamiliar—you’re usually so independent and self-contained. But this week, you “selfishly” need someone to give you lots of love and nurture, without necessarily getting anything in return. Of course, admitting you need it is only the first step. You also have to overcome several other hurdles: asking for it, and accepting it when it’s offered. The reason I mention this: to assuage your primary fear (whether you admit or not) that once you manage to admit and ask for the love you need, no one will be willing to give it. That’s just plain silly.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some Libras have a problem: they’re nice. Fine. Unfortunately, they’re stuck with this idea that the only alternative to nice is not nice. Nasty. Mean-spirited. Ugly. Sure, that’s one option. But for the majority of you (who are, I believe, more evolved than that) you know there are other options. Recognize that nice is a fine starting point, but to finish there is about as dull as dishwater. You’ve got to push the boundaries of who you are until it goes beyond the tedious mundane qualities of nice, sweet, and pretty. Stretch beyond nice until you’re simply amazing. Anything less—quite frankly—will just bore us to tears.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’ve never known you to be so romantic. I don’t mean red roses and seduction—that’s well-trodden ground. I just have never known you to wear such a Vaseline-smeared lens when reviewing your memories, distorting them into appealing confections that they simply are not. Why are you subjecting yourself to such powerful self-delusion? Is it because your present isn’t what you wish it were? Trying to relive or recreate half-forgotten chapters isn’t the right way to improve it. Even if you “succeeded,” the new version would never be what it was—and you might even destroy anything good about the old version while you’re at it.

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If there was ever a time that was well-suited to forthright directness, it’s now. If you can’t say it without equivocation, there’s no hope. Be boldly honest, even if it makes you sound a little like an asshole. If it’s real, it’ll work out. I know it flies in the face of your overly-cautious instincts. Your self-editing mechanisms will resent being turned off. But there are some things that tact and diplomacy can’t accomplish. When you need to get shit done, you’ve got to speak from the heart, the gut—anywhere but your hyper-analytical head.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I don’t think you’re naturally masochistic, but sometimes you put yourself in situations where you simply collect rejections like candy on Halloween. It’s not that you deserve so many rebuffs—it’s the way you’re going about it, and where, and with whom. You know, rationally, that your methods aren’t likely to yield success, yet you insist on plugging away with them, anyway. Take a step back. Putting your nose the grindstone may eventually get you somewhere. But there’s an easier way, one which involves a much more selective and thoughtful application of your energies. Use that brilliant mind of yours to stop punishing yourself and start getting somewhere, instead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The beaten path isn’t for you. Even when you try to follow it, you end up tripping and falling off a cliff. Your route is not the one that’s tried-and-true. You’ve got to forge your own unique way to your destination. This is hopeful; not a cause for despair. You suck at following others’ footsteps. That almost never works, even for the people who are good at it. Doing things “the way they’re always done,” just isn’t the right way for you, no matter what people tell you. So if you’re on the 10-lane highway, get off it. Start bushwhacking. It’ll feel right in a way the interstate never did—you’ll see.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Some seeds only sprout after a hard frost, or a forest fire. Sometimes a struggle is just what you need. Without it, you’re never pushed to crack open the resources or parts of yourself capable of greatness. This is why you always put yourself into challenging situations; it’s your route to personal evolution. However, don’t take this as a mandate to keep doing things exactly the same (difficult) way. Your struggles shouldn’t be repeating themselves. If you keep revisiting the same challenge, it’s because you haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to get from it. Hopefully, this week should present you with a new contest. If it doesn’t, figure out why.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When I moved in, the walls of my apartment wore 7 layers of wallpaper and paint. It was difficult to describe the place without using the words “dingy” and “run-down.” Stripping the walls and soaking them with a fresh coat, however, made it something entirely different. You, too, have recently (or perhaps not so recently) moved in somewhere that’s not exactly the homey haven you imagined and hoped for. It could be, though. Your job, this week, is to determine exactly how much energy and time you’d need to transform it. Then you can decide, finally, whether it’s worth it to stick around, or simply easier to find someplace new.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I have this utter compulsion to share everything (and everyone) I enjoy. Subconsciously I believe they’ll love what and who I do. I know that’s ridiculous, especially given my taste in highly original friends. I’ve optimistically organized countless parties populated by people who mixed as well as oil and water, or forced my buddies to endure experiences I should’ve known they’d despise, just because I couldn’t wrap my head around our essential differences. Don’t make the same mistake. Your intentions are good, but not appreciated—at least not by these people. If you want them to stick around, chill out. You can still enjoy the thing(s) you were so eager to share—by yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Some bats screw during hibernation season. The winged mammals sleep through most of the winter, only waking occasionally to drink and mate. When a male awakens he helps himself to various comatose females before he settles back in to sleep the rest of the winter. So it’s the lot of the lady bat to go to sleep a virgin and wake up pregnant. You might feel similarly surprised this week, although hopefully this exact scenario will pass you by. Minor crimes against you are likely to be perpetrated while you’re not paying attention. Don’t focus on revenge. It won’t work. Don’t let these wrongs become bigger ones by damaging you forever. Do what you need to do to escape with minimal harm.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

There’s very little you can’t do. But let’s face it: just because you’re capable of something doesn’t mean you enjoy it. This week it’s important to make the distinction: are you doing something because it pleases others, or because it pleases you? A lot of Leos get into this trap of doing shit because it earns them praise and admiration. That’s not entirely a bad thing, and certainly not a reason to stop. But I think it’s important to find something you’d do whether anyone else praised you (or even noticed) or not—and this week is the right time to start doing, at least part-time, exactly that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I spent about an hour singing your praises tonight. I love Virgos. But I found myself, at the end, feeling stung with compassion when I was compelled to add: “But I wouldn’t want to be one.” You sure don’t have it easy. The problem is, you often make things look so easy—accomplishing more with one hand than any two of us could do with our whole bodies. Many people don’t appreciate how much effort it actually takes. This week is a good time to gently clue them in. If you do it sweetly and without a built-in guilt trip, my solo song of praise will almost instantly blossom into a full-on choir.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your prince(ss) in shining armor won’t come galloping up on a magnificent white stallion to rescue you from your problems. So why do you think they might get dragged in, unconscious, by the trawling nets you’ve cast into the ocean in all directions? I like the idea of you being proactive, but do you really want the kind of limp fish you’d catch that lame way? Think about what or who you’re trying to draw into your life. If they’re stupid or desperate enough to fall for the kinds of weak efforts you’ve recently put forth, they’re not going to impress you in the long run. The “prey” you seek is exceptional. Your methods ought to be, too.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpios don’t take much downtime. Certainly you don’t get to hibernate the way any beast sharing your proclivities probably would. But you usually poop out around now, when opportunities to indulge your whims and wiles are more available than at any other time of year. Something about the winter chill drags you down. In this case, your internal rhythms are ever so slightly out of whack. Dig deep and find a second (or third, or fourth) wind and run with what’s happening. Watch carefully; the frenzy of potential fun and intensity will ebb in a few weeks. Postpone your coma nap until then.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When you’re left to do your own thing, you’re kind of sad. It’s too bad people listened so well to what you were saying. Now you’ve got what you said you wanted: freedom to pursue your goals without interference. What are you waiting for? No one’s standing in your way. Most of the people you know are as far away as they can get. What? Maybe that’s not exactly what you wanted? Maybe it’s no fun getting where you’re going if there’s no one to accompany you, or at least watch? If you feel you must push people away this week, be careful about how hard you shove. They may go further than you wish, and retrieving them from there’ll be a bitch.

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your eyes are tired. Your vision is swimming. Is it really the best time to be reading your horoscope? What can you possibly get out of it—or anything—in this state? Go get some rest, then think about what needs to be done. Contemplating it now will just exhaust you needlessly, especially because it’ll cost you much needed, spiritually-replenishing sleep. Turn off your phone, television, and computer, and go lie down. I’m not suggesting you sleep this week away, by any means. You really do have too much to do to get away with that. But maybe you can spare an afternoon?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarians are actually quite judgmental. Like your opposing sign, Leo, you never lack for an opinion on anything. Where you differ is in your flexibility. Not that those proud Lions can’t change their minds; it’s just that they can’t do so with the grace and ease that characterizes your entire attitude. You’re always ready to give someone a second chance, and often a third or fourth one, too. That someone will need it, this week, when it would be in your best interest to rethink your first impressions, as well as your second third, and fourth. If you can get over yourself long enough to figure out who they actually are, you’ll be glad you did.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Everything unraveled for me yesterday. Three long-standing plans I supposed were solid and nearly set in stone revealed themselves to be, one right after the other, completely untenable. Suddenly I had to rethink a whole host of things I’d put behind me as taken care of. Now I know what a Pisces’ daily life feels like, when everything is perpetually up in the air. How overwhelming! Luckily, I’m not the only one trying on someone else’s role this week—you can finally take a break from so much uncertainty as one sure thing after another unfolds in front of you. Don’t just enjoy all this stability and certitude, though. Run with it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

When you’re asked to a BYOB party, every good Ram knows you bring as much as you want to drink, plus a bit extra. It’s just good form. If even those as supposedly selfish and insensitive as your tribe is reputed to be (I, for one, don’t believe it for a second) can keep basic courtesies in mind, it should be a snap for everyone else. Unfortunately, it’s not. Some are unaccustomed to really pulling their own weight, whether it comes to work or play. Your first instinct might be to pick up the slack, but please don’t. There’s a lesson to be learned here, and it’s not your call to keep them from it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You Bulls are familiar with the idea, “if you can’t fix it, get used to it.” When something you don’t like crosses your path, you now habitually do a quick triage: Can I change it? Avoid it? Or must I get used to it? This is a pretty healthy habit, actually, as it’s this kind of realism and self-appraisal that helps you be so efficient and effective. But there are those in your life who have perhaps never looked at anything in such stark, unyielding terms, let alone themselves. They dither and wring their hands and worry at problems because they can’t accept their harsh reality, or don’t know how. Your job this week is to help them out. This might require a bit of tough love, or saying shit they just don’t want to hear, which won’t make you popular. Nevertheless, you’re the right person for the job.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The reason you have such a wishy-washy reputation is because you’re vocal. In reality, Pisceans, for example, are far more indecisive than you. But they have this tricky way of never verbally committing to an opinion or a course of action. I know some who can tell you what they think about something for ten minutes without revealing a thing. They’re very good at it. You have no problem formulating and expressing your opinion—it just mutates often. And because you’re vocal, people know about your frequent changes of heart. So my tip for you this week is: shut up. Wait until you’re sure before you speak up—and even then, wait until you’re asked.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sometimes your life is about doing the least objectionable thing on your to-do list. Instead of assessing your agenda in terms of your actual priorities, you’re all about avoidance, procrastination, and simply not facing up to the really hard or challenging shit you don’t want to do. Hey, I’m not condemning you; I’m a big-time lazy-ass procrastinator, too. But sometimes you’ve just got to grit your teeth and make it all happen, whether it fits your mood or not. This, my dear, is one of those weeks. Reorganize your head and look at the tasks ahead of you in terms of what’s most important, not least unpleasant.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I was recently on a plane full of whiners. Everyone around me seemed to have something to complain about. What a drag: Babies crying uncontrollably, for hours, while nearby adults did the grown-up counterpart, for nearly as long. Some people complain habitually. They’ve forgotten how to simply be content. In the winter they complain it’s too cold. In the summer, naturally, it’s too hot, and there’s something not quite right about—well, everything. I hope that’s not you, Leo. Sometimes your sense of entitlement can get out of hand. Make sure that’s not so this week. Your life is actually pretty great. Please notice.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be square. You’ve done a good job, especially lately, of overcoming your natural prudishness and tendency to blindly follow rules. That’s good news for this week, because so many delicious opportunities lie just outside the box. The thing to keep in mind, Virgo, is that you really ought to be breaking rules—because you’re damn good at it. No one suspects you in the slightest, so you can get away with anything. I don’t expect you to go hog-wild here, Virgo. Not you. But it’d be a shame to not at least get away with something, wouldn’t it?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some of my crazier friends have gotten so drunk or high that they’ve become lost in familiar environments. They were so out of their minds that they noticed completely different things than they did when they were sober. Because they were surrounded by landmarks and details that they’d honestly never seen before, they couldn’t figure out where they were. I don’t particularly recommend getting that messed up, but if you could so drastically and dramatically change the lenses and filters through which you view the world, that would not be a bad thing at all.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Reality is subject to our thoughts. Quantum physicists are discovering that when you get right down to it reality is made up of nothing. The only reason it seems so solid to us is because we view it that way. The truth is that we have tremendous influence over it simply with the power of our intentions and perceptions. Scorpios should be amazingly good at this, except for the fact that you’re constantly second-guessing yourselves. Give the universe a mixed message and what do you get back? A mess. If you could, though, just once, truly make up your mind about what you really wanted…well, anything could happen.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This is a week of unsolvable problems. These are the kinds of dilemmas whose solutions represent more trouble than they’re worth. I’m talking about when your neighbors start using power tools at inconvenient hours. There’s nothing you can really do about it, and trying will only earn you their animosity, and, possibly, more hassle and annoyance. Your primary option this week is to just grin and bear it, wait it out, and resist trying to do anything about it, because you can’t. If that’s too much for you to accept, consider this: There are, of course, always answers to your problems. They just might not be answers you like.

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It’s not a calm world, and neither are the hairstyles. Imagine Cher, Mick Jagger, the late David Bowie and the era of rock ‘n roll, disco and rebellious attitudes where individuality was freely expressed.

Using these old basic hairstyles and tweaking them a little with some slicing and razoring is 2017 signature styles. Add intense colors; whether it is a full head, partial, highlights or just at the nape, go wild and you’ll get the picture the galaxy is trying to paint.

For example:

Aries wants to be teased.

Taurus is all talk. She says she’ll change her do, but that is only in her dreams.

Gemini is two-sided; a wavy layered bob with Balayage techniques around the face.

Cancer: Pale pink and smoky amethyst highlights.

Leo: Long and straight with a full bang, just like Cher, only blonde.

Virgo: Winter white blonde, sides slicked back, top puffy.

Libra: Long center bang parted in the middle and curled away from the face, very balanced.

Scorpio: Very short sides and back with a teased high top. Mahogany.

Sagittarius: Vibrant red-blonde and brown. Longish with a peek-a-boo side wave.

Capricorn: A layered bob, short back, long, long sides, then mess it up. Actually have your stylist tease it, and then lighten just the frizz.

Aquarius: Mid-length, cut oval around the face and sides, the color is sterling silver.

Pisces: Punk short and edgy with streaks of violet, mint green and peach.

Fashion wise, Hilary’s prediction: fuchsia to purple will be the hottest colors. She’s always right!

Talk to you in February in the Age of Aquarius.

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Carolyn Salvaggio

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/web1_star5.jpgCarolyn Salvaggio Amanda Hrycyna| Weekender

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

For days, you’ve turned this idea over and over in your mind; now it’s roasted all the way through, like a pig on a spit, and still you’re no closer to a decision or conclusion. Has it ever occurred to you that your brain just doesn’t have an answer to this one? Or that it’s simply incapable of answering it? Your mind is a useful tool, but it’s ill-equipped to address primal stuff like sex, death, and love. When it comes to all that deep animal soul stuff, you’ve got to let yourself be guided by heart, gut, and loins, in whatever combination that works. Stop thinking. It’s getting you exactly nowhere.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Imagine this scenario: You’re alone on a hike deep in the woods, and you take a tumble, seriously gashing your leg. You apply pressure to the wound, but it’s not enough to staunch the bleeding. What do you do? You apply a tourniquet, thereby limiting the flow of blood to the limb until you can get suitably patched up. Other wounds—emotional, metaphorical, spiritual—require the same treatment. You’re losing copious amounts of what keeps you going. You’ve got to limit the resources flowing towards the wound—be it attitude, relationship, or faith. Either find a way to do that, or amputate.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Indulge yourself. Partake especially in all the things you enjoy that are bad for you. You’re less likely than usual to suffer negative consequences from their consumption. That doesn’t mean you’re immune to hangovers, guilt, backlash, drama, or embarrassment this week, just a lot more resistant to them. You may, of course, choose to avoid this kind of trouble altogether, but I hope you don’t; that’d be dead boring. If you’re ever going to practice hedonistic immoderation, now is a better time than most. Get to it, and don’t come back until you’re completely satisfied.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I look back on the handful of Aries men I’ve dated with tremendous fondness; despite their imperfections, they were unfailingly exciting and romantic. I’m definitely part of the Ram fan club—that group of people who really enjoy what you have to offer. You’d forgotten we were out there, hadn’t you? I’m not surprised—admirers have been thin on the ground, lately, or eclipsed by your many critics. You haven’t lost your touch, though, as you’d begun to believe; you’ve simply lost touch with the crowd who gets and appreciates you. Find us again, won’t you? We miss you, desperately.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I love books. I can be half-starved, counting change to buy dinner, but if I can get a book I want for the same price, I’ll go without food. I’m not one of those people who just lets books sit on a shelf for years without reading them, either. Those books get tossed into bags, carried everywhere, and read on trains, toilets, queues, and barstools, and end up dog-eared and loved. What do you love more than food? What will you sacrifice to have it in your life? Please tell me there’s something you’re that passionate about. If there isn’t, spend this week figuring out just why that is.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re fantastic in many ways—just possibly not in exactly the ways you wish you were. Examine that. Are you not trying hard enough, or not giving it enough time and energy? Could it be that this simply isn’t your thing? I won’t counsel you to ever give up on your dreams. But may I suggest that you take a break from this one, which may not come to fruition for a long time (if ever)? Give yourself a chance to shine right now. Do what you’re good at for a little while. Then go back to your aspirations, if you still want to.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your most exciting and frustrating chapters have come from sort of inflicting your intensity on people who either weren’t ready for it or weren’t sure they were into it. You love challenging people to access new heights and depths within themselves. But how often are you yourself challenged in this way? Certainly not very, especially not from other Cancers, since you recognize and are immune to all their familiar tricks and strategies. This week, however, you have a chance to dunk yourself into water that’s truly over your head. We all know how often you’ve shoved others into exactly this kind of situation. No one’s going to push you, though. The question is: do you have the chutzpah to jump?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leos love to lounge. Although you’re capable of summoning forth tremendous energy (enough to outshine virtually anyone else), unless you’re properly motivated you’re world-class slackers. What then is your motivation? It could be anything—a desire to create beauty, to have fun, to simply relieve your boredom—because eventually even your devoted friends will tire of entertaining you. This week, you’ve got to face facts: even though you’ve surrounded yourself with hilarious pranksters, movers, and shakers, there comes a time when it’s up to you, and only you, to make shit happen. This, darling, is that time.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’ve been working incredibly hard for quite some time now, but I have to ask: is it really getting you somewhere? Because sometimes Virgos can get so caught up in the activity itself that they don’t necessarily examine the results. It could turn out that you’ve been swimming furiously around and around inside a fishbowl. You’re exhausted when you finally discover you haven’t actually gone anywhere. Stop. Take a breath. Float. See where you actually are, in more detail than the usual blur you surround yourself with. Is it where you were headed? No? Better or worse than what you expected? Once you’ve assessed your progress, then (and only then) can you get yourself really (back) on track.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your stocks are about to skyrocket. What’s with the sudden surge in popularity? A whole host of people (who’d either forgotten or never realized) have suddenly figured out just what hot shit you are. Suddenly, legions of overnight fans are intent on drawing you and your indispensable fellows into their lives. I know you love to feel needed, but be careful; no one can meet this much need. Don’t be overwhelmed by all those clamoring for your time and attention. Stay cool and be prudent about how far you’ll go, and for whom. This is an amazing opportunity, but if you can’t keep your head, you’ll lose it instead.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You rarely had trouble taking your medicine (actual or figurative) as a child. You pragmatically perceived the necessity and/or inevitability of what had to happen and you just got it over with. Mostly, that willingness to swallow pride and misery has stayed with you into adulthood. Thus it’s hard for you identify with those who flee their sorrows and hassles, and long for sugar to help the medicine go down. Help them anyway, won’t you? Asking them to stretch and channel your innate fortitude won’t be enough, however. Unless you stretch, too—developing compassion and losing judgment of their differences—any lesson you try to offer simply won’t stick.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re an excellent protector—when you’re around. In fact, many of the people drawn to you are attracted because of the kind of safety you represent. The irony is that you’re frequently so busy having your own adventures that they’re left to fend for themselves more often than not. Fair enough—it’s not your job to shield those you love from all of life’s stresses and challenges. But recognize that you’ve been doing a lot more helping yourself and a lot less for those who need your help lately. This is a good week to tip the balance back. You’re doing okay, so giving them some sweetness and the warm comfort of your arms wouldn’t cost you much. It sure would, however, mean a lot to them.

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Many people believe they’d love a Capricorn partner—until they actually get one. At that point they’re often disappointed when you don’t meet their unrealistic expectations. You’re a great package, but you’re not for everyone. What you can offer: a reasonably high degree of security, sex drive, and loyalty, among other things. Where you often fall short: time and attention—those who need tons may feel deprived. This week, cancel your personal PR. Don’t spin this stuff. You are what you are, and you need someone who appreciates that, since you’re not going to fundamentally change. Make sure whoever’s interested gets the entire, honest picture right now, or they’ll be hellish drama later.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re as incorruptible as they come. Aquarians are less likely to be thrown off-course by power, wealth, or fame. Having acquired one or more of these, most of you are happy to carry on mostly as before: You hang with the same people, do mostly the same things, and so on. That isn’t to say you’re completely immune to the personality-skewing effects of these influences, just more resistant than most. What does screw you up? Love, of course. You’ll do shit you’d normally never consider just to understand, pursue, or keep love in your life. This week, check that behavior. If a million bucks can’t buy your soul, why should another person be able to (often without even trying)?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

That person who keeps calling your number and not leaving messages…that was me. Well, maybe not me, but it certainly wasn’t the person you were hoping it was. Unfortunately, if you ever get to the bottom of the tantalizing mystery you’re currently facing, you’ll probably be quite disappointed with the anticlimactic results. So, what to do? Decide I’m wrong and carry on with your wishful delusion? Let go of your fantasy altogether? Nah, those options both suck. I suggest just picking up the phone and calling the person you wish would call you. In other words, forget the dissatisfying reality and make your fantasy real.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Pollsters and call-center surveyors would be lost without you guys. You always have an opinion about everything, so most of you are thrilled, when asked, to step up to the plate and deliver it. What surprises you, deep down, is when people are shocked, offended, or outraged by what you have to say, as if they expected you, all along, to agree with them. Don’t be put off by negative reactions to your ideas this week, Aries. Listen to them and consider them, of course—but don’t let them keep you from speaking your piece. What you’ve got to say matters—not because of its content, but because you’re willing to say it, and what that says about you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Would you feel validated, betrayed, or simply scornful if I suggested that Taureans were astrologically predisposed towards weight gain? Don’t get me wrong—I’ve met my share of skinny Taureans. But generally, many of you are blessed with more solid builds. Naturally, genetics matters more than astrology in this case, but a Taurean’s normal predisposition towards luxury, hedonism, and sensuality isn’t likely to help your modeling career. I’m not saying give up. We should all keep trying to be the people we hope to be, regardless of obstacles. I’m just suggesting: don’t be so hard on yourself if you fall slightly short.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

If I consume caffeine after 8pm, I’m up ‘til dawn the next morning. I’ve learned this the hard way, so now I’m judicious and prudent when it comes to drinking coffee, tea, or cola. You’ve a similar sensitivity, albeit to something slightly more esoteric—bad news, relationship drama, loneliness, horror flicks, or whatever. You’re not, however, very practical about controlling your exposure to it. That’s got to change—for your own wellbeing, as well as the happiness of all those close to you. You can’t control how full of shit the world is, but you can regulate how much of that harshness you experience, and when. Take charge of your negativity-consumption. You’ll suffer a lot less, and so will we.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

When it comes time to take a leap of faith, it doesn’t make a bit of difference whether you do it smiling, with wide-open eyes, or screw them shut and scream the whole way down. It’s great if you can work yourself up to a degree of trust and acceptance before you jump, and certainly more fun than taking the plunge while terrified and full of dread. But your attitude is of secondary importance this week. Your memory of the terror will fade, while the pride remains. What matters at the moment is that you actually go for it, because if you don’t do it now, you probably never will—and that, my dear, is something you will certainly always remember, and regret.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Everyone’s heard dozens of bizarre conspiracy theories involving yeti, crop circles, illuminati, psychedelic mushroom spores from outer space, and so on, but most of us don’t take that shit too seriously, viewing it mostly as intriguing and entertaining, but not life-changing. You, too, are definitely guilty of cultivating your own strange pet theories—about your boss, coworkers, lover, neighbors, etc. But I wouldn’t share them this week (at least not with anyone even remotely involved.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgos have a reputation as the most practical signs in the zodiac, but it’s just not true. Yeah, sure, you’re efficient, pragmatic, and have more energy than any two other people. But you’re also prone to eccentricities that are more esoteric than truly concrete. Pursuing your more spiritual or idealistic concerns is nothing to scoff at; I’m certainly not going to condemn your veganism, herbal medicine, aggressive yoga routine, or penchant to read astrology columns. But it doesn’t necessarily promote your rep as the no-nonsense workhorse some people think you are. All work and no weirdness is dull. This week, play up what’s strange about you, not what makes you “normal.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This week is all about playing the wait-and-see-game. You might wake up to inclement weather, but assuming the day is shot and canceling all your fantastic plans would be a mistake. If you’re flexible and play it by ear, you’ll discover that the shit weather will probably clear up in a few hours, thus enabling you to continue with a brilliant day—provided you haven’t already screwed it up by calling it off. Chances are that serenely awaiting a change in circumstance will work out better than the original arrangements would have. In other words, be patient. Don’t jump the gun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your behavior, at certain points in your life, could be described as saintly. Conversely, you’ve also had your share of equally slutty or otherwise devilish moments. Personally, I think your embrace of these extremes is one of the most interesting things about you, but not everyone gets it. Some of those you encounter this week are likely to misunderstand or despise some of your past behavior (you may be surprised at how many privately object to the saintly stuff). However, don’t apologize or otherwise feel pressured to justify yourself. I love your usual take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Don’t change that now. Those asses don’t get it, they’re not worth it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Bide your time and don’t freak. This week you’re likely to encounter some tremendous obstacle, suffer someone’s disapproval, or slam into a seemingly immovable wall. Keepping your cool and maintaining absolute faith that it will all work out (despite the lack of supporting evidence) is your best move. Losing your shit would mean losing your one shot at detonating the obstacle, securing approval, or shattering the wall. A powerful, unexpected ally (someone you could never solicit, properly anticipate, or control) is likely to step in to help you out, but s/he’ll take some time getting around to it, and won’t bother if you’re too busy freaking out to accept the help.

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The sun is shining, birds are singing, people are dancing in the streets. Or are they? You wouldn’t know either way this week, because your focus has turned dramatically inward. Your uncharacteristic navel-gazing is bound to raise a few eyebrows and even elicit some (possibly melodramatic) concern, but don’t let anyone shake you out of your supposed funk; it’s a necessary part of your process at the moment. You’ve got a lot to think about (or more accurately, feel about, since you already do way too much thinking). Let it happen; what’s transpiring outside of you can wait.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’ve probably already noticed how your social life seems sort of tidal. Weeks of loneliness and isolation are frequently ended by a blizzard of phone calls and emails; your social calendar goes from bleak and empty to overflowingly overbooked in a flash. I can’t explain this phenomenon any better than you can. What, did these people forget you existed for a while? And why did they all remember at the same time? Whatever the reason—coincidence or cosmic timing—don’t question it too much (except for fun). When high tide soaks you up to your chin this week, just ride it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

A surprising amount of what you blame on others (consciously or unconsciously) is actually your fault. You fulfill your own (often negative) expectations, either by subtly acting to make sure things play out the way you “want” them to, or by simply perceiving your situation so that it looks like what you anticipated. How do you overcome these habits of thought? First, you have to accurately identify them. This is the perfect week for that task. Convene your think tank—the ones who know you best. Have them help you identify the top five habits of mind that are keeping you from success, happiness, or love. (By the way, be heartened, not offended, if they can rattle them off in the first two minutes; it means they love you.) Phase two? We’ll get to that next week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The year is 2030 and you’re about to have a child. Before you is a virtual menu of possibilities. How many variables will you choose to control? Will you ensure that your child is more likely to be healthy? How about determining its gender? What about hair, eye, and skin color? Penis size? Temperament? Talent? You may find that once you get started, it’s difficult to stop. Where, after all, do you draw the line? This week’s choices, while perhaps not quite so loaded with far-reaching consequences, are similarly tempting and morally confusing. It may turn out that the fuzzy boundaries are too confusing—so be prepared to make an all-or-nothing decision. That might be your only real choice.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

In terms of your day-to-day experience at the moment, don’t underestimate the effects of your environment. It’s more powerful than you think. For example, that warmer winter weather I got last week made me unquestionably happier, more productive, and spontaneous. Your focus on making big changes in your life is well-intentioned but misguided, at the moment. Concentrate on all the little things you can do to make your life—especially regarding your surroundings—better. I believe you’ll find that when you’ve improved all the subtle peripheral stuff in your life, all the big stuff will fall much more easily into place.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

For those clueless Hallmark devotees who insist on celebrating that lamest of holidays, Valentine’s, you’re best off doing it a month early this year. Wait until that very arbitrary day, the 14th, and things are bound to feel a bit anticlimactic, despite all the cheesy decorations and other couples also going through the motions. If you really want to feel it, go with celebrating this coming weekend. If it’s as good as it ought to be, you can always stage an encore performance (of at least the sex) on Tuesday.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You suck with money. I’ve never met a Leo who could stick to a tight budget for any length of time. Your motto is basically: spend it when you have it, and go without when you don’t. Somehow, you’ve managed to make this zany financial plan work so far—but not without pissing a few people off. Don’t worry—there’s no chance of cleaning up those messes this week, so I’m not even going to advise you to try. All I’m urging, when you succumb to the powerful temptations of the moment, is to avoid aggravating anyone else. Don’t generate more mess. You can’t afford it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re at the opposite end of the spectrum from those dreamy Pisceans who so attract and frustrate you. But sometimes, oddly, you sound almost alike. They make outrageously accurate predictions based on their own intuition and lucky guesses. You speak out from a place of deep realism and practicality. That your forecasts match up so often is something of a miracle—and evidence that there are many paths and methods to the same destinations. Try to remember—and respect—that this week, because your best allies are those whose beliefs, approaches, and work ethics are in absolute contrast with yours, but whose eyes are on the same prize.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

TV series like Battlestar Galactica, Westworld and Game of Thrones drew in viewers who normally have no interest in sci-fi/fantasy. People are attracted to quality. In fact, if the quality is high enough, it almost doesn’t matter what the actual content is. Don’t spend so much time trying to figure out “the best” thing to put out there. Just do it really, really well. Your focus on figuring out just the right packaging for whatever you’re trying to market—be it an idea, a product, or yourself—is mostly a waste of time. Focus on what’s inside. Nail that, and you could wrap it in brown paper and it’d still fly off the shelves.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Some people just have an “it” factor. Others find them compelling for reasons they can’t articulate. Scorpios, statistically, are much more likely than other signs to possess this elusive quality. However, it’s not some multi-purpose silver bullet that just always works. It makes people more likely to buy what you’re selling, true—but only if what you’re putting out there isn’t total crap. Don’t lean too hard on your charisma this week. If there are glaring flaws in what you’re about, your personal shine won’t be bright enough to obscure them, so don’t embarrass yourself by trying. Fix them, instead.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sagittarians are often Jacks and Jills of all trades. That is, you’re good at many things, but you’re not necessarily superlative at anything (at least, not until later in life). Consequently, many young Archers compensate by adopting gimmicks to attract attention. It’s hard, when you’re quietly competent all across the board, to achieve the flash factor that garners the kind of notice you crave, so of course I understand the temptation to adopt some kind of attention-grabbing device. But it’s truly unnecessary; there’s one thing that all Sags are brilliant at, and which never fails to rivet: radical honesty. Tell the truth, all the time. People will hang on your every word.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Patience is, indeed, one of your virtues, but even you have limits. Sometimes things just take too damn long. There’s nothing you or I can do about that—we’re not in control of these situations. Things take as long as they take—and trying to rush them will just screw them up. It’s best that you accept that. But that’s no reason you can’t get what you want right now. You just need to pursue a different path. Call it a hobby or extracurricular activity. I call it the fast track to your dream. Try it. If you pursue it with the same zeal and, hopefully, a little more joy than your day job, you probably won’t need that day job a whole lot longer.

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Where are the kids? You’re sorely in need of some playful, innocent fun, so hanging with your nieces and nephews or any other of the sweet little rugrats in your life would be a fantastic way to spend your week. It would help you remember to smile a lot more, to practice more patience and kindness, and to simply relax and be silly—these are things you’ve sort of forgotten, of late. Even just hanging out by a playground (as creepy as that sounds, it doesn’t have to be evil-intentioned) could help you remember what you need to remember.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Supposedly, since you’re the last sign in the zodiac wheel, you’ve gone through all the other signs on your way to where you are. You’ve been there and done that. But I’m here to remind you, oh wise one: the thing’s a wheel. That means you’re getting ready to jump back into the first sign in the zodiac, Aries, and do the whole thing over. Many Pisceans, in fact, become much more Ram-like in the course of their lives (consequently having a much easier time making decisions!). This week, in preparation for your next chapter, act as much like an Aries as possible: when considering options, always choose the rashest, loudest, boldest, and most outrageous one. You’ll probably wonder why you didn’t start doing that before.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You don’t always understand things or people who derive their power from being rooted, immovable, and solid. Your strength comes from your movement, energy, and drive. But as versatile as you are, there come moments when you really need someone with roots sunk deep, who’s strong because they never change and are reliable and hyper-responsible. When some kind of destructive wave of change sweeps through, your strength might keep you from drowning, but not from being swept away. This, my lovable Ram, is one of those dangerous times. Find the biggest tree (in human form) you can, wrap your arms around it, and hang on with all your might.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It’s not like the idea you’re trying to push is all that radical. In fact, you know in your gut that its time has come. It’s just the natural next step in a progression that’s been happening for years. Nevertheless, you’re bound to encounter some deep resistance from some staunch advocates of stability who have dug in their heels and refuse to accept inevitable change. The danger is that you might identify with them—having so often advocated tradition, permanence, or just solid core values—so much that you might ease up on them. Don’t. This change will come regardless—but it’ll work out a lot better with you spearheading it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Some great qualities skip generations. It’s part of the pendulum swing of rebelling against your parents. That means that in some ways you might have more in common with your grandparents (or at least how they were when they were your age) than your parents. This is why I suggest looking to them for guidance and/or inspiration this week, when you’re uncertain about your next step. Find out what they were like when they were younger, before they were grandparents (or even parents)—by asking them (if they’re still alive), or by plumbing photos and letters (if they’re not). Your answers and motivation lie there.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The days I can force myself to get up and write first thing—before breakfast, even—are the days I get the most done. I won’t say it’s easy, though, to drag myself out of bed and compel myself to immediately be creative and productive. My natural instinct is to loaf around, eat, and prepare for my day. Pursuing that course, however, sometimes means that it can be an hour or more before I get anything done at all. Use next week’s astrological influences to add a new trick into your repertoire: early morning productivity. Give yourself a block of time—just fifteen minutes, even—before anything else, in which to do something creative, or just get something done. You’ll be psyched at how easy it is to be brilliant and productive the rest of the day, after that.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You need more life in your life, more living things around you right now—more companions, more plants, more animals—all with their own agendas and lives that overlap with yours. It’ll help keep you from getting trapped in boring, self-involved, self-destructive patterns, which is all too great a danger at the moment. Most of your worst problems are self-inflicted, and they happen most often when you’re plate is less than full, leaving too much free time to subconsciously come up with ways to sabotage yourself. Go buy an aquarium, or some houseplants, or host dinner parties all week, or find some other way to make your plate feel full.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I miss having Virgos in my life. I’ve pretty much always had one or more close by, until my most recent chapter, which has been marked by a deplorable dearth of vivacious Virgos. So what? Sucks for me, but what does it matter? Well, I’m not the only one missing your unique and inspiring vibe. People everywhere are on the hunt for a valuable Virgo. Whether or not you have room in your life for a new friend or chosen family member is up to you. But if you decide that could be kind of nice, they’re out there, looking. Just ask around.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This week could be like being able to go on a shopping spree with someone else’s money. That’s a fantasy every Libra can appreciate it, isn’t it? But beware—nothing’s really for free, and the kinds of sacrifices or concessions you’d be forced to make for this dubious privilege might not be worth the glee of so much frivolous spending. The temptation is terrible, I know, and you’re not generally one to look a gift horse in the mouth—but make an exception this time, please. There are strings and more strings attached. Unless you’ve got some kind of bondage fetish, say, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

What started out as a carefree roll in the hay has suddenly become so much more—and not in a good way. It’s as if the hay were at the top of a steep, rocky hill, and your initially gentle tumble has become a painful, unstoppable plunge down the slope. This week, though, you may have the chance to catch yourself on a ledge or protruding branch. This is your chance to extricate yourself without doing much further injury to either of you. Unfortunately, the temptation to continue this disastrous nose-dive is likely to be perversely greater than ever. Resist, though, Scorpio. For everyone’s sake, find a way to resist.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When I need to motivate myself to really clean and reorganize my apartment, I invite people over. Left to my own devices, I get a bit done, then my laziness takes over and I leave the job unfinished. But if I know people are coming by, that’s all the incentive I need to really get the whole place into shape. Follow my lead. You’re in need of a little impetus that you’re unable to provide for yourself. This is not the time to let procrastination or your infamous laidback attitude mess you up. Use whatever tricks you’ve got up your sleeve to get your own ass in gear.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Perhaps you’re too preoccupied with other things right now, because all the usual methods of getting you excited and involved with the present moment are frustratingly falling a bit short. Those around you are also at a loss as to how to get your attention. What do we need to do to get you to snap out of it, Cap? This is not only frustrating, it’s ridiculous. Really, what would it take for you to be fully present in the here and now? A mountain of gold? True love? An alien invasion? Whatever it is, you might as well ask for it—most of us are so fed up with your distraction that we just might get it for you.

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I’ve met many a brilliant Aquarian—some virtual geniuses, even. But most of them are also notoriously impractical. They don’t value doing things the easy way. This isn’t such a bad thing, generally. But when you turn aside from the simplest route to your destination, even when it’s mapped out before you, simply out of principle, you’ve got a problem. Imagine that in this case (and in at least a few others), the easiest way to get where you’re going might actually also be the best way. I know it goes against all your (backwards) instincts, but please—at least consider it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Beware of cliques, because they’re going to rule this week, at least from your perspective. Since you’ve never especially been the clique-y sort, you’re apt to feel quite cut off and isolated from these obnoxious little groupings whose main purpose appears to be to fuel your sense of isolation and alienation. What are we going to do with you, dear? I know you’re not much of a joiner, but that doesn’t mean you need to spend the next little bit totally alone? Why not invite people to gather around you? Start your own damn clique. People want to be around you. This week, they just need an excuse.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This is a dangerous thing to tell an Aries, but it’s nevertheless true: It’s not you, it’s them. Yep, it’s just not your problem, darling. There’s nothing wrong with how you are, much as some people don’t like or understand it. Instead of feeling bad about that, you’ve just got to get with some folks who get it and dig it. I’m one, and there are plenty more Ram fans out there. Stop forcing yourself on those who aren’t feeling it, and locate the ones who are not only ready to feel it, they’re desperate to.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re renowned for your stick-to-it-iveness, but don’t confuse determination and persistence with just plain stubbornness. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you may be right in assuming it’s because you haven’t put enough blood, sweat, and tears into it yet. But please consider the possibility that it’s simply not the right path for you, and will never really work, no matter how long and hard you labor at it. Don’t be afraid to change your course, especially if a seemingly better route (or slightly different destination) presents itself. In that case, sticking to your own original plan, even though it’s not working at all, would be sheer lunacy.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Sorry, I keep getting distracted every time I sit down to write your horoscope. It’s almost as if the universe is conspiring to keep me from doing it. Sound familiar? You often let your situation get the best of you, and are kept from being in top form because you’re frazzled, overtired, or easily diverted. The difference is, I know I’m in this predicament because of my mind, not because reality is conniving to impair my productivity. Are you really faced with more distractions than the average person, or simply more susceptible to being sidetracked by them? All I know is this: until you decide that your lack of focus is about you, and not about your circumstances, nothing about the situation will improve.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Some studies show that if you eat less you’ll live longer. Those that consume less than the recommended daily allowance are more likely to have longer, healthier lives. Why, then, does it feel good to overeat? What kind of shitty evolutionary trait is that? Who knows why our bodies can’t catch up with our minds? What I do know is that even though listening to your gut and body are generally good ideas, they can, occasionally, lead you astray. This week, let logic, reason, and hardcore evidence sway you, even if they go against your gut instinct, or belly’s rumbling desires.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Even enlightened Leos are more susceptible to flattery than most other signs. Big deal. What are you supposed to do? Not feel good when someone gives you a sincere compliment? You should enjoy it when you receive praise. You have a problem, though, when you start to feel bad when you don’t get the admiration or tribute you think you deserve. That’s when it’s time for a thicker skin, so you can stop caring quite so much about what others think of you. Is what you’re doing important to you, for its own sake? Whatever the answer, it should be all you need. If it’s not, yet, make it so.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Right now, you’re probably (secretly) semi-frantically searching for a new project to fill a recently vacated space in your agenda. However, may I encourage you to hold off, at least, on jumping into any new commitments? There’s simply nothing, at the moment, that’s especially worth your while. Keep yourself as free and available as possible as long as possible, because the right project (or person) lies just over the horizon out of sight. It’d be a shame to miss out on that chance because you jumped the gun on something or someone who’s simply not worthy of what you have to offer.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Imagine for a moment being lost and alone on a tropical island. There are no conflicts to mediate, no lovers to please, no expectations to live up to, no other people to react to in any way. How would you act? Would you even know what to do? It seems lately that everything you do is a reaction to someone else in some way. What about who you are really comes from you? This week, check yourself. Notice how much of what you’re doing is because you really and truly, deep down, want to do it, and how much is because someone else wants you to (or you think they do). It’s all right to bend to other people’s desires sometimes, but all the time (or even most of the time)? That’s just not right.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Of all the signs in the zodiac I am perhaps most intrigued and fascinated with you Scorpios. You have the potential to develop into some of the most powerful and intensely alive people around—but it takes time. You usually need many years to ripen into your full power; before that you’re usually charmingly idealistic or sweetly inexperienced. At those times, people can sometimes treat you with something less than the respect (and awe) you know you deserve. Please don’t blame them, though. You know what’s inside you, waiting to come out. They don’t, at least not yet. This week, seek out the company of those who are able to see and appreciate your potential, even if it hasn’t fully manifested yet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Darling, you can’t polish a turd. Your attempts to dress up some less-than-impressive chapter of your history are embarrassing, and simply not worthy of you. Everyone has screwed up at some point. There’s no need to try to make it look like anything but a mistake you made. Your honesty is one of the main qualities people will admire (and be attracted to) in you, not your supposedly unblemished past. Own the shit you’ve done, both good and bad. The people you want in your life are those who can admire and appreciate a whole person—and that means someone who’s made (and learned from) a lot of mistakes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I look for people who surprise me. I’m thrilled when someone does something I never would have guessed them capable of, or displays some part of themselves that I find shocking. Capricorns, as it turns out, are quite often capable of these kinds of surprises—you just don’t often let us experience them. You have many facets, but your life is so compartmentalized that the people in it generally don’t see more than one (or occasionally, two). Mix it up a little. You might be right in assuming that no one in your life is prepared to enjoy all sides of you, but most of us are ready to experience a few more.

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve heard the adage, “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer,” right? Bullshit—at least this week. You need to get as far away from those you dislike or disagree with, in favor of having some truly sweet moments with those you love, moments they could and would spoil if given the chance. That wise saw intends to protect you by giving you insight into your enemies’ plots against you, but these guys aren’t clever enough to really screw you over, even if they catch you totally by surprise. So ditch them. Go hang, instead, with the people who are really worthy of your time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Just keep plugging away at whatever it is you’re working on. Even though it may seem as if you have an interminably long road ahead of you, you’re actually much, much closer to the finish line than you think. The only problem is you won’t know how close you are until you actually cross the thing. So all you can really do for now is to keep inching forward and not give up. It’s totally an act of faith, and especially of self-belief. But luckily you, dreamy Pisces, because of your many acts of well-meaning self-delusion, are eminently suited for it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Some trees and plants require the destructive force of a fire to explode into life. Their seeds wait patiently, sometimes for decades, for the incredible heat of a massive blaze that signals that their window of opportunity has finally come. Now that the trees that have dominated their territory have been killed or stripped down they have an opening to grab some sunlight and space for themselves. You, too, are waiting for just such a sign. To germinate prematurely would mean certain doom, as you’d just starve for lack of nourishment in the shadows of those who’ve had years and years to establish themselves. What am I hinting at? Patience. That’s what’s required now. Wait for your moment, Aries. It’s coming, but not here yet.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re being forged. You shouldn’t regard your troubles purely as curses. Yeah, they suck, but they have a silver lining too: they make you, and your relationships, stronger. Those that suffer together also bond; they form connections of much greater intimacy and resilience than those who’ve only shared pleasant times in each other’s company. Remember that this week, if it’s not all sunshine and roses. This shit won’t break you, or your relationships. It’s just going to make them that much more powerful and enduring. In that way, it’s not so much a curse as, ultimately, a blessing.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your world is trembling this week, Gemini. All you crave is feeling something solid beneath your feet, but tremors are shaking your foundations at the moment. This could be quite alarming, I realize, but please try to stay calm. The earthquakes rocking your landscape are actually quite gentle. They’re not going to knock down any buildings, disrupt any power lines, or generate any tsunamis. At most, they’re likely to blow down cobwebs, unearth bits of buried treasure, and finally give you an excuse to run into the arms of those you’ve been wanting to share that kind of intimacy with. You’ve been waiting for just this kind of opening. Now use it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

There’s a time for romance, but there’s also a time for practicality. Sometimes it’s nice to dance around a delicate subject but occasionally it’s better to just be blunt and lay all your cards on the table. You could easily choose either method this week, probably with similar results. But the direct and honest approach will also earn you a bit of respect, since lately you’ve developed a reputation for beating around the bush and taking ages just to get to your point. Speak out, Cancer. Tell it like it is. It’s easier, faster, and just as effective (at least this time) as exercising pointless tact.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Let’s face it—even the most evolved Leo has habits born of a powerful ego drive. And every one of us has had the experience of feeling let down—just when you most needed the intoxicating lift of a compliment or some kind of validation, you didn’t get it. This usually sends younger Leos into a temporary spiral of depression or harsh self-criticism. As you get older, however, you learn to provide more and more of your own encouragement. It’s still nice when you get some outside recognition for whatever you’re up to, but you need it less and less. This week, when external validation continues to soar, don’t let your inner strength go soft and flabby from lack of use. Popular acclaim can’t last forever. You’ll want those emotional muscles strong for whenever they get their next workout.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Despite everything else going on, this is a good week for celebration. That means it’s time to release the party animal I know (or at least suspect) is hidden beneath your pragmatic exterior. Most of the year you’re like an industrious and indefatigable ant, but right now you need to be the carefree grasshopper. After all, what’s all that hard work for, unless it occasionally earns you a guilt-free vacation, of sorts? You could have a blast this week, if you let yourself. Are you so set in your ways that you’d deny yourself fun (which you can well afford)?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

No silly whispering behind your hand this week, Libra. I know you practice discretion out of natural tact and concern for others’ feelings (as well as for your own reputation), but right now anything worth saying is worth saying loudly and openly. Own your words and opinions, and stand by them (or, if you’re open-minded enough, truly reconsider them) when they’re challenged. Sneakiness is an undeniably ugly trait, and even though I know your prudence isn’t exactly underhandedness, it’s likely to be interpreted as such. Be loud and bold this week when you speak. If you think you can’t do that, then please just don’t say anything at all.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your craving for extremes makes you procrastinate. You believe you function best under tremendous pressure. You might even think that it’s the only way you can perform, but that’s not exactly true. Because of your habit of waiting until the last possible minute you’ve probably become conditioned to working only under desperate circumstances. But you don’t actually have to wait until the outside world leans on you that hard. There’s a trick that someone with your astute grasp of mental manipulation can perform: choosing to believe that your circumstances have indeed become dire when they haven’t (yet). It’s a self-deception I suggest you learn and practice this week; if you wait until what you think is the last minute, it’ll already be too late.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re definitely not a sore loser. But to be fair you haven’t had much practice at it, since you win so often. Luckily, you’re mostly a gracious winner, instead of gloating and lording your prowess over those less fortunate. Don’t forget that decent habit this week, when your victories will (once again) far outnumber your losses. Even for someone with luck as incredible as yours this winning streak can’t last. When those you’ve trounced trounce you back, you’ll be glad you treated them right when you were on top, because they’re quite likely to return the favor once your positions are reversed.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Getting to know you is a process of becoming familiar with one idiosyncrasy after another. There’s no one around who looks more “normal” at first glance but proves to be anything but, the deeper one explores. Consequently, all of you have experienced this at some point: someone drawn to your “ordinary” façade is scared off by your extraordinary and deep inner world. That could be the case with anyone new who’s recently come into your life, if your surprise them with your weirdness after they’ve already formed much blander impressions of you. May I suggest flaunting your quirks this week? You might indeed freak a few people out, but better now than later.

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

An essay by Barbara Kingsolver describes the mysterious activities of her pet hermit crab, which would inexplicably retreat periodically into his shell for days at a time. Eventually, she guessed that he was responding to tidal forces, even though he was miles from any ocean. I thought of this essay when contemplating you, Pisces, because your internal rhythms, especially this week, are just as inexplicable—perhaps to you as much as to the rest of us. Trust them anyway; they are responding to something bigger than yourself, for your own good. You don’t need to explain them, just accommodate them.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Enlist your nearest and dearest to help you identify the five main things holding you back. Now is a good time to unlearn the habits and thought patterns that keep these shit blockades in play. This isn’t something you can do overnight, although you ought to start today. It might not even be clear what you can do to knock those barriers down for good. That’s where your friends come in. Ask for help. They’re there for you. Articulate the things holding you back and your ever-present team of Aries-loving support crew will do their best to eliminate them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

According to Mayan astrology, their Long Count calendar (spanning 104,000 years) ended in 2012, and we entered a new era at that time. Mayans believed that during the next Long Count our lives would become unrecognizably different. I doubt a rational Taurus would be freaked by ancient prophecies. Nevertheless it’s hard to deny that reality does look a bit different these days than it did half a decade ago. View this as an opportunity to shape what your future will look like, now, while it’s still hopefully malleable. Visualize what you want your world to look like, and start doing what you can to make your dreams come true.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are hardly immune to codependency. But you’ll rarely hear one bragging about their soulmate, or making theatrical avowals of eternal love. It’s just not your style, thank all that’s cool and righteous in this world. However, I hope you don’t let your cynicism/realism keep you from experiencing some of the delicious intensities of love. You can have them, you know, without succumbing to delirious delusions of soulmating and dramatic declarations. You can even acknowledge that most passionate connections are ephemeral things, and still go there. In fact, the poignancy of life’s fleetingness is likely to make them better, not worse.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

As part of my process to enact my 38 New Year’s resolutions, I’m attempting to become more of a morning person. Naturally, after many years of being a total night owl, I’m encountering heaps of internal resistance. But I won’t give up—at least not for a long time. I’m willing to give this venture a few months before I leap to the unlikely conclusion that this new schedule simply doesn’t work for me. You, too, will need to be persistent and less thin-skinned when trying to bring about certain changes in your life. Don’t be daunted by your clever subconscious attempts at self-sabotage, which are likely to take many forms. Doggedness will be rewarded.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Buddhism is tricky for Leos. It’s those crazy-ass supersized egos of yours. While you can recognize how your ego is keeping you from enlightenment or oneness with the universe, it’s hard to shake how it’s also a big source of your power. Believing you’re the shit can gift you with heaps of attractive confidence. But isn’t there a way you can be confident while acknowledging that you’re—when viewed from a more objective standpoint—fairly insignificant? It’s freeing, in a way—which is, naturally, another fantastic source of shine.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’ve spent too much of your life marching to the beat of someone else’s drum. How much of your schedule is set by you, and how much by forces outside of yourself—your job, lover, family, responsibilities? I know Virgos who give every moment of their day to someone else; they’re constantly cleaning, cooking, working, counseling, or traveling to yet another selfless task. While this is all very noble, it’s also very unhealthy. Your superhuman energy levels make it possible—for a time. But it has to end, eventually. Why not now? Make your inspiring selflessness more sustainable—ironically, by carving out a little time just for you. Start with five minutes today. Add five tomorrow. Keep going until there are at least three hours of your day (not counting sleeping) that no one can lay a claim to.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

People who have excellent recall don’t necessarily have superior brains so much as superior techniques. By associating information with emotions, or linking them to visual, auditory, or olfactory stimuli, or using a trick like creating an acronym or memorable sentence, they can remember piles of seemingly random information. What they don’t do, certainly, is constantly tell themselves and others: “Oh, I have a terrible memory,” “I’m bad with names,” or “I suck.” See where I’m going here? Stop reinforcing your flaws. You have the raw material with which to excel. All you have to do is find the way, and that’ll happen as soon as you stop declaring that you can’t do it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Yes, astrology is all bullshit. But it’s also not. Because it deals in archetypal forces common to all of us, it has as much validity as you care to assign to it. It can be a powerful tool for understanding yourself, others, and relationships. For instance, it can’t accurately predict when you’ll die or fall in love—but it can help you figure out how to more gracefully do either. I’ve never known you to shy away from exploring your psyche’s darkest crannies. Why start now? Use whatever tools—astrological or otherwise—you can get your hands on.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Screw the honeymoon period. Sure, it’s sweet when everything is new you can just project whatever you want onto it and get away with it. I much prefer the chapter that comes right after—the one where familiarity generates comfort, but enough remains to be discovered to make things exciting. We don’t enjoy this phase enough. Your task this week: enjoy the honeymoon period with whatever’s new in your life—be it person, job or new surroundings—but concentrate on stretching out and milking the stage that comes right after, because that’s when the really good shit goes down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorns believe in insurance. It’s not that you’re necessarily negative by default—although many of you are. It’s that you believe in taking precautions. “Just in case,” as an idea, makes perfect sense to you, and you’re probably right in believing in it. But applying this philosophy all across the board simply doesn’t work, and trying can cause some serious havoc. Love, for instance, can’t be insured. It’s a leap of faith with no real safety net. There are a few instances in your imminent future when you won’t be able to make everything safe and secure ahead of time. You’ll just have to run, close your eyes, and jump. Prepare for that, if you possibly can.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

A couple months ago, you did the metaphorical equivalent of dropping a piano on your toe. By the time you’d finished screaming, the nail had already started to turn black. You’d subsequently almost completely forgotten about it. Meanwhile, a whole new toenail has been growing in underneath, in secret—until now. This week, the gross, damaged outer layer is ready to finally fall off, revealing the tender, unblemished virgin surface beneath. In other words, now that your injured, protective shell is out of the way, you’re ready for someone to appreciate what’s underneath. Finding the someone who will is your next important task.

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

As much as you’d love to wipe the slate clean and start over, your repeated attempts to do so aren’t likely to succeed at the moment. They require time, and nothing else—no amount of herculean effort or passionate desire—will do. Everything changes, eventually. Sometimes you can influence how and how fast things transform, and sometimes you just have to wait for an opening. Be patient, my dear. It might not happen exactly when and how you wish it would, but it will, ultimately, all work out.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

A classic Aries mistake is to take on too much. You generate a magnificent game plan, and instead of breaking it up into manageable chunks, you attempt to make it all happen at once. Despite your tremendous vigor and determination, this almost always results in disaster, because the next time your energy wanes, you become overwhelmed by the enormity of what you’ve taken on. Your strategy for self-improvement is like a nine-course meal. You’ve got to pace yourself, and tackle it in bite-sized pieces. Chew and swallow one at a time. It may take you longer than you wished to get to dessert, but at least you’ll get there (without choking).

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Bonsai trees are genetically no different than the full-size trees in the park. They’ve just been trimmed and trained to limit their growth so they develop into the attractively stunted form that’s their defining characteristic. Humans aren’t quite so malleable; nevertheless, there are those who’d limit your access to the things that will help you grow. These people have their own specific agendas, but generally the idea is to maintain the status quo. I find the idea of keeping you limited and safe repugnant. Break out of the tiny pot that’s keeping your roots short and shallow, and get out of the shade. It’s time to grow—whether those around you like it, or not.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are prone to caffeine addiction. Most of you hate to begin your day without a cup of joe. We know the story: at first it’s a performance enhancer, but eventually it’s simply a performance maintainer—you can’t function without it. Constantly running this kind of energy deficit isn’t healthy. Now, we both know asking you to give up your java, mate, tea, or cola is a ridiculous proposition. But changing your relationship to it isn’t so much to ask. Assess how often you consume the stuff because you “need’ it, and how often simply out of boredom or habit. I suspect you’ll find areas where you could (and probably should, admit it) significantly cut down. If you agree, heed me: this is a good week to try.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Now is not the time to indulge in one of your favorite activities: wallowing in nostalgia. But touching base with the sweeter moments of your past could be useful, as you have the chance to create a number of delicious, vivid memories this week (the kind you’d wallow in later in life). Try to remember the best times of your life, if only to recall why they were the best times. You can’t recreate your youth, and you shouldn’t try. But some (and only some) of the habits of those good times could be reinvented now, with amazing results. Don’t waste time thinking your best years are behind you. Consider it a challenge to somehow make this one (and every one) better than the last.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s all about unbridled generosity, about lavishing those you love (and even some of those you don’t) with all the blessings you have it in your power to dispense. You have many faults, Leo; this you know. Unfortunately, some people have been noticing the crap sides of you much more than the sweet ones. Maybe you have been a bit selfish? Make up for it now by giving, without thought of what you’ll get back, without self-doubt, without investing it in meaning either way. Remember that giving to others is quite a nice thing to do—and the fewer strings attached to your offerings, the nicer it is.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Sorry, darling. You’re fun to play jokes on. We don’t mean you to suffer, really, and if we thought our mischief would actually hurt you, we wouldn’t go there. Your reactions are so entertaining, your good sportsmanship exemplary; and your pragmatically forgiving nature ensures there won’t be long-term repercussions to a silly prank. Despite your sweetness I suspect the thought of revenge occasionally crosses your mind. I hope you don’t take this notion too seriously, but if you can deliver it as lightheartedly as the original offences (which were never especially mean-spirited) then this week is a good time to dispense your vengeance.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your sign’s symbol is a set of scales. The whole balance thing means that it’s hard for you to let go of a grudge. I’ve known Libras to carry baggage for years, waiting for a chance to get even. But please just consider how all that emotional luggage is screwing up your life, my dear. You certainly can’t move as far or as fast as you could if you were traveling more lightly. You want to keep evolving at a snail’s pace? Fine. Go ahead. But don’t expect all of us to wait for you. If I were you, I’d dump that shit, pronto, and start trying to catch up.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Because you’ve had so much practice, you’re awfully good at living with regret. Woulda, coulda, shoulda—these words occur way too often in your personal soundtrack. Yeah, you’ve screwed up, at times, and because you’re a Scorpio, those mistakes have occasionally been huge. And even though you rationally accept that there’s nothing to be done but move on, it’s often awfully hard for you to do so. This week, however, you should get a good solid boost in that direction—if you choose to run with it, you could travel so far down the road away from your screw-up that you can’t even see it, let alone spend hours reliving it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your personal PR isn’t inaccurate; it’s simply optimistic. It pertains to only the best parts of you—sort of the you that’d exist, full-time, if you’d never been hurt, damaged, or suffered self-doubt. You’re lucky; your best self makes frequent appearances. Inevitably, though, you eventually get bogged down. This is when you get into trouble. Because you initially put on your best face, some people feel betrayed when the less-than-perfect reality shows up. This week, try a new strategy: modesty. Downplay your greatness. That way, when reality doesn’t match your advertising, it won’t matter, because people will be surprised and impressed, not disappointed.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Sweetheart, we just want an in. Sometimes the very thing we found attractive at first—your inscrutability, for instance—is exactly what keeps us from acting on that attraction; we just don’t know how. Help us out, Capricorn. Spill your guts. These are not the kinds of secrets that serve you well; indeed, it’s in your best interest that they become common knowledge—everyone will be happier that way. Give us some clues, too, if you please, regarding how to seduce one of you emotional weirdoes. Teaching us this skill is pure win.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I wish I could be as cool as you. I don’t mean that facetiously; I’m often subject to embarrassing lapses when my emotionality gets the best of me; I’ve rarely, if ever, witnessed anything like that happening to you. If you ever allow your feelings to rage out of control, you must do it in private, where no one else can see. Although this has surely often been useful—it won’t be this week. See, some people are (desperately) looking for signs of emotion. Whether you feel the way they hope you do, or not, giving them that rare glimpse of your internal workings will not only avoid lots of trouble and needless drama—it’s likely to be an unexpected win-win.

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You suck at making decisions to a timetable. So what? When you’re left to your own devices, this isn’t a problem. It’s only when you’re required to conform to somebody else’s schedule that you run into trouble. As hard as you try, you sometimes encounter an unavoidable, seemingly impossible deadline. Every Pisces needs a strategy for dealing with these situations effectively. I know some who simply flip a coin (a few times) and abide by whatever the result is, despite their own misgivings. They’ve recognized that they’d have misgivings—or at least mixed feelings—either way. What’s your tactic? Don’t have one? Work on that, this week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Many Rams have trouble seeing long-term (and occasionally even short-term) projects through to fruition. They feel compelled to sample many different experiences, and move on to new ones quickly. This is absolutely fine—as long as it doesn’t become a lifelong habit. Members of your tribe are usually very successful, once they’ve learned to rein in that intense (but ever-shifting) focus. The ones who learn to stay excited long after the honeymoon glow has faded are the ones who get rich, married, and famous. The ones who don’t—well they don’t get much of anywhere.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taureans rarely seek the easy way out. You don’t often shrink from unpleasant realities, or hesitate to work your way out of a hole. That’s why when there’s a simple route to success, absolution, or happiness, you don’t trust it—frequently you don’t even notice it! Of course, there’s no such thing as a free ride, so I don’t expect you to fall for any of the sucker trips that nail some of the more naïve signs. However, keep your eyes peeled for a realistic shortcut this week, because one is very likely to present itself. I know I’m fond of reminding people that the journey is more important than the destination, and I still stand by that. But I also believe that a good journey isn’t necessarily the one that takes the longest way around.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re gorgeous, darling. You’ve been lovely all along—only this week people are more likely to actually notice. That ought to feel good after feeling more or less invisible the last few months. Don’t let it go to your head, though; part of the reason people are looking at you with a new eye is because of the kind of humility or modesty you’ve acquired during this last chapter. Don’t start showing off now. Quiet confidence is the way. Go ahead and bask in this overdue spotlight of attention, but please resist the urge to perform in it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The convoluted, exhausting hoops you make others jump through are nothing compared to the obstacle courses you make yourself suffer. Why do you do this to us and to yourself? Your eagerness to leap to concrete conclusions based on a broad spectrum of ever-shifting emotions only makes life more unpleasant for you and everyone. “Because of this and that and this, it means they don’t love me.” Shit like that, whether it’s “true” or not (and it’s probably not), isn’t the least bit helpful and only makes it more likely that you’ll manifest the scenario that you dread. Please keep that in mind this week. Take things at face value—without imbuing them with hidden meanings—or don’t take them at all.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You really can’t keep a good Leo down. Now that you’re free of the dampening influences of some of those who were holding you back (mostly without meaning to, to be fair), you can go ahead and thrive in ways you haven’t been able to in many months (or, in some cases, years). Concentrate on rediscovering the parts of yourself that you’d nearly forgotten about, and certainly haven’t—in recent memory—expressed. Remember what’s great about you? I’ll give you a hint. One of the things I admire about Leos is their bold, unabashed, honest (yet kind) directness. You used to say shit most other signs just don’t have the guts to say. Isn’t it time you started again?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

When I encounter someone who’s gung-ho to tear astrology a new bumhole with their well-honed skepticism, I pop their philosophical hard-on by cheerfully agreeing it’s all bullshit. When I meet someone more open-minded, however, I’m usually happy to indulge their curiosity and even share whatever advice or guidance I can come up with. I know you tend to trust your own instincts over others’ insights, but this week I suggest you sheathe your cynicism; it’s not currently doing you any good. You need someone who’s objective to help you with this one—preferably a stranger. If you ask nicely, they might give you the advice and guidance you need.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’ve been feeling as out of place lately as a fashionista trying to buy an outfit in an auto parts store. You’ve had plenty of resources, but nothing to spend them on. Luckily, this week you should find yourself more in your familiar element. That doesn’t mean you should go on a spending spree, though. Sure, treat yo’self. But don’t go crazy. There are plenty of rainy days ahead, so keep something aside so you’re able to get yourself a new umbrella when they hit.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

If you give a dog treats all the time, they cease to be treats, really. They come to expect them, and they’re suddenly more likely to be a source of disappointment (when they don’t get one) than pleasure. That’s not to say they doesn’t enjoy them every time you offer one, but they’re no longer quite so special. You see where I’m going with this, right? This is not, of course, a reason to start withholding (from yourself or anyone) the basic pleasures of your existence. But choose at least one special thing that you’ll strive to keep that way, and not ruin with overindulgence.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Yeah, you could just wipe your hands of the whole thing and walk away. It doesn’t technically have anything to do with you, after all. But it’s happening in your neighborhood, so to speak. Most of the time, you’re right—you’d be better off leaving well enough alone. But in this case you actually have the power to do something about a situation—if not make it right, at least improve it. I confess, I buy into that whole “with power comes responsibility” thing, so if I were in your shoes, I’d feel some kind of obligation to try. Don’t you?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It’s not that there aren’t many layers to you; it’s that you’ve got them so well compartmentalized and under control—each one emerges when it’s appropriate—that most people think of you as an incredibly consistent, excessively-focused, and slightly boring person. They don’t get to see all the other sides of you—except maybe this week, when it might be in your best interest to allow some cracks, at least, to appear in the façade. Hell, while you’re at it, just rip off your business suit, stripper-style, and show off what you’ve got underneath. I mean, if you’re going to do it, why not do it with some kind of flair?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Life should start to feel significantly lusher this week. That’s a good thing after the kind of bare bones winter you’ve had. Enjoy your suddenly much more rich-feeling surroundings this week, but please don’t overindulge. All that abundance after the Spartan existence of your most recent chapter could make you sick. And the last thing you want is to be miserable because your life has gotten better. So go ahead and enjoy the improvements that have come your way—but go slow. Savor them slowly—and make them (and your enjoyment of them) last that much longer.

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I’ve never met a Pisces who could perfectly “fit in.” Despite your extreme malleability and changeability (or perhaps because of it), consistently blending in to your surroundings and not startling people nearby with your numerous eccentricities has always been impossible. That tendency’s likely to be magnified this week, so don’t torture yourself with perceived social pressures. We love you just the way you are. Let it all hang out. It will, anyway, and we’d much rather you sported all your idiosyncrasies with grace and pride, rather than spend your time and energy scrambling to try to cover them up.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Some people don’t understand your passion, probably because they’ve never let themselves experience anything like it. They see it as changeable, inconsistent, and unreliable—which it is, but so what? It’s a tremendous, all-consuming flame, constantly hungry for new fuel to feed it. That scares them. This week, though, you have a chance to introduce someone to the painful joy that real passion entails. Just don’t instantly unleash the full force of that fiery intensity, because at the first singe they’ll turn tail and run for the hills. Warm them up slowly. If you really take your time, you’ll eventually light a fire so bright it’ll cut your electricity bills in half.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I recently tracked down an old Taurus friend. It was easy. He had the same number he’s had for the last ten years. In the same amount of time, I’ve lived in half a dozen different cities and wandered the whole world. I was impressed and deeply intrigued, as I always am with someone who’s quite consciously made different choices than I have. I guarantee there’s a lot of richness to be gained there. This week, track down and catch up with someone you loved, but whose choices diverged wildly from the ones you made. You both have something important to be learned from the other—and guess what? There’s fun to be had there, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

This is a good week, astrologically, for you to achieve goals, pursue pleasure, and indulge whims. What’s about to happen? Perhaps nothing amazing, per se, but whole mountains of pleasantness lie before you; everything you set your hand to at the moment will turn out at least alright. You could just chill and enjoy it, if you like. But you could also see that as a good base upon which to build. You could turn this above-average week into an extraordinary one. That, my dear, is entirely up to you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Don’t self-sabotage. You may feel daunted by the convolutions of the path ahead of you, but to quit before you’ve begun would be incredibly stupid. After all, you’ve been training for this kind of thing your whole life (especially since the obstacle course ahead is mostly of your own design and choosing). It won’t be easy, but if anyone can navigate that treacherous maze, it’s you. What’s the worst that could happen, after all? Yeah, it would suck to make it three-quarters of the way through and then fail. But I can’t help thinking that even though breaking your own leg now would be easier, it would, in the bigger picture view, suck a whole lot more.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Darling, I know how much you want to be loved. And you’re never happier than when you’ve got your entourage of admirers. But you’ve also got to learn to operate and shine without your coterie/lover/minions. It may not come naturally to you; after all, lions are social creatures who normally operate in a pride. But it’s also necessary for not only your happiness, but your survival, because those who love you simply can’t be there all the times you need them to. You’ve gotten lazy, using all that attention to supply the radiance you’re famous for. This week, let your shine come from within, regardless of who’s there to notice or appreciate it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Transcend anything that might be construed as prudish. You’re not naturally squeamish or prim (what earth sign is?), but you’re sometimes innocent or inexperienced in a way that can come off as straitlaced or pedantic. However, considering the crowd (or person) you want to impress this week, displaying anything less than a lusty sense of humor and an eager willingness to try anything (at least once) would be doing yourself an injustice. After all, here’s a chance to become that much more worldly and experienced—and have a blast doing it. Please, darling: don’t blow it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve nurtured a growing appreciation for you guys. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still terribly bored by those Libras who manifest their impulses towards balance by choosing an incredibly average middle-of-the-road path. They’re stultifyingly “nice” and “normal.’ However, those Libras who are more ambitious and imaginative, who take their artistic impulses and sprint with them, who use their flexibility (in every sense of the word) to add true beauty (and not just bland prettiness) to the world—those Libras are my heroes. If you’re not fulfilling that gorgeous potential, get on it. Remember, you’ll never be anyone’s hero by maintaining the status quo, diluting or obscuring your individuality, or just being “nice.”

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’re the kind of acquired taste it’s hard to shake. People may cringe at your intense flavor at first, but given a second or third chance, they often come around to loving it. You’ve been getting down on yourself lately, because people haven’t been lapping you up like ice cream. They just haven’t gotten used to you yet. It’s certainly no reason to try to tone yourself down so that more people can enjoy you. Be patient. If you’ll just hang tight, I guarantee that at least a few of those people who initially turned their noses up at what you had to offer will soon come back around for more.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Unlike you, some of us don’t spring from our beds looking as fresh as daisies. We’ve got horrible bedhead, morning breath, and bags under our eyes, and it takes at least a little while before we’re ready to face the world, let alone embark on the next adventure. Oh, you need some prep, too? We’d never get that impression from the kind of superhuman attitude you’ve been sporting lately. I have to tell you—it’s put a few of your potential admirers off. You don’t need to flaunt your flaws, exactly, but letting us catch a glimpse of them wouldn’t be so hard, would it? I think you’ll find that the whole picture of who you are—good and bad—earns you more respect (and gets you laid more often) than trying to put your best face forward.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Many Capricorns think of their bodies as machines—something to be maintained and often a source of embarrassment or inconvenience. But this week you’re likely to remember, quite viscerally, how great a fount of pleasure and joy your body can be, despite its imperfections or “malfunctions.” Go with it. It’s about time you revised your perception of your body and started to actually love it, instead of just deal with it. You’ve too long had a kind of disconnect between heart, mind, and flesh. This week’s sensual potential could be just the thing to heal that gap.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Watch where you’re slinging the cooling influence of the water you carry this week, Water Bearer. Although people mostly benefit from the kind of reason and logic you bring to emotional situations, it can also be quite a damper if improperly used. Sometimes people need to explore extremes of feeling—even if they’re dangerous—to learn something new about themselves, or just to satisfy themselves that they’re really living their lives. So be wary about the kind of help you offer this week. If you see someone in flames, certainly get the bucket ready. But don’t put the fire out unless you’re quite certain they want you to.

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Being the center of the universe sucks, doesn’t it? If someone nearby is in a bad mood, it’s obviously because you’ve done something wrong. If the people around you have problems, it’s clearly your job to solve them. Even if you can logically dismiss these irrational and self-hindering illusions, emotionally it’s not so easy. Nevertheless, you must try. You can’t solve the world’s problems, at least not this week. Assume you have nothing to do with anything happening around you unless someone points out the correlation. Even then, don’t necessarily take their convictions at face value—ask them to prove it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Tell the voice of reason to go screw itself. I know that’s weird advice to give a Taurus, of all people, but this week it’s necessary. Sometimes you just have to embrace illogic or attempt the seemingly impossible. Your willingness to venture into realms where common sense and reason dare not enter is what separates you from the androids. That’s the only place art, music, love, and inspired creativity can occur. It’s certainly not safe, painless, risk-free, or a guarantee of success. That’s part of what makes it so great. This week the unknown is definitely calling. The question is: will you answer?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Backpedaling isn’t usually your thing. You despise having to eat your words or apologize for your actions, but every once in a while, it’s simply warranted. If you want to move forward with a clear conscience and without some big regret or mistake dragging you down, you know what you’ve got to do. There’s no point in waiting; continuing on as you have will only mean you’ve got more terrain to cover when retracing your steps. Do what you’ve got to do, and better now than five minutes, five days, or five years from now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I have yet to meet a Cancer who doesn’t like dancing, secretly. Many of you are reluctant to shake your booty outside the privacy of your own bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you never get your groove on. Once I discovered this endearing secret, I wondered what other fantastic mysteries you’d been hiding, and also wondered why you’d keep them from us, who would only love you more for them. Shatter the silence, darling. It’s about time. Tell us your secret habits. Don’t be shy. Trust me, they can only add to your appeal.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Sometimes leadership is all about delegation. Let’s face it, as wonderful and talented as you are, there are just some people you rub the wrong way. In this particular circumstance, you might not be the best person to take your team towards its goal(s). That means you might have to swallow your pride and step aside so someone else can deliver the goods, just this once. That’s insanely hard to do, I know, but if it’s really a choice between stubbornly maintaining the status quo, and failing, or letting someone else shine, and being part of a successful team, which would you really prefer?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You haven’t been laughing at much, lately. Don’t tell me it’s because the world is a miserable place. Although there’s a lot of pain and sadness floating around, there’s also loads of funny. I suspect you’re just not seeing them because you’re too busy; only the most dire and urgent news penetrates your little bubble. You need to laugh more, darling. It’s as simple as that. Make time and space for things that are lighthearted, inspiring, beautiful, or just genuinely funny. All your other important shit has got to shove over to make room for you to laugh in—because that’s important, too.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

On the one hand, you’ve got the siren song of friends, pleasure, and pure hedonism. On the other, you’ve got the pressures of responsibility and duty, and the lure of a kind of a notoriety, wealth, or fame. You may have deluded yourself that you can follow both paths, but I’m here to disabuse you of that notion. You can’t—at least not this week. Trying would mean you’d only give each one half the energy it needs to be successful or enjoyable. It’s time to decide which way you’ll go. This isn’t a long-term decision; just how you’ll spend the next three months. Which will you be: the person everyone can always count on for a laugh, or the responsible one that everyone can always count on?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

My apartment, the last few months, has been cycling through Scorpionic extremes. My laziness or busy-ness contribute to a steady acquisition of clutter until I can stand it no longer, and I spend a few intense hours cleaning and tidying everything. Then the cycle begins again. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Although in your case, the housekeeping (or lack of) refers to your soul, not your house. I’m not about to suggest some anal, Virgo-inspired schedule which requires you to tidy periodically and avoid such chaos entirely. All I’m recommending is that you do your periodic cleaning-out a bit early this time around. Get your house in order this week. You’ll need lots of internal space and clarity for what’s coming up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This week you’re liable to get lots of positive reinforcement for your bad habits. Here’s hoping you can let it roll off your back. It’d be a shame to take that one step closer to full-blown alcoholism just because people really enjoy you when you’re drunk. It’s a shame not just because being a full-time lush would suck in and of itself; people are avid advocates of your naughtiest sides only because they’re suitably rare. If they were to become the main faces you showed the world, they’d get old right quick. Enjoy the attention you get for being “bad,” but don’t let it take you off the well-chosen path you’re already on.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There’s no magic formula to being funny. You also can’t conduct a love affair according to some self-help guide, raise kids with a standardized rulebook, or make accolade-worthy art from a kit. Life’s most important and valuable events only work well when you’re truly present in the moment, and reacting to them in a fresh way every time. It’s one thing to draw upon your experience, and quite another to try to duplicate it. Beware exactly that temptation this week, when a seemingly familiar situation presents itself. Reacting the same way you did last time would be a bad idea. This time, please, please try something new.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re treading water, a little. The good news is you’re doing fine; you certainly haven’t lost any ground. Neither, though, have you gained any. This pattern has every sign of continuing for a long time, unless you find a radical way to break out of it. Never fear, I I’ve already figured out one possible solution for you: Just for one week, get up an hour earlier. Go to bed a little earlier if necessary, but make it happen, every day, for seven days. Craft a strong intention of what you’ll do with these seven extra hours this week, then just do it. It’s a ridiculously simple plan, I know. But it also just so happens to be one that’ll work.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Taking a stand isn’t really one of your most developed talents. Your position tends to slide out from under you, sucked out to sea like fine sand. Suddenly the whole idea seems pointless, or the side you’re purporting to oppose has begun to make sense. So what do you do when someone (like your lover) or something (like your job) requires you to be a consistent advocate of something you only believe in part-time? You could, naturally, reject the idea outright (and possibly lose job or lover). Or you could try to make them feel guilty for forcing you into a role that doesn’t come naturally. Or you could actually go for it, full-on, and see how far you can stretch to hang on to something you love. Your choice.

Aries

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Different predators use different methods to catch their prey. Some lie patiently in wait for long periods. Others stalk their victims until they can catch them unawares. Some lay traps. Still others rely on greater strength or speed to simply run them down. And some, like the wiliest of your tribe, employ all of these strategies, and more, when in pursuit of what they want. Many of you, however, stick to the one or two methods that come most naturally, and thus miss out on lots of money, action, and fun. Exercise your versatility this week, Aries, and instead of using the same tired old game, try something that might actually work.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Is sex the glue that holds your relationship together (or kept previous connections from falling apart)? That’s not uncommon, and it’s certainly understandable. But it’s also why so many relationships fall apart when the sex ebbs (as it inevitably does), and why earnest post-break-up entreaties to “still be friends” so often fail. Is the person you love also someone you like? How much do you enjoy each other out of the sack? This is a good week to address those questions, and develop your connection outside the bedroom. I know “work on your friendship” is kind of boring advice this week, but guess what? If you do, the sex’ll get better, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

If you’re still waiting for the stamp of approval from someone—your boss, pal, or lover—you’re deluding yourself, because it’s never going to happen. This doesn’t mean your idea is bad. It just means they’re not capable of wrapping their head around it, so they’re not going to be able to wholeheartedly support it. Sorry. As much as you’d like to have their encouragement and assistance, you’re on your own with this one. It’s kind of a test. How much do you believe in yourself? How much can you rely on yourself? The good news is that if you pull this one off, despite their doubts, you’ll probably have their cooperation the next time around.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’re one of the three signs I understand best (probably just after my beloved Leos and Aries). Thus I have tons of compassion for you. I also have a powerful drive to push you, because I know that’s what you need, sometimes: that little extra shove to shake you out of a rut, jumpstart you into action, or simply wake you up. This week I want you to remember the times you’ve most been stuck, and how you’ve eventually gotten out of them. Who helped you? How? I don’t care if you’ve already done it, but go thank them, again, at once.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Guilt is not a useful emotion here, especially because it’s regarding other feelings—none of which you can control. If you insist on invoking the whole remorse thing, apply it only to your actions, not your emotions. Above all, reject outside expectations. (For instance, I initially felt pretty guilty when I was more relieved and exhilarated than sad that a relationship was over; that was, however, mostly about ideas I had about what one was “supposed to” feel at the end of a relationship.) Feel what you feel, darling, without judging it one way or another, or complicating the situation with needless self-reproach. You deserve better.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

This week you might feel a bit like a submarine anchored to the ocean floor, and running out of air. Your mission, however, demands that you remain here just a little bit longer, so panicking would not serve you well. Anyway, everything’s actually fine at the moment; everyone’s got what they need to survive, if not thrive. It’s just that reserves are dangerously low and you can’t help worrying that they won’t suffice to do what you’ve got to do. Keep your cool. It’s probably going to be kind of a close thing. But you’ll pull through.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Last night I dreamt you were doing some kind of bellydance striptease, a la Salomé. You had layers and layers of gauzy veils, which you tantalizingly pulled away until finally you yanked off the last two to reveal what you had on underneath: Granny’s unflattering flannel pajamas. I woke up laughing, but I could imagine those who wouldn’t; the ones who don’t share your sense of humor, or who can’t help being led on by their expectations. Be aware of these fellows, this week, Libra, because they could, if you let them, spoil your fun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Even if you’re one of those Scorpios who loves it when it’s cold and snowy, and who resist complaining about winter weather, you still can’t help but look forward to Spring. Those first few hints—a warm breath of wind, a bit of birdsong—can make you hopeful and impatient for the whole deal. That makes every subsequent snowflake or patch of ice slightly frustrating. Does this sound familiar? You’ve been venturing happily into the unknown for ages now, but just a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel would probably have you sprinting for it. Am I right? Well, get ready to run, because just such a glimpse should glimmer forth this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

No one wakes up looking their best. For most of us, it takes a little while to get up to speed; we’ve got to shower, shit, fix our bedheads, and so on before we’re ready to put our best faces forward. So I don’t know why you’re expecting to jump right into your newest venture and perform at the top of your game. Would you enter a modeling contest fresh out of bed and still hung-over from the night before? This is much the same. Give yourself time to warm up, prepare, and get into it. If it’s a race and others pull ahead, so be it. You can work on catching up later. I’m still betting on you—and I doubt I’m the only one.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Although naturally there were popular Capricorns, many of your tribe mates weren’t part of the in-crowd when they were in school. In fact, I know lots of poor Goats who suffered horrible nicknames or humiliating situations back then. Most of them moved on, but others never forgot what it was like to feel like an outsider. Now that you’re most definitely an insider—at least in this one particular situation—please remember or imagine what it was like to be left out of that, and what you wished someone might have done for you. Then do exactly that for the one who needs (or deserves) it most.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Still wishing for the body you had five years ago? Don’t you remember that five years back you were longing for the body you had five years before that? When will you be happy? Never, at this rate. No one has the “perfect” body. You’ll basically be content when you simply decide that what you’ve got isn’t so bad. This work, work on being at least satisfied (hell, go for overjoyed, if you can) with the hand you’re dealt. That shouldn’t keep you from making desired changes to improve things, but I guarantee you: change will come a lot easier if you’re happy, not disgruntled, while you go for it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

In some cases, signs opposite each other on the zodiac wheel aren’t so different—Leos and Aquarians, for example, are in many ways quite similar. You and your opposing sign, Virgo, however, have little common ground. They embrace organization, order, activity, and efficiency, and see chaos as a thing to tame. You, on the other hand, treasure your periods of inactivity, can be equally inspired or overwhelmed by chaos, and reject entirely the idea of exerting too much control over your reality. It’s not that one viewpoint is better than the other. It’s just that each has its own advantages. Given your situation this week, acting like a Virgo will serve you better than your usual M.O. ever could. Why don’t you try it?

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Everyone’s had one of those stomach-churning nights where something you ate didn’t agree with you, and you spent the entire time making trips into the bathroom (or giving up and just camping out there). It’s amazing how much that can throw you for a loop; lack of sleep and nourishment makes you feel incredibly shaky and weak the next day. So you’ve surely experienced how crappy you feel when deprived of physical rest and sustenance; why should it be any different emotionally? You need to give yourself time to recharge from exhausting ordeals and restock the kinds of energy you can actually run on. If you don’t take that time, you’re just looking for trouble.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Watch your step. What looks like a shallow puddle is actually a sinkhole. What you thought might simply wet your socks is liable to plunge you into murky water way over your head. It’s easy enough to avoid, if you’re willing to slow down quite a bit, and make sure that every footfall forward lands on recognizably solid ground. This might be a difficult choice to make, given the speedy clip with which you’ve been able to progress of late, but nevertheless, I suggest you make it. Your other option, naturally, is a full stop.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your situation is like one of those macro photographs of something in intense close-up. It’s impossible to tell what you’re looking at — a vulva? An elbow? A flower? It could be virtually anything, so it’s almost impossible to choose the correct reaction to it. Surprise? Admiration? Humor? Shock? Basically your only realistic option is to keep your cool and develop your patience. It may take a long time for things to properly unfold this week, ages before you’re able to get some real perspective. Don’t jump the gun, though, as tempting as that might be. Stay absolutely chill and hold on until you really know what you’re looking at. Then act.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Every Cancer has a private fantasy of ultimate (and ultimately unrealistic) domesticity. Perhaps you wish you could come home from work to find dinner on the table and a drink at hand; you put your feet up for a massage and take the time to talk over the day with whoever’s there. As far as fantasies go, this one’s pretty tame, but somehow as difficult to manifest as more convoluted ones involving multiple people and props. Nevertheless, you deserve to at least once in a great while have your rather modest wish granted. This week might be your turn. The key? Ask nicely. Bargain. And never, ever be ungracious.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You can’t always be Prince(ss) Valiant, rushing in to save the day. Sometimes it’s possible to gallop in on your white charger, vanquish the beast, and play hero to the innocent virgin. Sometimes it’s not. The trick is determining which is which. Unfortunately, you’ve guessed wrong enough times before that now you’re full of self-doubt. Is this a chance to shine, or to get trampled in the mud? Astrologically, it’s likely the former. Trust your gut, though; it’s ultimately the real gauge. However, if it seems like you’re in a position to swoop in and rescue someone in need, you almost certainly can.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Every stain has a solution. Crafty launderers know all the tricks. Too bad your memories aren’t so easily expunged. I still think you could be free of that one stubborn stain of remembrance, even if you’ve tried nearly everything. Give it one more go. If all else fails, don’t throw in the towel and just accept that there’ll always be this ugly blotch holding you back. Consider, instead, the last resort when it comes to salvaging an otherwise ruined garment: dying the damn thing. Soak yourself in so many (ideally stronger and better) memories that you couldn’t possibly spare another moment for that one.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Nearly everyone’s overdone it with booze at some point. Most of us retain deep, visceral memories so powerful that we’re reluctant to even touch the stuff that took us there ever again, whether it’s tequila, Southern Comfort or gin. However, not everything you’ve reacted badly to can be as easily avoided as a certain flavor of alcohol. Sometimes—like this week—you have to push through the retching and distaste and just bear it. I hope you find a way to do that, or you’ll be missing out on some opportunities that come along with it. No need to overindulge in the stuff, like last time. But letting yourself at least pretend to enjoy a sip or two would not only be a good move on many levels, it’s also quite likely to build character.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When a fashion designer crafts a new outfit, they usually do a number of sketches and mock-ups (with more inexpensive fabric) first. These practice runs allow the dress to become more refined. Even though no one will ever use or even see these first few incarnations of the dress, they are vital steps in the process. Your confidence has gotten out of hand, this week. You think you can jump straight from the idea to the finished product, without the whole trial and error thing in between. Wrong. You think you know exactly where you’re headed, and I admire your vision. But not taking the time to make the journey there would be a mistake—because it’s that very journey that’s likely to change (and improve) your ultimate destination — and you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Remember when you used to catch bugs or frogs and put them in jars for study, when you were a kid? I’ve yet to meet a Sag who hasn’t at least once or twice been ruled by their curiosity in this way. Eventually, though, as you peered in at your victim, you couldn’t help identifying with them to some extent, and ultimately releasing them. I admire this about you; familiarity, for you, doesn’t breed contempt (although, occasionally you are subject to boredom) so much as affection. If you find yourself shying away from someone this week, for whatever reason, resist the urge. Move closer to them instead. Even if you’re never able to like them, you may, eventually, love them, just a little.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

One rule when you’re climbing or hiking is never put your hands or feet somewhere that you can’t see them. You never know what’s lurking just out of sight in the shadow of a rock or beneath a clump of long grass. Remember that this week as you venture into truly unexplored territory. There’s a lot of wild and dangerous shit out here, and it could really mess you up, if you’re not careful. I’m not too worried about you, though, my pretty Goats. If anyone has the patience and stamina to watch their step from start to finish, it’s certainly you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

So now that you’re getting better at discerning when to put out fires, and when to let them burn, you can move on to the next thing: when to actually start them. It’s not fair for you to always be reactive, letting some of the more fiery signs do all the heavy lifting and motivating. Every once in a while it’s your turn to step up and light fires under the asses of those who sorely need your inspiration. You know who they are. By leaving them to their own devices, you’re actually letting them down. Even if it doesn’t come naturally to you, Water Bearer, please pull out those matches and get to work.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisceans are champion cuddlers. Most Fish would rather have a snuggle than a screw, if they had to choose. That’s a powerful instinct, actually, and one that’s likely to be quite helpful this week, even if it comes off as a bit oversweet or lame to some people. You see, there are those who think they know what they need—whether it’s a lay, advice, or some retail therapy — but what’s actually going to do the trick is some simple, authentic, honest, down-to-earth affection. And guess who’s just the person to give it to them, whether they’re ready or not? You, of course.

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It’s the beginning of the wedding season, so Star Stresses decided to look at the photo shoot of our last in-house wedding party, which was just a few weeks ago.

This is what we saw:

The bride and her party came into Star Tresses at 8 a.m., nine bridesmaids plus the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom and, of course, the bride.

Some of the maids were still wearing pajamas. Obviously, the rehearsal party was a lot of fun.

As always, our wedding hostess offered everyone coffee, juice, bagels and pastries, which were welcomed by all. The mothers who are always nervous and in a hurry were whisked into styling and makeup chairs and transformed into queens for the day.

After an open consultation with the bridesmaids about the color and design of their gowns, they also were seated where curling, wave and straightening irons showed off their tool power as our stylists created masterpieces.

Braids, chignons, messy buns, long waves and curls were on the hair menu for the day. Of course taking it all in was the bride whose stylist dug out her notes and hand drawing of the bride’s pre-bridal party run. This guarantees only happy tears are shed on the very special day.

Before we placed the bridal veil, she was ushered into the makeup chair, airbrushed and detailed. When complete, she was so beautiful; she looked like she was ready for a photo shoot for Vogue.

She was glowing, and while she was the head turner, her bridal party looked like show stoppers as well. And guess what? With both moms included, they covered the 12 signs of the zodiac

Mother of the bride was an Aires: Her hair was auburn cut in a short to long bob. Her stylist created a hair flower below the crown and enhanced it with a few gemstones that matched her dress.

Mother of the Groom was a Taurus: with natural steel colored hair (gorgeous). Her stylist rolled it into a modern half twist. She was stunning.

The maid of honor was a Gemini: who chose to wear her hair half up and half down, waved, tucked and knotted.

Bridesmaid whose sign was Cancer: At the onset she had a frown on her face, and we hoped she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid from hell (we’ve had those in the past), but once her hair was shaped into a messy bun and looked exactly like the photo on her phone, her smile assured the staff she loved it.

Leo: side part, severely gathered to one side, which cascaded down her shoulder (golden curls, ooh la la).

Virgo: center part, soft bangs, hair gathered at the crown and formed into a topknot.

Libra: middle bun, rather large, blonde highlights, no fluff around the face, pulled straight back.

Scorpio: side braid on both sides, crisscrossed in the back and tucked under a sleek bun.

Sagittarius: The Bride! Very long hair gathered into a sleek ponytail, which was wrapped in a string of crystals. Her headpiece was a matching comb with a sheer veil attached (very striking and dramatic).

Capricorn: wore her long, voluminous dark hair down in waves and curls.

Aquarius: wore her long hair down as well, only it was ironed straight, then her stylist crimped five one-inch sections and released them. It looked like ribbons were hanging down her hair.

Pisces: wore a side fishtail braid, which her stylist adorned with four sequins down the center of the tail.

Did we forget the two flower girls? They were twins (you can guess their sign).

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/web1_November-hairology.jpg

Carolyn Salvaggio

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/web1_star5.jpgCarolyn Salvaggio Amanda Hrycyna | Weekender

Aries (March 21-April 19)

An Aries walking around with an empty belly? How is this happening? Usually, you experience a need and you fill it, no matter what gets in your way. So what could possibly convince you to deprive yourself? A potential love? A principle? Some authority figure? (Yeah, right.) Or could it be that you’ve already grasped the point of this week’s lesson — sometimes it feels better to sacrifice what you have (or could have) just to give it to someone else. Give up something you want this week, and make sure someone who needs it gets it. The rumblings in your tummy won’t matter in the slightest — even the faintest whispered “thank you” will be able to drown them out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You know why you have to be a leader this week? Because you’re in a position to be one. Maybe it’s because you know things others don’t, or simply because you can see the situation from a wider perspective. Perhaps it’s just because they want or need you to take control. It might just be because you can do a good job and you know it (even if some don’t). Whatever the reason, please don’t deny the obvious role you’re to take in all the things happening around you. When the reins are presented (or otherwise available) to you, please grab them.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re sometimes a bit like Frankenstein’s monster: made up of dozens of assorted pieces that don’t necessarily cooperate well with each other—in fact many of them compete and conflict, rebel and resist. While this may be conceptually fascinating, it’s exhausting in practice. You’re constantly wondering how to get all your different parts to start pulling in the same direction, so you can get on with your life, instead of regularly sabotaging your own efforts. The whole answer to this question will require many years to discover, but a juicy helpful clue, at least, should present itself this week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

One of these things is not like the others; one of these things does not belong … Most of the stuff you’re doing is helping you become a better person or proceed towards your dreams. The other activity (or three) you’re engaging in isn’t exactly bad, it’s just not adding anything especially to your life, big-picture-wise. This week, take notice of which of your pursuits aren’t truly part of the master plan. There’s no need to completely eliminate them (at least not yet), but once you see how much time they’re taking away from what really counts, you might want to cut down.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Being stalked is only fun in theory. Drop your secret fantasy about it; that oversized ego will get you in trouble this week, otherwise. Remember that any time a lover has displayed the slightest clinginess, you’ve run for the hills. Even worshipful adoration got tiresome, didn’t it? This week you’re due to receive the kind of attention that could easily explode into something more extreme, if you let your perverse ego have its way. Don’t encourage your potential admirer(s), despite the temptation. Nip this one now, or it’ll come back to bite you, hard, and sooner than you think.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

An ambigram is a word that can be read in more than one way — for instance it can say one thing when simply read, and another when reflected in a mirror, or flipped upside-down. It’s kind of gimmicky, I know, but it nevertheless reminds me of you — how you can appear to be your own polar opposite depending on when and where someone is looking at you. Bear this in mind when someone reacts to you this week in a totally unexpected way — it’s probably more a reflection of where they’re coming from and how they’re seeing you than anything real about you. However, practice patience and compassion, instead of dismissing them out of hand. If you can talk them around to seeing something like the “real” you (whoever that is), you’ll be deeply thankful you bothered.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Here’s to your glamour and flair, Libra. Whatever you do, from the noble to the ignoble, you do with style. This is why some of you end up manifesting a world more superficial than substantial; the people around you are so dazzled by your methods that they don’t notice the (lack of) content beneath. Although they may not care, I know you do. If you haven’t exactly been living up to your own private standards, this week is a good time to remedy that. Most of those around you may not be any more or less impressed when your actions and intentions shift from selfish to altruistic, but I guarantee, it’ll make a difference to you. And your shine? That can only get brighter as you feel better.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’m sure you’ve noticed how our world is becoming less and less free. How small will the boxes we’re forced to live inside become before we find them unendurable? And will we then be too weak to actually break free? Please recognize that when even you — who can find ways to flourish in the most limiting circumstances — feel cramped and anxious by the strictures that bind you, the rest of us are really in trouble. Can you help yourself (and us) break out? There’s no time to waste. This week, please devote your considerable resourcefulness and energy towards finding ways to protect and expand what freedoms we still have.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Most everyone ties their shoelaces basically the same way, but why? There are actually many knot variations that are faster to tie, more secure, or both. It’s one of those things we almost never think about or question. Would our lives change much if we did? Probably not. But you never know. What I do know is that there are at least two other things you do on automatic, without wondering if there’s a “better” (More efficient? More happiness-inducing?) way. If you can identify them, and switch over to some improved method, your life would change, in at least eleven good (if not mind-blowing or earth-shattering) ways. If that’s not a good ratio of effort to result, I don’t know what is.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Over a decade ago, Kyle MacDonald (oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com) started with one red paperclip on offer. He traded that for a wooden fish pen, then a handmade doorknob, then a Coleman stove. He continued “trading up” from there, and a year later, after 14 trades, ended up with a house. Granted he made “something” out of “nothing” mostly because people were charmed by the idea and kindly helping him out. But you could do something similar (if on a smaller, less grand scale) this week, if you were but to try.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

When planning your next move, don’t be too ambitious. I know jumping into deep water has worked for you before, but it’s just not a good idea this time. The water’s likely to be so cold that you’ll be climbing out again before you’ve even had time to think, and after your chilling experience, you’ll be that much more reluctant to try again. I suggest the torturous but manageable strategy of wading in a few inches at a time. It’ll take ages to get to where you want to be, and it won’t be a pleasant process, but at least you’ll actually get there, eventually.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You could live happily on an island by yourself, if you had to. The trick is, you’d have to have no chance of escape or rescue. In that case, you’d adapt and even thrive. But possessing even a glimmer of hope might poison the whole thing — instead of making the best of things, and learning to enjoy what you can in the situation, you’d obsess over the (unlikely) way out of it. Can you see how having options can occasionally be bad for you? Please, when presented with some this week, do your best to pretend they don’t exist. I promise, you’ll almost certainly be happier for it.

Aries

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/web1_aries-4.jpgAries Times Leader file photo

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re good at lots of things, but gardening’s generally a no-no. Most Rams simply don’t have green thumbs. It’s not that you don’t like taking care of others; it’s just that it works best if they actively remind you when they need some of your TLC. Plants are quite simply not loud enough. Nor, probably, is the newest candidate applying for a lion’s share of your attention and affection. Keep that in mind before you promise it to them. Will you really be able to keep this one thriving without the kind of cues you’re used to? If you’re not sure, please consider which is kinder: giving them a taste, then letting them slowly starve, or simply depriving them altogether and walking away.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Read between the lines. There are holes there, chinks in the armor of those who oppose you. Perhaps their secret inclinations are more in line with yours, or they have qualms about the methods being used to forward their agendas. In any case, there’s something there you can use to get what you want; it’s just a matter of being clever and observant and patient while you figure out what it is. Bide your time, Taurus. What looks like an impossibly impenetrable impediment is actually quite vulnerable — wait for your opening to present itself. Then don’t hesitate. Just dive through.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The first time I met one of my best friends in high school, he was wearing a giant strawberry costume, with more glee than self-consciousness. It was, honestly, ridiculous as well as incredibly crush-inducing, the way he bounced around in green tights grinning ear-to-ear. I’m quite sure he volunteered for this potentially embarrassing scenario, while you weren’t exactly clamoring to take part in the one you face this week. But you could try the same tact he employed: having as much fun with it as possible. You may find, if you enjoy yourself enough, that you’re much more likely to attract admiration than scorn.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Go ahead. Devour great slabs of chocolate cake for breakfast this week. Pause the hunt for that great deep love and just have dirty, hot sex. Indulge your most extreme desires, as this week’s astrological influences are goading you to do anyway, because resisting them is virtually pointless; it certainly won’t get you what you want, in the short or long term. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go there and explore those hedonistic extremes, even if they don’t seem to fit in with your ultimate master plan. Don’t dig in your heels, Cancer. What’s the big deal, anyway? Indulging your most carnal and riotous desires isn’t torture. It’s fun.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Watch out for those strawberry daiquiris. Margarita? Say no thanks. Stay away from the stuff you can drink without exactly cringing, because if it’s too easy to get shit-faced this week, you’ll simply be drunk a bit too often. You’ll end up saying and doing things you’ll regret, and while that’s not exactly the end of the world, it certainly doesn’t set you up all that well for the kind of productive period you’ve been hoping to have the next few months. Stick to something else that tastes horrible when getting your drink on at the moment. You’ll have slightly less fun, but a million fewer regrets.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You can’t avoid your own life forever, no matter how busy you make yourself. Eventually you’ll have to face the problems or people you don’t have answers for. The excuse, “I’ve been too busy to even think about it,” while honest, won’t cut it for long. I don’t like to see you driven to these extremes by avoidance. Instead let lust, ambition, purpose, and zeal drive you; that means shaking this particular unresolved monkey off your back. I want you to stop and have a think and figure out an answer — any answer — so you can quit running from your quandary and get back to your inhuman schedule because you love it, not because you have “no choice.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some guys have wanted into their crappy-ass college fraternity so bad that they’ve died trying. Naturally, these were accidents, but if the hazing rituals they had to endure weren’t so extremely harrowing, they’d never have been at risk in the first place. Where will your desire lead you, and is it proportionate to the danger or hardship you’ll face in its pursuit? Or is the end result as lame as getting to wear some Greek letters and do the same shit to the next generation of pledges when they want in? This week, make sure your goals are worthy of you and not out of proportion to the misery and risk you’ll have to endure to achieve them.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The problem with being so passionate is that you can get carried away. “But isn’t that the whole point?” you ask. Well, yes and no. Sometimes it’s good to let your feelings go over the top, but at other times — like right now — that’s actually keeping you from having the best experience you could. Don’t let this week’s little frustrations make you all inflamed and ridiculous, because when viewed with the least bit of perspective they’ll look incredibly tiny and petty, and you’ll look like the biggest drama queen around. Keep your passions in check. When it’s appropriate to let them loose and burn the city down, you’ll know, without a shadow of a doubt.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If you accidentally show up for a costume party a day early, don’t wither away in embarrassment. Own it. Make it a happy accident. Find somewhere else to wear your costume to, and use the experience as a dress rehearsal — thus a chance to step up your game when the real thing comes around. Naturally, I’m not really talking about anything as prosaic as an actual costume party; adapt the idea to something really happening in your life. Make the accidental trial run more fun than the actual event would have been, then make the real thing even better. You can, so why the hell not?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If I could write your horoscope in white ink, I’d consider it this week, since it would reflect exactly how invisible you’re feeling at the moment. It’s hard not to feel overlooked when your friends go out together without you, or your coworkers get recognition you deserve, or cute strangers blank you instead of flirting with you. What are you doing wrong? Nothing, really — mostly this is the universe’s way of asking you to step up your game. What’s that mean, exactly? Be more proactive. Make yourself unignorable. Don’t have the cojones? Fine, fade into the wallpaper. We’ll see you when we see you, then.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarians have powerful and useful imaginations, but they rarely get out of control. Some of us spend our childhoods fleeing from monsters under the bed, and live our adult lives in the shadow of creatures just as illusory. But these are things you’ve rarely, if ever, done. You can let your imagination vault tremendous distances, but only with your rational intellect holding the reins. What would you say, though, if I told you that a vast territory of possibility lies outside of what you’ve so far seen? Terrors lurk there — but so do wonders. You’ll only get there if you let your imagination run wild and out of control. Curiosity piqued? Good.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes your passion doesn’t show. I think this is because of your general tendency to see both sides of every situation; what’s actually open-minded (and intense) curiosity can come off as total apathy. It’s not that you can’t muster an opinion; it’s that you have too many, and they’re not necessarily all in sync with each other. Over the years, you’ve learned to keep these contradictions to yourself, since they tend to freak many people out. This week, however, I say let them spill. They may confuse or confound a few, but they’ll let the important ones know that you’re not without care — you’re actually more involved than they could ever imagine. They may not fully grasp the distinction, but it’ll make a difference to them, nonetheless.

Aries

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/web1_aries-5.jpgAries Times Leader file photo