Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your perception of time is dramatically different from almost everyone else’s. Perhaps you’re not aware that its passage is more fluid, malleable, and dynamic for you than for other people. We don’t view it quite that flexibly, even if we wish we could. Half a year, to you, could be a blip or an eternity—or, paradoxically, both—whereas for your friends and neighbors it usually just feels like about six months. Be sensitive to this difference. I think you’re a lot closer to the truth—that time is all about how we experience it. But some of those you know aren’t quite up to that level. Luckily, you have the ability to transform someone’s eon into an hour, or to help someone slow down and enjoy a few short, precious moments this week. Please use it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

What you’re doing now—for whatever reason—is like taking a polite, dainty sip when you’re practically dying of dehydration. Slake your thirst. No one’s stopping you, except yourself, and for no good reason. There’s plenty more of whatever it is you need. Don’t let frugality, modesty, or prudence keep you from getting the stuff you desire. Anyone else who might have a say in the matter is giving you the green light, so that’s not a factor. Drop whatever it is that’s holding you back from helping yourself, and do just that: Help yourself, generously.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If I were you, I’d spend the whole week in bed. It’s not that anything particularly bad will happen to you out in the real world, just nothing nearly as good as what can happen between the sheets. I wish this was about getting laid, but it’s more about getting broadband access to your subconscious, and retrieving the backlog of messages stored there: Dream. Catch up on lost sleep and then some this week. Put in some good REM time. If you do, when you eventually emerge from your hibernation next week, I expect you to be a different—and, hopefully, more insightful—person.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It’s simply a trick of perspective. You know, like the low-tech effects in Lord of the Rings? They spaced out actors and objects in such a way that little things appeared big, or vice versa. What you’ve actually got in front of you is one relatively tiny problem or concern, and one much more important one, only you’ve been giving them equal weight in your head, because they look about the same to you. Not so. It’s a metaphorical trompe l’oeuil. Get some perspective—a viewpoint that’s radically different from your current one. Figure out what’s really important and what’s just petty bullshit, so you can give each matter its proper due.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Four year-olds are a blast to be around. Their worlds are relatively simple. In other words, when things go wrong for a preschooler, it’s usually pretty easy to make everything okay. You remind me of them, a little, lately—only not so uncomplicated. There’s a part of you seeking someone who can make your world okay, who you imagine can effortlessly smooth your problems away because they’re richer, smarter, bigger, or wiser than you. Unfortunately, that person is mythological; they don’t exist. As long as you keep hoping and expecting that your lover (or potential lover) will fill that role for you—or implode trying—you’ll never be satisfied, and neither of you will be happy. It’s an unreasonable expectation. Let it go.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

This week I wave in your direction the weary cliché: If you don’t learn from your history, you’re doomed to repeat it. Maybe you need to, sadly. But I think there’s a chance you could actually skip reviewing this lesson. Yes, this scenario—that looks shockingly similar to one you experienced a few years back—is actually that same exact thing. You’ve been deluding yourself that this time might be different. It won’t. Stop telling yourself fairy tales, no matter how enchanting they are. Or, if you absolutely insist, go through it again. It’s your choice.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re about to enter the ring against the most brutal, vicious, and grotesquely large opponent you’ve ever faced. What’s more, you’re blindfolded, hobbled, and naked—whereas he’s wearing armor and relatively unencumbered. Wishing you luck on this foolhardy venture would just be mean. However, I’m happy to report that you don’t need it. Every giant has his Achilles’ Heel, and you know exactly where this one’s is. Just be careful: Don’t fall into the trap of trying to play the same game he is. You’d just plain lose. Stick to your strategy, don’t pull any punches, get in and out quick. If it’s over before you know it, you’ll have one. If you give yourself time to think, you’re screwed.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The curse of your innate facility for multiple perspectives is that one of them is invariably negative and depressing. When viewed through this particular filter, your reflection can disgust you. What’s especially messed-up is that the world is all too willing to validate this internal naysayer by agreeing: “Yeah, you do suck!” It’s tricky, but you have to learn to ignore the “evidence.” Nothing’s that simple and black and white. You’re neither saint nor demon, but somewhere in between. Your inner critic will have an especially loud mouth this week. Don’t engage with that shit by agreeing or disagreeing. It’s a little right and a little wrong, and not at all worth listening to.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Did you notice? I managed to skip my traditional Valentine’s Day bashing last week. Like most people, I despise that holiday, even when I’m happily ensconced in couplehood. It’s so lame and artificial and obviously designed to get people to spend money on useless, ridiculous crap. Hopefully you didn’t succumb to it—or hate yourself too much if you did. Anyway, there are more layers of artificiality for you to pierce, conquer, destroy, especially this week. Tear through all the crepe paper and sugary coatings and get to the meaty juicy messy stuff underneath. That’s where the real fun lies, not in heart-shaped boxes of bonbons.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Hold onto your horses, people, because they’re trying their damndest to escape. This a good week for tight reins and short leashes; many of the elements of your life that you count on are eager to bolt in all directions. Don’t let this happen. Cooler heads must prevail, and for once that means you. In other words, you need to keep your shit together even while everyone else is falling apart and panicking. If you don’t, no one will (and then we’re all screwed). I know it’s not your typical role, you wild thing, but I still think you’re the one for the job. Prove me right.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Set up some surprises for yourself. For months now, you’ve been chronically underestimating one or two important people in your life. Or perhaps it’s not that your evaluations were incorrect, it’s just they were only mostly correct. In other words, your were probably right in guessing that they’d have said “no” to some of your pressing questions or suggestions back whenever you first conceived them. But that’s not necessarily so now. People do change. An eager “yes” is lurking behind more than one pair of lips, just waiting for a second chance. Be sure to provide it: ask again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Be a surfer this week. You don’t just ride one wave and call it a day. You surf it as far as it’ll take you, then paddle back out, gamely seeking the next promising swell. What you’ve been doing lately is akin to giving up because the experience wasn’t perfect; it’s like falling off the wave, and instead of setting yourself up for more, drifting aimlessly, cursing your fate, and eying the distant shore with bitter longing. So things didn’t work out how you (unrealistically) expected. Get back out there. Until you do, you’re missing out on some good times. When the next perfect breaker surges by, make sure you’re ready to hop on.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston arrive at the 87th Annual Academy Awards on Sunday, Feb. 22, 2015, at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood. (Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times/TNS)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/web1_ENTER_MOVIE-OSCARS_127_LA.jpgJohn Travolta and Kelly Preston arrive at the 87th Annual Academy Awards on Sunday, Feb. 22, 2015, at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood. (Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times/TNS)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When you fail, it’s not always because you’ve simply been outplayed. Sometimes you’ve managed to thwart yourself. There’s usually a good reason for this kind of self-sabotage. When you trip over your own feet, it might be because some wise part of you knows you’re better off not winning that particular race. When you “accidentally” screw yourself over this week, remember that. Don’t waste time berating yourself for what you’d usually deem a preventable and stupid mistake. Instead, consider your loss a blessing in disguise, and start looking for the reasons why that might be so. They’re there.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Control your temper this week. This may be way, way harder than it ought to be, because, remember: the last time you slammed your fist through a wall, you found an ancient cash-stash hidden behind the plaster. Talk about validation. It was like the universe handed you a big fat reward for blowing your top. Not this week, though. Lady Luck is a capricious bitch, and she’s liable to take away more than she gave last time, if you give her an opening. In other words, the next wall you punch will probably be concrete, and the medical bills for your broken hand will outstrip ten hidden treasures.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Welcome to zero gravity. Your time in the metaphorical space station will be brief but harrowing; nothing’s nailed down right now. All the pieces of your life are floating willy-nilly in all directions. Please don’t attempt to organize them or otherwise pin them down, however. This will only create greater chaos. Practice serenity, instead. Be unpanicked and deliberate. Sudden movements (physical or emotional) should be avoided until next week, when normal gravity will begin to gradually reassert itself. Do not rush this process. Hint: If you wait until it’s completely over before you attempt to clean up the mess created during this time, you might not have to do it alone.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Fold. Withdraw all bets. You’re just not the least bit lucky right now. If I were you, I’d leave as little to chance as possible at the moment. There are times to gamble—even cautious, ambitious plodders like you know that—and this is definitely not one of them. Believe me, I despise giving advice like this: play it safe. But sometimes it’s just plain unavoidable. I’d be irresponsible if I urged you to play in traffic right now; you’d get nailed the second you stepped off the curb. Just take it easy, politely refuse risky ventures, and bide your time. Good fortune will come. Just not this week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Why don’t you try just dropping your guard? Extend some trust—without a safety net. I’m not going to guarantee you won’t fall, and we both know if you take a tumble now you will break some bones. Swallow that and digest it, please, then take on this: There is no more safety net. There’ll never be one again. So, really, there’s no better time to take a leap, knowing full well it might snap your legs. Accept that, because it won’t change—except that you’ll get even more brittle (and less willing to gamble). Risks are part of life. If you won’t take one now, why would you take one later? And if you won’t take one later, why bother living?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve entered a scary new chapter, one that’ll encompass more than half of the year to come. I understand your apprehension; there’s absolutely no way to anticipate what’ll happen to you during this time. It’s like a long, tortuous, dim tunnel, deep underground, which could as easily be filled with benevolent gnomes and treasure, or ravenous beasts and precipitous plunges. You’ll never know which, pre-exploration. That’s the rough news (which you already knew). Luckily, you’ve got a very clear idea of what could await you at the end of the tunnel: the light of your next chapter is bright and inspiring. Be faithful to that. Keep its images firmly in mind and you simply can’t be derailed by the pleasures or pitfalls of this chapter. Now, if that’s not good news, I don’t know what is.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re not trapped. Sure, your movements are a bit encumbered, but you’ve still got choices. Hopefully, it’s a relief to find that you haven’t passed the point of no return—you thought it was that intersection you crossed a while back. However, that dread No Turning Back sign is looming up ahead. The last final warning you got turned out to be a false alarm (Lucky for you, since you missed your chance to get out at that time). This one is no fire drill, though. Get out or buckle in for the ride. Escape before next week or you’re on this one until the thing stops on its own.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Omens and portents aren’t usually your style, but I suggest you make an exception this week. The universe is striving to impart some feedback about your recent choices, and unfortunately, whatever higher powers there are prefer (at least at the moment) to use methods that are highly subject to interpretation (In other words, no phone call with a voice at the other end saying, “Good job!” or “You screwed up!”). Luckily, deciphering these clues shouldn’t be too hard, provided you’re receptive to them; it’ll be pretty obvious, once you’re looking, to see when you’re delivered validation or a warning, and what you ought to do next. Then, do it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The problem with children that spring full-grown from your forehead is that more than half the time they want to kick your ass, or kill you. Keep this in mind when you’re tempted to send your fledglings out into the world prematurely this week. That’d be a huge mistake. They’re not ready to leave the nest. I know the place is crowded and you’re exhausted. Nevertheless, persist a little longer. Your creations will benefit from the extra care. In return, they won’t come back to haunt you (or screw you over). It’s a fair trade, believe me.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I hope the edge of your seat’s comfortable, because that’s where you’ll be, when you get to sit at all. Don’t feel too bad about the fact that you’ll mostly be racing around like a decapitated chicken, though; there’s no way you could have prepared better than you have. You simply had to wait for certain pieces to fall into place and you couldn’t reasonably act until they did. Well, now they have, and you’re not going to have time for much else. So what? It’s bound to be exciting, interesting, and, on some level, satisfying. At least you’re good at it. So don’t stress; shine, instead.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Prepare to face disappointment early this week when your latest get-rich-quick (or, for the more cautious among you, your latest get-rich-slow) scheme is proven—quite dramatically—unfeasible. It’s a clunker. You should have known, however, that it wouldn’t be as easy as that. Don’t try to salvage this one. The bad outweighs the good; it’ll drag you down before you save any piece of it. Just let it go as deadweight and concentrate instead on what is going well for you (even if it’s not earning you money): your love/sex life. A window opens this week for you to either start an affair with someone who’s radically different from you, or to spark up your current relationship’s routine with some weird and exciting new shit. Go there, and leave your failed enterprise forgotten in the dust.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

If you could see dead people, I’d hope that you wouldn’t be a victim about it. Instead of considering yourself horribly haunted, you might regard yourself as immensely popular, instead. Sure, your guests are creepy and disgusting, but they’re also privy to wisdom and knowledge that you could make use of. It might even make you rich, if you worked it right. This week, please turn whatever’s happening to you to your advantage, no matter how unpleasant (or pleasant), private, or seemingly negative it is. There’s a silver lining you can get to. All you have to do is look for it.

Jason Aldean performs to a packed house Thursday night at the Toyota Pavillion on Montage Mountain in Scranton.
Amanda Hrycyna|For Times Leader

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/web1_jason-aldean-4.jpgJason Aldean performs to a packed house Thursday night at the Toyota Pavillion on Montage Mountain in Scranton.
Amanda Hrycyna|For Times LeaderAmanda Hrycyna | For Weekender

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Bide your time. Life’s way more complex than a chess game, but bear with my analogy: Sometimes you just have to wait until all the pieces are in place before you make your move. If you “attack” early, you lose. Wait until next week; at that point you’ll have a better than even chance to accomplish whatever agenda you currently have in mind, be it seduction, career advancement, or revenge. What to do this week, then? Make sure everything’s as ready as it can be for when you launch your plan, and chill.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’ve probably heard that crappy joke about the guy stuck on his roof in a massive flood. A few rescue teams in boats and a helicopter arrive in succession to save him, but he says, “Nah, God will save me,” and ultimately drowns. In heaven he’s like, “What the hell, God?” and God says: “Hey, I sent two boats and a chopper, and you wouldn’t budge.” This week, please reverse your expectations about what salvation (of your career, your relationship, or simply your day) will look like, because they’re worse than useless: they’ll only keep you from recognizing the real thing when it comes along.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Eat right. Get your sleep. Some signs, like those oft-radiant Leos, can swing wildly between hot and dumpy depending on self-perception; for them, pure confidence can equal beauty. For Taureans, however: not so much. Sure, your attitude can affect how people perceive you, but chiefly, variance in your appearance comes from purely concrete matters; basically, how you’ve been taking care of yourself. Lately you haven’t been doing as good a job in this department as you could, and, unfortunately, it shows. Reverse the trend. Get on that treadmill, eat some salad, and give yourself a full eight hours a night. Who says you can’t go from homely to handsome overnight? You can.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Imagine what it’d be like if all the seasons shifted two months forward. The school year would begin in mid-summer, for example, and the leaves would change around Christmas-time, and we’d all be slightly psychologically screwed up by it. Nothing serious, I guess, but I mention it because of your recent timing issues. The universe hasn’t been providing you with clues you can understand. You’re not only having trouble with the big stuff, like when to propose marriage or buy a house, but the little mundane shit, like when to eat or sleep. Unfortunately, this strange signal-less limbo will continue for another few weeks, despite your best efforts. Until then, all you can do is try to get your eight hours and three squares, whatever random time you can, and hope for the best.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

What would you do if you learned, early on in a pregnancy, that your new baby would be born deformed? The doctor might present abortion as a possibility. Would you consider it? Or would you gladly sign on to the kind of devotion required by your new “special needs” child? Luckily, the stakes this week aren’t nearly so high, even if they occupy the same genre: something you’ve created (and which is about to be born) has been revealed to be very different—even quite compromised—compared to your original vision. Will you kill it now, so it’ll never be, or will you help it achieve its full potential nevertheless? It’s a rough decision, sweetheart. Good luck.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Keep things well-ventilated and cool this week. Your normally long fuse has just been clipped to a fraction of its usual length, and it’d be a shame if you blew your top over something little and stupid, just because you weren’t paying attention. Act as if you’re actually holding a delicate, vibration-triggered bomb under one arm: move slowly, talk softly, and when conflict rears its ugly head, quietly slip away before it can set the explosives off. You won’t have to tiptoe around your life for long; by this time next week, you should be able to put the thing down, make lots of noise, and fiercely engage in arguments, all without exploding.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Here’s a morbid theory: how we react to death in our dreams is how we’ll react to the real thing when it eventually comes. Who knows? But I do think that dreams can be good practice for other events in your life; how you handle things that scare you, anger, conflicts, and love affairs while asleep can have relevance to what happens when you wake up. You need this kind of practice. Anticipate future events (not necessarily anything so heavy as your own death), and daydream (or really dream, if you’re lucky) about them, so that when they come around for real, you’ll be prepared, not clueless.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Save your work. Every five minutes. This pertains not just to whatever’s on your computer, but in any situation where you could lose advances you’ve made—the universe is feeling mighty greedy lately, and apt to suck all your efforts towards entropy. Don’t give it a chance. Be vigilant. Be redundant. Make two copies of everything important. Do it now, because you won’t get any advance warning (other than this one). You’ll tap a key and it’ll just be gone, and nothing you can do will bring it back. Unless of course you’ve got a backup on hand; now, how good would that feel? Make it so.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Prepare for a metaphysical avalanche. It’ll mostly bury your (mental) house. These massive shifts of bedrock and rubble could be dangerous, but also lucrative. It depends on how prepared you are to dodge disasters and take advantage of opportunities. Yeah, some of your most familiar rooms and hallways will be completely covered by the wreckage; you won’t be able to use them for some time. But new or neglected sections of your home are likely to be exposed by the shifting debris. Spend some time exploring these, and discovering what you’ve gained, instead of lamenting what you’ve lost.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Less is more this week, baby. You probably shouldn’t text a stranger an X-rated picture of yourself in a misbegotten attempt at flirtation. It might get you the desired results (though that’s unlikely), and it’s certainly not that classy, or even remotely in line with what you’re about right now. Sometimes the crudest, most direct path is best, but not at the moment. There are better ways, more subtle routes. Even if they take ten times longer than the shortcut straight ahead, they’re still far superior: please find and choose one of them this week.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This week you give sensitive a new meaning. Please be careful: you won’t always be able to correctly anticipate your own reactions to familiar influences. A single cup of coffee could affect you like three (same goes for alcohol). A horror movie that you’d normally laugh at might have you on edge and jumping at shadows for days. A great screw could make you decide you’re in love. You’re unusually vulnerable to the things around you; it’s like the volume of the world is turned way up. Don’t don blinders and earplugs, though—it’s hot shit when things are this vivid and intense—and can be intensely enjoyable, when you know what you’re doing. Prove you do.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Stop pissing into the flames, Aquarius. You can’t put out this blaze by yourself. It’s valiant of you to try, but also foolhardy. Once things have gotten this extreme, they’re bigger than what any one person can stop or control on his own. You need help, lots of it, and fast. Shove aside any guilt or remorse about this crisis; whether or not you set these disastrous events into motion isn’t the point. Get the aid you require to quell or at least direct the mighty forces you may have helped unleash, now, before someone gets hurt.

FILE – In this Jan. 30, 2016 file photo, Laura Prepon, center, and the cast and crew of "Orange is the New Black" accept the award for outstanding ensemble in a comedy series at the 22nd annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at the Shrine Auditorium & Expo Hall in Los Angeles. In one of the exhaustive and damning reports on diversity in Hollywood, a new study finds that the films and television produced by major media companies are whitewashed, and that an epidemic of invisibility runs top to bottom through the industry for women, minorities and LGBT people. A study to be released Monday, Feb. 22, 2016, by the Media, Diversity and Social Change Initiative at the University of Southern Californias Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism offers one of the most wide-ranging examinations of the film and television industries, including a pointed inclusivity index of 10 major media companies – from Disney to Netflix – that gives a failing grade to every movie studio and most TV makers. (Photo by Vince Bucci/Invision/AP, File)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/web1_preponmug.jpgFILE – In this Jan. 30, 2016 file photo, Laura Prepon, center, and the cast and crew of "Orange is the New Black" accept the award for outstanding ensemble in a comedy series at the 22nd annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at the Shrine Auditorium & Expo Hall in Los Angeles. In one of the exhaustive and damning reports on diversity in Hollywood, a new study finds that the films and television produced by major media companies are whitewashed, and that an epidemic of invisibility runs top to bottom through the industry for women, minorities and LGBT people. A study to be released Monday, Feb. 22, 2016, by the Media, Diversity and Social Change Initiative at the University of Southern Californias Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism offers one of the most wide-ranging examinations of the film and television industries, including a pointed inclusivity index of 10 major media companies – from Disney to Netflix – that gives a failing grade to every movie studio and most TV makers. (Photo by Vince Bucci/Invision/AP, File)AP photo

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Being a Pisces—the mysterious chameleon of the zodiac—can be bewildering, I know. You’re so multitalented, but those abilities aren’t necessarily very consistent. Sometimes something’s incredibly easy for you—as simple as drawing breath—and then the same exact thing can be horribly difficult the next time you try it. It’s very hard to predict what’ll work when. That’s where I come in. This week’s advice? Be a social butterfly. Flirtation’s your current most-active superpower. Don’t waste time with solemn solo contemplation; other people, that’s where it’s at. See where your natural charm will take you; I’m wagering it’s pretty far.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Accept every invitation you get this week, and crash at least one party. It would be a shame to waste the pheromones you’re putting out. You’re radiating some kind of subtle subconscious signal for people to love you, to make deals with you, or to screw you (and not screw you over). Why ever would you waste this kind of influence by staying home alone? Make your beauty (whatever form it takes) work for you, because it can this week. It’s a goddamn indefatigable Clydesdale. The only limit to how far you can take it is how far you’re willing to go.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Say it. Say it: “I love you.” Yeah, sure, you’ve said it before, but you haven’t said it often enough lately. Expressing your feelings is important this week. Don’t be stingy about it, regardless of the issues and complexities currently surrounding your relationship. I don’t care if it’s always you who has to open the doors when they get shut (whether by accident or on purpose). That may simply be your role here. These things are never perfectly balanced, or they balance in ways that aren’t quite so linear and obvious. So just say it, already. Things will feel a thousand times better once you do.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Things ought to be pretty good this week. Not fantastic, or mind-blowing, but “excellent” might be an appropriate description. Remember to notice! This winter’s had you focusing an awful lot on the negative aspects of what’s going on, despite your innate natural optimism, so much so that you’ve developed a bad habit of not noticing when things are going more or less okay: you’re healthy, content, something didn’t go wrong that could have, etc. Just pay attention. In the grand scheme, you may not even remember this week in a few years, because nothing incredibly significant is likely to happen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t truly enjoy it now. Please try.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

No one’s actually dragging their feet. It may feel that way, but resist jumping to that conclusion while you endure this week’s frequent and irksome delays. Those you’re communicating with may seem reluctant to help you or give you answers, but that’s only because you don’t know what’s really going on at their end. Things are just taking longer than usual. It’s not ill will you’re dealing with, it’s more something akin to metaphysical molasses. Be patient throughout the week, before you say or do something you’ll be embarrassed by later. Give folks the benefit of the doubt. They will slog through the astrological resistance and get back to you… eventually.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The door you opened (or project you began) about two weeks ago is about to come to the attention of the people you tried (consciously or unconsciously) to hide it from. Things could go either way, now: they might choose to stomp your efforts into mush, or they could help you finish what you started. Three factors influence their decision, two of which you have no control over: the nature of the path or project, and their individual characters. Therefore, concentrate on the third: how you present what you’re up to. This could make all the difference; these folks are either buying it, or destroying it. So don’t let your actions simply speak for themselves. Open your mouth and sell them, hard.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re a bee who has fallen asleep in a flower. You worked your butt off to find the biggest, juiciest, most beautiful bloom in the garden, then you took a roll in the pollen and passed out, somehow forgetting that there’s this whole second half to your job. Wake up! There are two good reasons for properly completing the task you set out to do: 1. You’ve already done the hard part; you know what comes next, and even though it’s a lot of busy work, none of it is especially difficult (and there’s honey at the end of the day). 2. The lawnmower’s coming.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Being torn is an awfully familiar state for you poor Librans, isn’t it? I can’t remember the last time you weren’t of two minds about something. But nevertheless, this week’s internal dilemma will probably feel fairly unfamiliar and new: negotiating the conflict between your needs and the needs of your friends, lover(s), and family. You might even resent them for even having desires, now that it seems like helping them out means neglecting your own. That’s totally understandable, but resist it anyway. Try to remember that what’s good for those you love is good for you—really and directly, not just in some New Age karmic kind of way. Yep, I’m helping you decide. Give your sweethearts a hand, at your own expense if necessary. Trust me: they need you more than you need you, at the moment.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How powerful are you? Sometimes you hide from yourself the degree of influence, control, and sheer bloody might that you wield. Maybe it frightens or discomfits you. It certainly scares the shit out of some of the people who know you. However, you of all people should know that refusing to “know thyself” is a bad choice, especially for those as potentially dangerous as you can be. This week, become aware of the different kinds, and degrees, of power that you possess and use, because you may soon have to choose which tools (or “weapons”) you’ll put down, and which new ones you’ll pick up; a decision that should be easy—provided you know exactly which ones you already have.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The things we do for love. Okay, this week someone you love is asking you to do some pretty weird shit, or at least stuff that’s totally out of character for you—like behaving. But of course, though, pleasing other people is in character for you, even if it means doing things you’d never consider on your own. Please don’t resent the one you adore for making such strange or annoying requests—everybody knows just how much they do for you, without you even asking. Just indulge those odd moods and whims; it won’t kill you, and (once again) proving your love and devotion is by no means a bad thing.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Like a massive five-mile train slowly lurching into forward motion, so are your plans. Even though you started stoking the engines ages ago, you’d begun to despair about the lack of movement, and wonder if you’d just burnt gallons of fuel in vain. Actually, you simply had tons of inertia to overcome. This week you should see the slow beginnings of some real progress. Be patient. It takes a while for big trains and big plans to pick up momentum. Luckily, there are almost no station-stops between here and your destination. Once you get up to speed, you’ll close the distance faster than sound.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What happened over the winter that you still haven’t dealt with? Your relationship(s) have been more or less screwed because of it, but you still haven’t addressed the issue because it’s never felt like the “right time.” To hell with that. While you’ve waited, the real feelings surrounding the shit that went down have begun to fade and warp, replaced by twisted, tangled stuff that comes from your head, not your heart. This shit is a lot harder to straighten out and resolve. Stop the trend. Get to work on the messy knots that have already formed, this week, regardless of what else is going on.

Golden State’s Stephen Curry hit a game-winning 3-pointer against Oklahoma City.
Warriors photo

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/web1_curry.jpgGolden State’s Stephen Curry hit a game-winning 3-pointer against Oklahoma City.
Warriors photo

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don’t be a rebel this week. You’ll just get squashed. Please, we need your powerful resistance to authority—that’s why choosing when you’ll oppose it and when you’ll abide by it is crucial. This week, some petty little bureaucrat’s likely to try to thwart you. You know you could knock this loser on their ass, but I’d advise you not to, galling as it may be to simply heed their tiny, ridiculous tyranny. Why? This petty authoritarian is just an unimaginative, buzzing little bee, easily swatted. But guess what? Anger them and the second they get a chance, they’ll fetch the entire hive, and you’ll, quite simply, be screwed.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Romance is in the air this week. Sure, it’s mostly of the cliché variety: long walks on the beach, gorgeous sunsets, red wine picnics, that sort of thing. But so what? Part of you loves that shit, admit it. Go ahead and indulge yourself—even if you’re by yourself. It’s what right, for the moment: taking simple pleasure in your existence. It doesn’t have to be outrageously original—what is, anyway? Just enjoy the sweet moments available to you right now—with whomever is able to revel in them with you, or alone, if no one’s nearby who’d get it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Focus on action, not dialogue. Words will just mess you up. Avoid them, please, as much as humanly possible. If you could go the whole week without uttering a single syllable, that’d be ideal. Chatting, gossip, monologuing: all currently taboo activities. However, your silver tongue still needs exercise, so have it wrestle another, instead of wrapping itself around complex ideas. That’s right. My advice this week: say it with a kiss. Don’t stop there, either. Be as physical as you dare. The more you stay in your body and out of your head, the happier, healthier, and hotter you’ll be.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Heal the rift. You know what I’m talking about: the crack that’s fractured your most important relationship(s). You have the power this week to patch it up, but you have to find it and (gently) explore exactly how wide and deep it is before you can do a proper repair job. You also need to accept that things will never be as they once were, never so seamless and perfect. The damage has been done. But even though it’s not in your power to hide the fracture completely, you’re perfectly capable of another minor (and, I think, better) miracle: making the whole, while less “flawless,” innately stronger and more crack resistant than before.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re surrounded by fakes. I don’t want to make you paranoid; believe me, you attract your fair share of genuinely sincere people as well. But this week it’s both tricky and crucial to figure out which is which. Suspect flattery. No matter how much you may deserve the compliments, they’re almost certainly fueled by some ulterior motive. Charm is a tool, and it can be quite effective when it comes to manipulating you, when you’re not on your guard. I don’t want to make you immune to the goodwill of others, however, so don’t let this week’s necessities become next week’s bad habits. Just turn up the scrutiny temporarily. Later, go back to taking people’s words at face value—life’s better that way.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Beware of binging. Your abundance of restless energy is usually an asset, but only because you’re generally so good at directing it towards constructive endeavors. But when your willpower flags or you get distracted, as is likely this week, you might find yourself exhibiting some nasty compulsive behavior that could leave you feeling pretty bloated and shitty for days or weeks. Please forget being as productive as usual this week. Concentrate instead on keeping what you do get up to in the realm of low-impact. For example, too much bad daytime TV is easier to recover from than too much cocaine.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Be wary of self-belief. Confidence is good, but remember, you live in the realm of the possible. Don’t be tempted by the land of delusion just beyond its borders. Those boundaries are murky at best, partly because you’re so damn capable: you’ve already proven that things other people believe impossible are well within your reach. However, that self-assurance can only take you so far: I’ve never met anyone who could fly just because they believed they could with all their heart. You’re still subject to laws and limitations—just not that many of them. Recognize and acknowledge where and what those unbreakable rules are this week. Start with basic physics and explore from there.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Come out of there, already. While it’s not totally out of character for you to imitate your namesake and crawl under a rock to hide and gather your strength, this isn’t the ideal time to do it. Yeah, you’re not at your best. You could use some restoration. But you’ve got to be alert to the rhythms of what’s going on around you. Now is when potential prey (not necessarily food—it could be an opportunity, a lay, or just a beautiful moment waiting to be seized) is out and about. If you take this time to withdraw and nap, there won’t be anything or anyone left when you come out to play. Have fun now. Rest later.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Go the extra mile. I mean this quite literally. Taking that next, unlooked-for step or making that surprising additional bit of effort will almost definitely pay off this week. Make the meeting in person instead of over the phone or internet, even if it’s quite inconvenient for you. Bend over backwards. Do what’s necessary to demonstrate your incredible level of commitment and motivation. You’re the best person for the job (whatever the job is), but that may not be particularly obvious at first glance. A demonstration is in order. You’re capable of blowing your competition out of the water when you’re on top of your game. It’s either first place or no place; you know what you’ve got to do.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Concentrate on just having fun. Next week’s events may have you feeling frazzled. There’s plenty of pressure to make a fresh start, and next week’s the best time to put your Clean Slate Plan into action. But don’t stress out or worry! That’s the worst thing you could do. How do you expect your new beginning to work when its genesis is anxiety? Whether it’s a relationship, long-term project, or attitude that you want to reset, it would benefit the most from just one thing: you having fun. It’s as simple as that. Choose the new path that will make you laugh. The rest will fall, quite naturally, into place.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your head’s spinning so fast someone might call in an exorcist. Just don’t start penetrating yourself with a cross or vomiting pea soup, because for someone to put a stop to all this excitement—out of worry that it’s bad for you—would be a damn shame. This is good (albeit crazy) shit you’ve got going on right now. You’re probably a bit too shell-shocked to really realize that. But once things have settled down slightly, you’ll look back on this week and notice that you got more than your fair share of lucky breaks. For now, just ride the insanity and trust me: You’re having a blast.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your dreams and intuition are rife with truth and delusion. Trying to figure out when they’re insightful and when they’re full of shit can be tricky. This week, however, it ought to be astonishingly simple, because there’s no reason not to simply ask those your gut feelings concern. No one will look at your funny, or be offended, or freak out. Most will be appreciative, especially because once you know what’s really up, you’ll also know exactly what you’re supposed to do. A directed Pisces is an inspiring thing; everyone wants a piece of that action. Believe me, answering an odd or embarrassing question is a price anyone would pay to kick you into high gear.

Peyton Manning

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/web1_manning.jpgPeyton Manning

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Screw modesty, selflessness, and moderation. Yeah, that’s right. I know. I can’t believe I’m telling you this, either. Advising an Aries to throw all restraint to the winds is dangerous! Nevertheless, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting, especially when it comes to expressing your (perhaps belated) birthday wishes. You’re (astonishingly) likely to aim too low. You’ve got a gargantuan metaphorical credit limit with friends, family, and coworkers right now, no money down, no interest. Don’t waste it by asking for lollipops and stickers. You’re not a kid anymore; you need some bigger (and yes, more expensive) toys.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re not usually obsessive, but you walk the line sometimes. Let’s just say that you’re incredibly persistent and consistent. These are often good qualities, but I bet you can name two areas where manifesting them isn’t exactly healthy or positive. You can see where I’m headed, can’t you? (We’ll add astute to your list of good traits.) This week, make a few minor but significant changes along these lines. This should be easy, since it involves relaxing and letting go—which you’re actually quite good at. You’ve simply never tried to ease up regarding these particular people or situations. Now, my dear, is the time to try.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Weirdly enough, the people who are likely to matter most to you right now are ones who aren’t generally very important in your life. No one you consider family—either by blood or choice—is likely to figure too largely in the most significant events of the week. The ones to keep your eye on are those in close proximity—through work, mutual friends, or other circumstances—but who you never (or rarely) think about. They’ve got stuff to say and things to do that will actually make quite a bit of difference in how you live your life in the next couple of weeks, for good or ill. So pay attention when they drop hints and clues. For once, they’re actually important.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Work, work, work. It’s not all you ever do, although occasionally it may feel like it. Actually, you’ve got it pretty easy, especially compared to those overachieving Capricorns and Virgos. However, there are times when it’s important to focus on whatever’s paying the bills, to the apparent detriment of the rest of your life. It’s not really as shitty as it sounds: Your job is the key to enjoying many other aspects of your existence, whether or not you dig it in and of itself. If there’s a way to get more out of your work without putting much more in (and there is), I say take it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What paths will you pursue this year? I’m not making some New Age-y metaphorical allusion, although you’re free to interpret it that way anyway, if you like. I was asking more literally: Where would you like to actually go? It’s important that you take yourself places, preferably physically. While it’s true that you can go on major trips without ever leaving your bedroom, it’s easier to get the effect you want (and need) by actually removing yourself from your familiar haunts. Getting stuck would be a bad idea. Now’s the time to make plans to ensure you don’t.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Psychic shields up! Virgos often have problems with boundaries and saying no. It’s because you so love to be helpful—even needed—that when someone asks you to do something for them, you almost invariably agree to it. This difficulty is aggravated the longer and more intimately you know someone—and especially if you’re romantically involved with them. What can you do? Create some more or less strictly defined parameters about what you actually need for yourself to be happy, and what you’re willing to do beyond that. This is a good week to define—arbitrarily, if necessary—and announce these. Don’t expect your spoiled friends and family to simply abide them, though. You may need to enforce them, too, so be prepared to do just that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re a very communicative creature; you talk a lot, so you’re quite good at it. And you’re already a better listener than most. But you could still improve. You know that you still filter what you hear, somewhat unconsciously—only in retrospect do you realize some of the assumptions you made without really thinking about it. That’s bullshit you’re better off without, and this is just the week to begin shedding it. It’s like you’re wearing glasses that are making everything blurry and screwed up, only you’ve spent a lot of time assuming that’s just the way the world was, or consoling yourself that at least your lenses weren’t as thick as most people’s. There’s no excuse for not striving for greater clarity if it’s available—and this week, it is.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Are you sick? I hope not. However, I’m compelled to point out that you’re not exactly making much of an effort to avoid becoming ill. It’s better late than never, and better now than later; examine your habits and see if you can figure out three substantial improvements that will make you feel healthier. Quitting smoking, for real, and fast, would be number one on my list. But even just cutting down on fat, sugar, alcohol, or all three, would help keep you vivaciously alive. If all that’s just too damn hard, the least you can do is change you attitude. Smile more. I’m not joking. It’ll actually help (just a little).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I spend way too much time counseling you to consider your future and set yourself up right. This week, forget all that shit. It’s back to your natural state: enjoy the moment, without regard for what it means, or will mean. Especially when it comes to screwing; don’t even think about whether your current tryst is a one-night stand, a rebound, or a potential life partner. Just have fun, and lots and lots of sex. You’ll never be this young again, so I advise you to enjoy it. Trust your heart and your body. They rarely steer you wrong (and when they do, it’s almost always a blast).

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your house is a mess. I don’t mean that exactly literally; you Caps are generally fairly spartan, neat folk. What I mean is that it’s not comfortable—you don’t view it as a retreat, a haven; at the moment, it’s just someplace to keep your stuff and catch some sleep every now and then. That isn’t good. The next big stress crunch, you’ll have a nervous breakdown if you’re not careful. It’s alright to work hard, of course, but you’ve got to have some things that make you feel good when you need to escape the grind. Do at least five things that will tangibly make your house feel a little bit more like a home. You can do them now, or after your damn breakdown. It’s your choice.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Keep your hand on your gun—metaphorically, not literally. An “enemy,” of sorts, is likely to get flushed into the open this week by actions you (perhaps inadvertently) set in motion. Don’t worry, this is not some kind of assassin—unless you happen to work for the NSA. Your “enemies” are, after all, more or less harmless. But being aware of their shitty intentions is, nevertheless, a good idea, because they could still screw you over, albeit on a much smaller scale than taking your life or burning down your house. It’s easy to prevent their sabotage—but first you have to catch them at it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Tear up your bank statement. You worry too much about money; it always seems like there’s not enough of the stuff. Yet—funny thing about this—somehow you manage to survive nevertheless. I’m not telling you to stop balancing your budget and paying attention to these things. I’m just advising you to quit stressing out about it. Nothing you do this week can make the least bit of difference to your overall financial well-being, so why even waste a second fretting? You’ve got other, much more interesting stuff going on. Pay attention to that, not your wallet.

In this image released by FX, Lady Gaga portrays the Countess in a scene from "American Horror Story: Hotel." Lady Gaga was nominated for a Golden Globe award for best actress in a series or TV movie for her role on Thursday, Dec. 10, 2015. The 73rd Annual Golden Globes will be held on Jan. 10, 2016. (Suzanne Tenner/FX via AP)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/web1_AMS.jpgIn this image released by FX, Lady Gaga portrays the Countess in a scene from "American Horror Story: Hotel." Lady Gaga was nominated for a Golden Globe award for best actress in a series or TV movie for her role on Thursday, Dec. 10, 2015. The 73rd Annual Golden Globes will be held on Jan. 10, 2016. (Suzanne Tenner/FX via AP)

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Yank off that band-aid. You’ve got (metaphorically, of course) very hairy arms, and removing that sticky strip is going to hurt no matter how you do it. Why prolong your pain? Just grab an edge and swiftly tug the thing free. Not getting my comparison? Let me be more obvious: Extricating yourself from the situation you’re in can be either slow and torturous, or quick, sharp, and clean. The choice, to me, is ridiculously clear. Nevertheless you’ve been considering (and perhaps even attempting) the cautious and excruciating route. End your (and everyone’s) suffering, and just get it over with, right now.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When you get something right, it’s very rare that you don’t take credit for it. You’re not shy about it. You step right up there and receive your reward and acclaim. And why shouldn’t you? You did good. Well, I’m afraid the same attitude must apply to your mistakes as well. If you’ve messed up, the only way you can redeem yourself in the eyes of your colleagues, family, or friends is to take unabashed responsibility for the error. You’re eminently forgivable—once you’ve asked for forgiveness. But until you own up to what you did wrong, no one’s going to give you anything but shade.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Time for a haircut, a diet, a new wardrobe, a change of scenery, and perhaps even a new main companion. Don’t tell me you’re scared of transformation. (If you are, then I may already be too late.) However, I suspect you’re kind of tired of the way your life’s been going lately. This is the time to wreak an absolute metamorphosis on your existence, to the point where it (and you) are almost unrecognizable. Get rid of everything (and everyone) who doesn’t work, especially those who seek to control you or drag you down with their lame ass, boring attitudes. What are you really about? It’s a good time to figure that shit out, and act on it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Someone’s counting on your tenacity. They’re trusting your crablike determination, hoping that, like one of those rebellious little crustaceans, once you’ve gotten your claws into something (or someone), you simply won’t let go. They need you to hang on so that they can act out all their worst behavior and still (astonishingly) not lose you. That’s why I’m urging you to counter your own nature and just release, right now. Sometimes you ought to put up with some shit; that’s part of what a commitment is. But this is likely to go too far. Express your boundaries, and then wipe your hands clean; whether they get to keep you around or not will be up to them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Spring cleaning time, Leo. Personally, I’m going on a fast this week. I may get my hair cut. I’ll definitely clean my house, pay all my old bills, reorganize my desk, and basically do everything I can to completely eliminate clutter and waste. Follow my example. Once we’ve cleared out enough of the crap, some cool new (or forgotten) shit is bound to be exposed and fondly (re)adopted. Once that clarity’s in my grasp, I’ll make a list about the coming year’s intentions and put it up on the wall. Sounds corny, I know, but it will actually work. Try it. After all, what’s the harm in giving it a go? You can thank me next year.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Okay, here’s a review, since you’re having trouble enforcing the boundaries you require. You’re a supercharged battery. Of course people will try to tap into all that power and use it to fuel their own agendas. It’s hard to say no, because you’re kind, and you do have energy to spare. Yet you must refuse nevertheless; all this juice shouldn’t go to those who are simply the most aggressive about grabbing it or demanding it. Cut off those vampires and leeches at once. You come first. Take care of yourself—for real; I’m not kidding around. Then, and only then, decide who gets what’s left. Key concept: You choose, not submit to whichever prick is the pushiest.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

What am I supposed to say? Don’t use your charm and good looks to get what you want? That’s like asking someone to go swimming with their arms tied behind their back. It’s a ridiculous proposition, one that deserves scorn, not consideration. Now, as long as you don’t make promises you can’t or don’t want to keep, I don’t think a sly wink here or a brilliant smile there is going to do any lasting harm to anyone. In fact, if you do it right, your flirting can make everyone feel good, even while they fulfill your every wish.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When you made a certain leap of faith a few months back, I was very proud of you, and especially pleased about how you resisted jumping to conclusions once you’d landed on the other side of the unknown. Instead, you patiently hung back and waited to see how things played out. Hanging back no longer works, though. Step up. Show that you’re truly committed to the life you’ve chosen. If you can’t do that now, you’ll never be able to. In other words, if you can’t say yes to everything that’s on the table right at this moment, you’re better off getting out, swiftly and completely, for everyone’s sake.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Picture yourself in some craphole apartment. So many different tenants have passed through this dump that there are three inches of paint on the walls, and at least five layers of linoleum and carpeting on the floors, one on top of another. What with all the random scraps of junky furniture abandoned by previous occupants, it’s gotten pretty ugly. It certainly doesn’t suit you. Here’s the thing. I’m talking about a couple of the rooms in your head. They’ve gotten pretty ghetto. Isn’t it time you did the (admittedly hard) work to expose the beautiful hardwood floors and gorgeous antique molding on the walls, buried beneath all that crap? After all, you’re not exactly renting—you own this place. Isn’t it time you fixed it up nice, regardless of who did what to it before?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Improving your own position right now may not be possible. Nevertheless, you’re ideally situated to help someone else, someone who’s not doing as well as you. Don’t try to hide your benevolence (or charity, as some might see it), though. Make sure the person actually wants and needs what you’re offering. Be honest about your motivations and perspective, because any lie you tell (no matter how “white” or well-intentioned) will just backfire and screw you over. There’s no need to force aid on anyone despite their desires. Those truly in need of what you’re able to give will accept it gratefully.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Wanderlust is taking hold. It’s springtime and the urge to fly somewhere and have some real purpose is probably almost irresistible. Go with it, by all means. Screw practicality; that’s for androids and accountants. Keep making choices that will make your life interesting, fun, and passionate, not safe. But let me add to that one reasonable word of caution: avoiding the safe options doesn’t mean you need to be stupid and select the most foolhardy and impractical ones. Your gut knows there are “right” places for you to go and things for you to do. Relentlessly and diligently seek those out.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re never accused of being shy, but the truth is you are, a little. Sure, when push comes to shove, you always rise to the occasion, but short of that pressure, you occasionally timidly hang back a little. It’s sometimes good strategy to let others take the lead, occupy the spotlight, while you remain the clever sexy one hovering at the edges. But the wallflower routine isn’t really you. Let go of that shit. You deserve more from yourself: nothing short of absolute confidence will do. You’re hot shit, and you need to act the part; anything else is a lie.

From left, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber, Lori Loughlin and Candace Cameron-Bure attend the premiere of "Fuller House" on Tuesday, Feb. 16, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/web1_Candace-Cameron-Bure.jpgFrom left, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber, Lori Loughlin and Candace Cameron-Bure attend the premiere of "Fuller House" on Tuesday, Feb. 16, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Explore your dark side. You’re often quite eager to be the perpetual kid, always happy and playful and silly. But you have dark depths and slightly scary hungers that you rarely, if ever, explore. Don’t shy away from them now. That’s a source of your power — denying it can only damage your health and vitality in the long run. Take precautions so you don’t screw yourself up, but explore that dark and kinky stuff. Remember there’s a difference between being careful and just being scared. Be as careful as you ought to be, but don’t let fear keep you from really getting down to what’s what.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In the window of the hair and nail salon, seven glittering ceramic hands claw the air. Grotesque talons decorated with beads, sparkles, hoops and chains, in every color seen on television, promise all the allure of the classless upper class, the idle, the reposed. The receptionist has such lengthy, curled nails on her fingers that she can barely pick up the phone. This reminds me of your current predicament. In your effort to show off or display some useless aspect of yourself, you’ve severely handicapped your ability to do things. May I suggest some metaphorical nail clippers? The distorted and narrow beauty you may lose will be far outweighed by the healthy and balanced gorgeousness that will emerge in its place.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Love and/or money are apt to come from out of the way places this week, odd locations and situations where you’d never guess a potential new business partner or lover might lurk. Cast your line into waterfalls and eddies where you’ve never been. One word of caution: this is all cool and exciting, but be careful not to push it. You’re also likely to meet a handful of seemingly interesting prospects who’ll amount to nothing important in your life. In other words, don’t enthuse too much about the first nibble you get on whatever you put out there. It could be the big fish, or it could just be the beginning of a good day of fishing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Crabs like to edge around things. Their preferred movement is from side to side. Scuttling quickly to the left or right is a smart way to avoid conflict, to see things differently than the rest of the human race, and to make yourself hard to pin down. For one week, though, would you consider a direct approach? This week demands that you charge full speed ahead, and leap with all your faith and strength. It’s the only way you’ll clear the vast philosophical chasm ahead of you, and reach the — perhaps life-changing, perhaps merely very interesting — revelation that lies on the other side. Or if you can’t break your sidling habit, you can continue to linger in the dubious safety of doubt. Your choice.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your majesty! Last week you received news that the barbarians succeeded in capturing the last stronghold outside the imperial palace and the first of their arrows had begun to clatter against its stone walls. Just as you were squashing the rebellion, another surprise attack threw you off-kilter. Leos are not fond of unpleasant surprises, or attacks on their personal territory, which can include people. To console you in your bitterness, I call into effect the Law of Balances. The offensive news of last week will be tempered by some equally good news this week, like the discovery in the palace cellar of an ancient and magical weapon that promises to keep your enemies at bay for some time to come.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Modern fertility drugs have made instances of twins — and triplets, octuplets, etc. — much more common than ever before. Imagine being gifted with six more babies than you’d planned for. Even with your phenomenal skills at balancing, cooperation and juggling, dealing with that many new responsibilities is way more than you can handle right now. Fortunately, you have an option most parents of septuplets don’t consider: choosing which of your new burdens you’ll actually take care of. If you absolutely can’t make up your mind — They’re all so cute and promising! — at least follow the examples of new parents: Get help.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I picture you as uncharacteristically moony, ogling yourself in the mirror for long, vain moments, or, more likely, staring dreamily into the doe-like eyes of your current crush. Lest you sink forever into a pit of mushy sentimentality, consider this: Remember when you used to completely trash anyone who acted this silly and gaga? Well, payback’s a bitch, sweetie. For your evil ridicule, you’ll suffer. But you’ll also discover, to your probable surprise and delight, how completely ineffective derision is to one in your situation. So enjoy your karmic retribution. On every level it comes to you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

It’s full-on spring, and that means spring cleaning … of your life, not necessarily your apartment. If there’s someone who needs to be cut off — and there is — do it now, and don’t look back. It sounds harsh, but a clean break with a bad influence is ultimately a good thing, especially when your alternatives are messy loose ends, muddled conclusions, and exhausting ongoing negativity. Don’t shy away from doing what’s necessary. The situation’s come to this choice: leave your “victim” a soft heart with one long, clean scar, or one toughened and calloused from a myriad of smaller hurts. And by the way, don’t get high-and-mighty about this; I never said the bad influence was the other guy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Unlike the other two fire signs, Sagittarians tend to avoid positions of authority. Being of a non-hierarchical nature, members of your tribe are happy to coordinate an activity, lead an expedition or direct a valuable import business, as long as it’s reasonable and practical for them to do so. Should someone more enthusiastic or capable come along, Sags are only too happy — nay, relieved — to yield the responsibility. While I applaud your lack of hubris, you must admit: you are sometimes too eager to deliver up the burden of your responsibilities. Can you hold onto this one for a while, since it promises a doorway to a greater freedom than you’ve known in at least a year?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It’s springtime. Have a fling. Or make your familiar love feel like a fling, by setting it in new locales, situations, or simply consciously deepening the emotional connection. Shifting things around can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be, because it’s all in the name of bigger life, bigger love. That means that your lover might become your friend, or a friend might become a lover. Relish the metamorphoses instead of fearing them. Change comes no matter what you do; at least here you have a really good chance of making it all positive, unusual, and exciting.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re a sleek, road-hugging race-car, your powerful engine thrumming in neutral as you prepare for your forceful sprint to the finish line. Or perhaps that rumble is the deep, quiet growl of you as cheetah, your lean, muscled body lying low to the ground just at the moment you spot your prey. This is a good week to slowly creep into the best possible position, muscles bunched and tensed, patiently awaiting the right moment to spring into the rapid pursuit that could mean life or death for someone. Have a care, though; this week doesn’t promise victory, only a wild and exhilarating chase.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

According to my Vibe-o-meter, your readings register as curiously pure, more like the innocent, radiant quality of a young kid than a full-grown adult. You’re dangerously free of cynicism, bitterness, or sarcasm. I say dangerously free, because trusting as a child in the garden of Eden trusts, while living in the wilder jungle of real life, can be a sketchy practice. I’m not worried about you, though. You’re tough. What are you going to do, though, with this abundance of goodwill and energy? There are a lot of people who are worse off than you; consider them. Could now be the time to actually do something to help another person out in some significant and long-term way?

English actress Emma Watson poses for photographers during the photocall of the film: ‘Regression’ in Madrid, Spain. Thursday, August 27, 2015. (AP Photo/Abraham Caro Marin)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/web1_AP_528725113039.CMYK_.jpgEnglish actress Emma Watson poses for photographers during the photocall of the film: ‘Regression’ in Madrid, Spain. Thursday, August 27, 2015. (AP Photo/Abraham Caro Marin) AP photo

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sometimes you can know too much. Once you understand your own innocence or charm, it ceases to be innocent or charming to everyone else. Escargot, caviar and honey are more delicious in ignorance than when you consider what they really are. And if you truly think about everything that’s going down in the world today, anger, frustration and sadness can be incapacitating. Cease your current attempts to understand or explain your creative process. While I would agree that in most situations, knowledge is power, in this case: the less you know, the better. Don’t scare the Muse, she doesn’t like it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You can sell anything right now. If you can get a person to listen to you for five minutes, you can unload on them, for profit, any number of things you (and your friends) no longer need. Go ahead and try it; you could use the cash, and in my book the gullible are fair game — to some extent. Don’t abuse this power. Make sure that whatever you’re ditching might have some chance of being useful to whoever you’re forcing to pay for it. You have the ability to make each of these transactions a win-win (even if weighted heavily in your favor). Don’t settle for anything but.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’ve come to a fork in the Yellow Brick Road, my sweet friend. I’m not concerned with which direction you’ll take, just who you’ll become to get there. Will you choose to have the sensitive heart of the woodman, the innocence of the girl, the courage of the lion, or the brains of the scarecrow? Or will you continue in your present mode, embodying the misunderstood wickedness of the witch who stands in the way of all the less miserable parts of you? Okay, yeah, I know your life is way more complicated than a fairy tale, but sometimes looking at your choices in that way can be useful. Try it now.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“The restroom is for customers only,” sniffed the bookstore tyrant, surveying my bedraggled self with distaste. Having bought tea and given their stock a fair perusal, I said, “Yes, may I use it?” “Are you going to buy something?” he inquired, busily dusting the shelves. I restrained a Leo roar and said delicately: “Where’s the key, please?” He sighed and handed me the key, attached to a wooden letter-M. I put it on the edge of the sink. It promptly tumbled into the basin, with the long chain holding the key spilling into the drain. Pulling on the links, it came up easily — sans key. I wasn’t really embarrassed to hand the keyless “M” back to the bitter despot. I just wish I had done it on purpose. This week, don’t resist the urge to push people’s buttons and cause trouble. It’ll happen anyway; you might as well enjoy yourself.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re a talker. Maybe not on the level of those Geminis or Aquarians, but you know how to use your words. What you’re not quite as good at is communicating without them. Reading others’ body language or being aware of what you’re conveying with yours is an important skill to have. Before you open your mouth this week, see what’s already being said, non-verbally, by you and those you’re with. Make sure your handshake and hug come across as warm and personable as you hope they are, and make sure that what you say hasn’t already been said another way.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The endless repetition of this week may have you feeling like a goldfish in a bowl — stared at, fed the same crap every day, and the same boring scenery along the way. Even your reflection has begun to bore you. Before you let ennui really take hold, you should know: This is the kind of week you’ll long for in the weeks to come. Soon, your little world may crack, spilling you in a giant wave out to the next big pond. You’ll have to say goodbye forever to the relatively tiny, safe world you’ve occupied for years. This vision of your future might excite or terrify you. Until it happens, though, try to be surprised by the little plastic castle the next few times it comes around. You’ll miss it when it’s gone.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You might be horrified to discover that the captivating person who’s recently taken an interest in you is probably attracted to what you consider your worst feature. Yup, that crooked nose, unruly hair, your penchant for altered mind states (to put it tactfully), your introversion. These are all potentially compelling to those prepared to see them holistically. The due date for self-acceptance is coming up, and Cutie’s there to help you feel proud of your least favorite part. You’ve already acknowledged the double-edged sword of your “good” qualities, like your intelligence or beauty. Now realize that even your faults have virtue.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Watch out for bigots, because for some reason they’ll be magnetized toward you this week. Not only that, but they’ll be compelled to loudly proclaim their offensive and backwards viewpoints in your presence, in such a way that you’ll be obliged to refute or counter them, lest onlookers lump you in with such idiocy. Of course, that’s exactly what these bigots want. Don’t engage with them, if at all possible. Just shake your head and walk away. If you find you’ve got to open your mouth before you leave them to their stupidity, try to keep from getting emotionally involved. Stay cool and stick to the facts, which as we both know, speak for themselves.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorns make good bosses, but you can also be immensely valuable employees. This week, regardless of which role you play, take advantage of the harmonious interchanges you’re capable of right now. That means that if you’ve got some tricky questions or requests that you’ve been putting off, now’s the time to make them, since it’ll be easy-peasy, no sweat. Get that raise, or convince one of your coworkers to finally start pulling their own weight. One more minor incentive, in case you’re still daunted from getting real with those you work with: if you really go there, you might even get laid, as a bonus.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Be hedonistic. The array of new experiences available to you is unfolding wildly in all directions. You’ve suddenly got access to flavors you never even knew existed before. Don’t stick to your old favorites out of timidity. They’ll always be there. Try the new stuff, the pistachio chocolate hot pepper or the ginger pumpkin pie ice creams, rather than plain old vanilla. It’s not often that such a buffet of life’s richness is laid out before you. To snub it for the comfort of your armchair and bag of chips would be rude, idiotic, and ultimately lame.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Who says artists can’t get rich? Prove any idiot who claims that wrong. Okay, you might not achieve Trump-level wealth with your creative ventures, but you have a chance to make a few bucks now by doing what you love. I can’t imagine a single good reason why you’d abstain. Dreaming is all very well and good, but don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers because you’re stuck in a fantasy. Get busy. You’ll always have a chance to dream, but the moment when you can earn some dough from it is right now. Seize it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Let’s take it as a given that, at least to some degree, our perception of “reality” creates that reality. For example, in one of my worst living situations, I lived in a total crack neighborhood with half a dozen speed freaks and all their friends. Their unhealthy relationship with “Tina” seemed to severely and negatively affect their “interface with consensus reality.” What the hell am I talking about? I’m just saying that your current use of constant activity to keep from dealing with the harder stuff in your life is more damaging than an addiction to any hard drug. Slow down, my friend. Slow down.

James Franco attends the LA Premiere of "The Adderall Diaries" held at ArcLight Hollywood on Tuesday, April 12, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by John Salangsang/Invision/AP)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/web1_AP_287331889336.jpgJames Franco attends the LA Premiere of "The Adderall Diaries" held at ArcLight Hollywood on Tuesday, April 12, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by John Salangsang/Invision/AP)AP photo

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re a big monkey. That’s not so bad, though. Orangutans, for example, live in complete collusion with their environment. They eat fruit, spilling seeds and nutrient-rich shit all over the forest, helping ensure its continued growth and renewal. Humans, at least as a race, are more or less a virus, without much hope of living in harmony with the land. At best, we aim for minimal impact. The bad news you already know: This planet-consumption will proceed apace. The good news: Forget minimal impact; you Bulls have the best chance of having more of a positive than a negative effect on everything you touch this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Pry. Be nosy. Snoop, sneak, and persistently ask difficult questions. You can worm any secret out of anyone this week. Why wouldn’t you? Knowledge is power, and I trust you with it. (Mostly.) Enough to impart this kind of advice, anyway. You’re the best kind of spy this week, because you’re working only for yourself (and, of course, in some part of your subconscious, the betterment of the whole human race). There’s tons of juicy, important dirt out there, and someone’s bound to dig it up eventually. Why shouldn’t it be you, and sooner rather than later?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your sex life is (or has been recently, at least) a rich complicated blend of flavors and textures, a virtual edible tapestry, right? Not so much. It may have seemed that way at the time, but the delicious new complexities you’ll have the opportunity to sample this week will make your former diet seem as bland and inoffensive as tofu. Luckily, bean curd soaks up whatever you put it with, so start marinating, baby. Drink in some of the spicy new ideas the cosmos has plunged you into. By the time this chapter is over, I don’t expect you to have simply tried a few new dishes; I anticipate, instead, that you’ll write a whole new cookbook.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re already larger than life. This week, due to the gaggle of celestial influences on your sign, you have the potential to be at least three times louder, four times as influential, and get five times as much attention as you’re used to. Now that everyone’s listening to you, be positive you know exactly what you’re saying. Since more people are subject to your will than at any time since last summer, make sure your instigation is properly thought out. Lastly, make sure you’re getting all this attention for all the right reasons, and none of the wrong ones.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Western society tends to view the heart as the seat of the emotions, but many other cultures say the root of intense feelings is actually the liver. They may have a point: It outweighs the heart and is made of softer stuff—heart tissue is pretty tough. You’ve been pretty tough lately, too. Do you really need to be so rugged? Might I suggest taking a break from feeling everything with your sturdy, efficient heart, and switch to experiencing your emotions from a sloppier, softer organ? Repeat after me: I love you with all my liver.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Ah, springtime, when a young person’s fancy turns to lust. This time of year is chock full of sweet temptations that might divert your attention from the primary object of your desire. Libras are notoriously likely to flirt outrageously with anyone and everyone. Spring fever adds extra momentum to your pseudo-seductions, inertia you may not be aware of. Imagine your flirtation as a long train, pushing over a steep hill. You have to start braking well before the whole thing is over the top, or you’ll race out of control to the bottom, and end up between the sheets. This might not be a bad thing, I’m just warning you so you can go into it with your eyes open and your horn tooting.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Damn, you’re on fire! We’re hanging on your every word. No joke. You could start a new religion right now, make the business deal of the decade, or simply get hot models into bed. All you have to do is talk. Don’t overthink it. Just share what’s on your mind. For some reason, most of those around you will find what you say compelling, regardless of whether or not they like it. Of course, this isn’t just an opportunity to climb up onto whatever soapbox happens to be nearby. It’s also a chance to work through some tough shit that’s been sidelined for a while now, mostly because the other person (or people) it involves hasn’t been willing to hear what needs to be said. Say it now; trust me, they can’t help but listen.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The Sagittarian symbol is a centaur—a creature half horse, half man. It’s Chiron, a wise teacher, skilled in the medical arts, especially herbal medicine and surgery, who taught Asclepius and Hercules. He gave his immortality to Prometheus when he received an incurable wound, and was made into the constellation of Sagittarius by Zeus. Why mention this? Your power to heal is overlooked too often, especially by you. You may need it soon. It’ll need a tune-up and some revving to get it going again, just like an old car that’s sat on blocks for a while. The best way to get it in gear? Healer, heal thyself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Choose a theme song. You’re going to need something that’s consistently uplifting for you, and that you can keep cued up on your device to play on a moment’s notice. It’s going to be a bloody tough week. Not because anything outrageously horrible will happen, necessarily, but simply because the rules of the game you’re forced to play (at least for the moment) are downright depressing. It’s hard to remain upbeat, patient, trusting, and openhearted when the hoops you’re required to jump through are so lame, difficult, and spiritually degrading. Keep that song playing and try to smile anyway. You’ll make it through.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Pull on those elbow-length yellow rubber gloves, grab a bucket and some rags. It’s time for some belated spring-cleaning—and not just of your house. Your head and heart are messes, too. The mildew in the shower of your emotions has got to be scoured away. The mold lurking in the back of the refrigerator where you store your freshest ideas is plotting a take-over. The dust bunnies under the bed of your inner peace have been propagating and mutating. Take a sponge or broom and some heavy-duty cleaners to all your winter’s grunge, or you’ll be scrubbing old stains all through the summer, instead of busy acquiring new ones.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t let ennui make you an addict. This is the kind of week that could wear you down slowly, grinding away at any good moods you might have started with. What’s worse is there’s nothing you can point at to explain or justify the sour, or least bored, mood you’re likely to end up in. That sucks because some of the people around you have this ridiculous expectation that you should be happy if you can’t describe exactly what’s wrong. Most Pisces respond to this tedious quandary with drugs, alcohol, or other self-destructive stuff, just to cut through the murk. Don’t do that right now. The haze will lift soon enough on its own in a few days—unless you reinforce it with a cloudy mind; then it’ll last for weeks instead.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Imagine yourself zooming down a slick, snow-covered slope, a thin lozenge of a board strapped to your feet. You’re freezing and banged-up from the crashes and wipe-outs associated with learning to snowboard. Now, to turn this thing, you have to lean downhill. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to get an edge into the powder and, well, steer. Despite my out of season message, my analogy is otherwise accurate: You are racing along the path you chose, and although your instinct may be to take a step back and try to slow down—the only way to stay in control is to take your whole self and lean, hard, in the direction you’d like to go.

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/web1_Nelson.jpg

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Use your vacation time. You’ve been hoarding it for what? Take the week off; you have the chance to have a blast with those you love. The weather may not be perfect and your coworkers won’t appreciate it, but so what? Screw it. The timing’s right to do fun things that’ll have meaning and resonance for years to come; this won’t be true in August or whenever you planned on taking your two weeks. If your boss knew how much you’d get out of five paid days away, they’d give you their blessing. Of course, they’re clueless now so you’ll have to go without; once they’ve seen the good it’s done you, they’ll bequeath it retroactively.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re royalty, lately. You may even be mistaken for a Leo, the way you’ve been smoothly seducing everyone you meet, sometimes snubbing your best friends to do so. Your regal pursuit of your own desires is fine. But if you’re going to act like a monarch, you must learn the lesson every Leo learns, eventually: Even a king is merely servant to the people he rules. It’s hard for people to get or stay mad at you, but your friends may find it a whole lot easier soon. A few dignified apologies, belated invitations, and a heartfelt phone call or two will go a long way towards averting a revolt.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It’s not easy being pregnant. That odd feeling you’re experiencing is a strange choice, regarding your developing offspring (a wild new idea destined to have a life of its own): You could painlessly bring it into the world now while it’s still small and helpless, but it’ll be as ugly as a newborn kangaroo and need extensive care, nurture, and protection to survive in this harsh world. Or, you could carry it in your head and quietly allow it to develop there for a few months or years until it finally, painfully, drops into this life like an open-eyed, furry little baby goat, who is walking (and playing) on his own within minutes. The choice is yours.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

A short circuit happens when electricity leaps along an unintended path, one with low resistance. In a machine, this can be disastrous, resulting in overheating or explosions. But in a human being it can be wondrous, if alarming (and occasionally destructive). You can’t prepare for one of these things; by their very nature they always catch you by surprise. Eyes meet across the room, or you wake from a dream, or you just have a flash of inspiration, and sparks fly. Is it a stroke, a burst of genius or a moment of profound, unstoppable connection? You may not have one of these this week, but you’re primed for one in the next few months. You can’t stop it from happening, so don’t try. What you do with its effects after the fact, though, is entirely up to you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgos are grand masters of self-torture. That’s sad; I wish you could just quit this inane practice. Instead of punishing yourself for worrying (which I agree, you do way too much of), smile. Force yourself to laugh in the face of your own ludicrous anxiety. Worrying is astrologically illegal this week. The more confident and less distressed you are, the less cause you’ll have to worry. And, of course, the opposite is true. To make up for any karmic accidents or paranoid fantasies, paste a grin on your face and act like a Leo. I guarantee you’ll get a lion’s share of the results.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libras are the most-hated signs in the zodiac. Nearly everyone despises you and treats you with malicious duplicity, smiling to your face and leering at the back of your head, and talking shit about you whenever you’re out of earshot. J/K. Hopefully you’ve realized that I’m just giving you shit. I’m messing with you. Sorry, I was compelled by astrological forces to do so, forces most of the people around you will be subject to as well. Wear your thickest skin this week, because people are apt to play mind games and poke at your defenses. Most of it’s meant in good fun and shouldn’t be taken seriously, but it could still hurt if you’re unprepared.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Go ahead, ask them to marry you already. After last week’s misery, you’re probably incredibly relieved simply to have survived. But now’s not necessarily the time to chill out. The door’s open to make your relationship more serious—in a good way. Whether that means marriage or kids or moving in together or what—that’s your deal. Anyway, don’t worry; if it’s just not the time, this door will swing open again next spring, too. If you don’t want to wait a year, though, act immediately; you won’t soon have a better chance of getting an “I do” than you do, right now.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sagittarians are subject to an invisible wind that compels them to keep moving, Even if it’s only speculative or imaginary, no Sagittarian can be happy without frequent exploration of new experiences. The nippy breeze that’s been blowing through your hair is about to surge to hurricane force, propelling you to get lost for the most inane motivations you’ve considered in a year. Before you hop on a cross-country train to go buy a new hat, or fly to Europe for an easy lay, take my advice: Don’t. If you can indulge yourself locally for the next couple months, you’ll be setting yourself up for a grand adventure this summer, one that really matters.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When was the last time you saw in color? I mean really noticed the blue of the sky, the green of a leaf, or the pink of your lover’s tongue? Sometimes it takes someone or something to wake you up, make you realize that up until that moment, you’d been seeing the world in black and white. Suddenly, scarlet spills into the skin of the apple, mahogany floods the eyes of the person who awakened you, saffron unfolds in the center of the daisy. Whether it’s been minutes or months since you’ve truly felt alive, your shades of gray are about to go technicolor again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This isn’t a good week to shop or otherwise acquire anything new, even if it’s only new to you. It is a good week to get rid of stuff, though. You know you have way more than you can use. Finish the last of your spring cleaning by eliminating this clutter. Bestow your most precious but least-used possessions on your friends. The challenge is to convert every useless piece of bric-a-brac and too-tight clothing into a valuable commodity, by careful selection and matching of item to friend. The rewards for your success include not only a cleaner, less cluttered home and the gratitude of your surprised friends, but also a saner, less, flaky head.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

In India, they have laughing clubs, to help people improve their mental, spiritual, and physical health through laughter. No jokes or comedy are involved. Someone just starts chuckling, and allows the natural contagion of boisterous mirth to spread to the entire group. They say that fifteen minutes of belly laughter can add years back onto your life. Since you’ve been so diligently pursuing activities that’ll probably only cost you time in the end, why not insert yourself into a situation or two that might have you rolling with those deep, from-the-gut guffaws that make you feel so good?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The phone pouts silently in the corner. The sullen mailbox spits only junk and bills in your direction. Your computer stews wordlessly on your desk. So you’re feeling neglected by the world? Maybe your situation isn’t as extreme as the one I propose, but can you think of a few people you really ought to keep in better touch with? Your assignment: This week, contact at least one person per day that deserves your attention. Your incentive: If you get in touch with seven semi-forgotten friends, I promise: Your apartment won’t be frozen in time, surrounded by an impassable barrier of thorny roses, and you may get your prince(ss) without all the hassle.

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_ghost.jpg

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_gost.jpg

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Crazy shit could go down this week. Your trusted partner (business or romantic) could ditch you. You could lose your job, or your best work buddies. Anything and everything you take for granted could be set adrift. I know this kind of thing is especially alarming for you Bulls, but listen, don’t panic. What you need now is to focus on the new places you can explore, ahead of you on the horizon, not the boats that are threatening to capsize behind you. They’ll either sink or survive, but in the meantime, cast your nets wide for new connections—new boats. Prepare for unusual sources of connection, and stability—they’re most likely to come from people you’d never expect.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Try watching TV with the sound turned off, or watching people dance without being able to hear the music. You’ll start to get the idea of what you ought to avoid this week. You’ve got two fantastic assets: your skilled, sensitive hands, and your speedy silver tongue. Make them work together and you’re a star. One without the other and you’re screwed; phone conversations, emails, and their ilk will likely yield the opposite of their intended effects. Steer clear, in favor of marionette shows, sign language interpretation, or talking dirty while having sex—weirdly safe, fun places where you just can’t go wrong.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sagittarians are at least as different from you as your polar opposite, Capricorn. They’re generally laid-back and easy-going where you’re passionate and—admit it, now—somewhat controlling. They shy away from sentimentality and expression of heavy emotion; you live for these things. This week, though, they’ll have tons of that stuff. What happens to this abundance of emotional energy with nowhere to go? Ridiculous fights, that’s what. Massive dramas will erupt over the stupidest little things (and none of the important ones). Unwarned, it can really screw with you Crabs, who can get swept up in the mess so easily. But now that you know, I hope you’ll be avoiding this kind of thing (which might involve avoiding other people) like the plague.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Now that the sun is about to blow over into the windy terrain of those goofy Geminis, you have a chance to give special focus to the roles that silly sign usually occupies in your life: friends with benefits, sweet, casual long-term friendships, secret work allies, and the like. It’s hardly unheard of, but Geminis and Leos rarely hook up for the deep, heavy stuff. Your low-stress camaraderie is a blast, but it doesn’t always weather real hardship well. Keep that in mind when doors to deeper connections with Geminis seem to open this week. Really taking things there isn’t impossible, but it takes work, and, probably, a long time. Could things quite simply be better as they are? Choose well; once you’ve stepped through one of these openings, there’s no going back.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Heartfelt wishes can come true (or at least sort of true) this week. So, unfortunately, can heartfelt curses. Whenever you mix real feelings with your desires (whether positive or negative) right now, it’s liable to have some concrete effect in the world around you. I hereby drag out that tired cliché: be careful what you wish for. Feeling guilty (even in an abstract New Agey karmic way) at funerals isn’t fun. Now’s the time for your best, most generous and enlightened self to take the reins. Meditate as often as necessary. In other words, if you can’t think anything nice, don’t think anything at all.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Everyone plays this tricky game: convincing yourself that you want what you ought to want, instead of acknowledging (and going for) what you really want, no matter how socially, financially, or aesthetically “unacceptable.” Libras, however, are especially susceptible to this curse. They often find themselves coolly married to people who fit some “ideal partner” image, instead of to those who arouse real passion. Attraction rarely conforms to

your mental ideals. If you can let yourself pursue your lustiest, most powerful fantasies instead of your safest, “smartest” ones, your life will become much, much richer. It’s that simple.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How long has it been, actually, that you’ve been holed up in your apartment, alone, Netflixing and chilling? I’m not saying you need to quit any of your favorite habits, but your substitutes for actual life are getting the best of you. Come on, go outside. Enjoy a little sunshine, maybe some human contact. All your secret, private pleasures will still be waiting for you when you get back. The beautiful thing is, if you manage to really involve yourself in what’s going on this week, you’ll still be able to enjoy them when you have time to, but you’ll no longer need them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When your kid gets the chicken pox, you might want to make them wear mittens, to prevent scratching and scarring. You might want to take preventative measures yourself, to keep from creating similar unsightly blemishes in your life; your temper is liable to flare this week, and it might be best if you limit the kind of damage you can do, should you lose control of yourself. Protect yourself as well as those around you. Of course, nothing might happen. But wrapping yourself in an emotional mitten, limiting movement (and your ability to manipulate), might be a good idea, just in case.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

So you feel like a whore. So what? Everyone prostitutes themselves in some way at some point in their lives. It’s part of life. Whether you’re actually peddling your ass on a street corner or just selling your precious time, happiness, and freedom in a corporate office, it’s all more or less the same. Sometimes you get a bum deal. You get your cash and realize it’s not worth whatever sacrifice you made for it. Oh well. It sucks, but there’s nothing you can do now—except learn from your mistake. Keep it from happening again. Study this lesson well, or it will, soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Bank on your brilliance. There are times to cruise along on your achievements and not push things too much, and then there are times when you ought to just cash in. This week it’s not enough to just let things happen, not when pushing will yield so much. Everything around you is soft and malleable, primed for shaping and maneuvering. A diligent, determined, and ambitious Aquarian could put herself in an amazing position right now, without hardly offending or displacing anyone else. It doesn’t matter what your goals are—a little creative life-sculpting can bring you much closer to them, right now. Get started; I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t try.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re going to love this. You’re officially off the hook this week. You don’t need to deal with any real world bullshit at all. There’s no point, at the moment; you might as well ask your dog to do trigonometry. Bills, laundry, business crap—these are all in some incomprehensible foreign language right now. Instead focus on what is right up your alley this week: art, music, dreams, all that kind of rose-colored shit. It’ll feel good, you’ll get a lot done, and ironically—albeit possibly in a very roundabout way—you’ll also get a lot closer to settling all the practical shit you were avoiding in the first place.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You have no trouble indulging your whims. You want what you want, regardless of the assumptions reality attempts to impose upon you, and your life simply has to transform to accommodate your desires. You know from your experience that this often doesn’t work out exactly as you might wish. That might be the case this week, too, as your lusts (sexual or otherwise) conflict with your budget, values, or the desires of those around you. If I were you, and they weren’t too negative or dangerous, I’d indulge them anyway. It might screw some things up in the short run, but in the long run, not letting an Aries be an Aries is more screwed up by far.

Sabrina Carpenter arrives at the Radio Disney Music Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Saturday, April 30, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_AP945597545451-1-1-1.jpgSabrina Carpenter arrives at the Radio Disney Music Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Saturday, April 30, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your trusted partner (business or romantic) could ditch you. You could lose your job, or your best work buddies. Anything and everything you take for granted could be set adrift. I know this kind of thing is especially alarming for you Bulls, but don’t panic. Focus on the new places you can explore, ahead on the horizon, not the boats that threaten to capsize behind you. They’ll either sink or survive, but in the meantime, cast your nets wide for new connections—new boats. Prepare for unusual sources of connection, and stability—they’re most likely to come from people you’d never expect.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Try watching TV with the sound off, or watching people dance without hearing music. You’ll start to get the idea of what you ought to avoid this week. You’ve got two fantastic assets: your skilled, sensitive hands, and your speedy silver tongue. Make them work together and you’re a star. One without the other and you’re screwed; phone conversations, emails, and their ilk will likely yield the opposite of their intended effects. Steer clear, in favor of marionette shows, sign language interpretation, or talking dirty while having sex.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sagittarians are at least as different from you as your polar opposite, Capricorn. They’re laid-back and easy-going where you’re passionate and somewhat controlling. They shy away from sentimentality and expression of heavy emotion; you live for these things. This week they’ll have tons of that stuff. What happens to this abundance of emotional energy with nowhere to go? Ridiculous fights. Massive dramas erupt over the stupidest little things. Unwarned, it can really screw with you Crabs, who get swept up in the mess so easily. But now that you know, I hope you avoid this kind of thing (which might involve avoiding other people) like the plague.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The sun is about to blow over into the windy terrain of those goofy Geminis. You have a chance to give special focus to the roles that silly sign usually occupies in your life: friends with benefits, sweet, casual long-term friendships, secret work allies, and the like. It’s hardly unheard of, but Geminis and Leos rarely hook up for the deep, heavy stuff. Your low-stress camaraderie is a blast, but it doesn’t always weather real hardship well. Keep that in mind when doors to deeper connections with Geminis seem to open this week. Really taking things there isn’t impossible, but it takes work, and, probably, a long time. Could things quite simply be better as they are? Choose well; once you’ve stepped through one of these openings, there’s no going back.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Heartfelt wishes can come true (or at least sort of true) this week. So, unfortunately, can heartfelt curses. Whenever you mix real feelings with your desires (whether positive or negative) right now, it’s liable to have some concrete effect in the world around you. I hereby drag out that tired cliché: be careful what you wish for. Feeling guilty (even in an abstract New Agey karmic way) at funerals isn’t fun. Now’s the time for your best, most generous and enlightened self to take the reins. Meditate as often as necessary. In other words, if you can’t think anything nice, don’t think anything at all.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Everyone plays this tricky game: convincing yourself you want what you ought to want, instead of acknowledging what you really want, no matter how socially, financially, or aesthetically “unacceptable.” Libras are especially susceptible to this curse. They often find themselves coolly married to people who fit some “ideal partner” image, instead of to those who arouse real passion. Attraction rarely conforms to your mental ideals. If you can let yourself pursue your lustiest, most powerful fantasies instead of your safest ones, your life will become richer.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How long has it been since you’ve been holed up in your apartment, alone, Netflixing and chilling? Don’t quit your favorite habits, but your substitutes for actual life are getting the best of you. Go outside. Enjoy the sunshine, maybe some human contact. All your secret, private pleasures will still be waiting for you. The beautiful thing is, if you manage to really involve yourself in what’s going on this week, you’ll be able to enjoy them when you have time, but you’ll no longer need them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When your kid gets the chicken pox, you might want to make them wear mittens, to prevent scratching and scarring. You might want to take preventative measures yourself, to keep from creating similar unsightly blemishes in your life; your temper is liable to flare this week, and it might be best if you limit the kind of damage you can do. Protect yourself as well as those around you. But wrapping yourself in an emotional mitten, limiting movement (and your ability to manipulate), might be a good idea.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

So you feel like a whore. So what? Everyone prostitutes themselves in some way at some point in their lives. Whether you’re actually peddling your ass on a street corner or just selling your precious time, happiness, and freedom in a corporate office, it’s all more or less the same. Sometimes you get a bum deal. You get your cash and realize it’s not worth whatever sacrifice you made for it. It sucks, but there’s nothing you can do — except learn from your mistake. Keep it from happening again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There are times to cruise along on your achievements and not push things too much, then there are times when you ought to cash in. This week it’s not enough to just let things happen, not when pushing will yield so much. Everything around you is soft and malleable, primed for shaping and maneuvering. A diligent, determined, and ambitious Aquarian could put herself in an amazing position right now, without hardly offending or displacing anyone. It doesn’t matter what your goals are—a little creative life-sculpting can bring you much closer to them. Get started; I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t try.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re officially off the hook this week. You don’t need to deal with any real world bullshit at all. There’s no point, at the moment; you might as well ask your dog to do trigonometry. Bills, laundry, business crap—these are all in some incomprehensible foreign language right now. Focus on what is up your alley: art, music, dreams, all that kind of rose-colored stuff. It’ll feel good, you’ll get a lot done, and ironically—albeit possibly in a very roundabout way—you’ll get closer to settling all the practical shit you were avoiding.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You have no trouble indulging your whims. You want what you want, regardless of the assumptions reality attempts to impose on you; your life simply transforms to accommodate your desires. You know from experience this often doesn’t work out exactly as you wish. That might be the case this week, too, as your lusts (sexual or otherwise) conflict with your budget, values, or the desires of those around you. Indulge them anyway. It might screw some things up in the short run, but in the long run, not letting an Aries be an Aries is more screwed up.

Robert Pattinson arrives at The Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Benefit Gala, celebrating the opening of "Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology" on Monday, May 2, 2016, in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_AP911936342361-1.jpgRobert Pattinson arrives at The Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Benefit Gala, celebrating the opening of "Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology" on Monday, May 2, 2016, in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Fix the drip on your kitchen tap, or seal that drafty bedroom window. You can do any number of little things this week that will make your house feel safer, more secure, and more comfortable; in other words, more like a haven. You need security more than you think. It’s far more achievable than you ever imagined. Yeah, it’s never going to be perfect, but it could be a lot better than it is, with a minimum of effort.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Bad relationship patterns, like insomnia, can easily spiral out of control. You have trouble sleeping one night. The next night, you worry about having insomnia again, and you do. The third night, it’s worse, because you’ve already had two sleepless nights. The same thing can happen in a relationship. You hit a bump in the road that’s like one you’ve experienced before, with someone else. That affair ended badly, so you start worrying about this one. Your fearfulness feeds into distrust instead of feelings of connection and fun, and before you know it, the road is riddled with potholes that weren’t there before. You hit a bump? Slam on the gas, not the brakes.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancers are fanatically loyal to their families — tragically, the feeling’s not always mutual. What some Cancers see as protective love, others can view as stifling control. For some people, stuff like politics, practicalities, and the need for privacy can get in the way. Nothing’s likely to change this week about who’s close to you, and who’s not. It’s an ideal time to come to terms with the shape your family’s in, good or bad, and assess whether improving it is in your power. If not, best to let it go, no?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Movin’ on up… You could have that deluxe apartment in the sky, or its metaphorical equivalent, provided you roll up your sleeves and put in some effort. You have the chance to network with big fish from reservoirs larger than your tiny pond. It’s time to get out there and sell yourself—but be careful. Some people grab the spotlight, and feel like they have to put on a show to justify it. Resist that urge. You’re already larger than life; adding drama will make you gaudy and unlikable. Be absolutely real. That’s all you need: your normal everyday self and a bright light. Try it. You’ll shine.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Get the hell outside. Your apartment is clean enough. There’s an exciting world out there. It may even be in need of some of your energy, but that’s not important. What matters is what you need, whether you realize it or not: thrills, new experiences, inspiring people. All you have to do is go out and find them. It may take some work, so don’t give up and go back to organizing all your stuff when nothing jumps out at you on your five-minute walk around the block. Go to where the energy is. You’ll find what you’re looking for and then some.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

New York’s full of rats; San Francisco, raccoons. Los Angeles plays host to coyote. Berlin has foxes. Each of these species has carved out its modern existence by successfully adapting to new circumstances and environments. I mention these animals—often referred to as “pests”—because their strengths are yours. You have the adaptability to survive and thrive in swiftly changing situations—sometimes you don’t let yourself do it. Go with the flow; it’s nature’s way. Being on the endangered species list isn’t as glamorous as it sounds.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t go rushing off to don an emotional suit of armor and pick weapons. Instead, go naked into the fray and see what happens. One of your intimate relationships is at a turning point. You’ll either fall (or explode) apart, perhaps never to come together again, or you’ll achieve a new level of closeness and trust. Getting to that enviable place will involve some emotional cleansing; a sort of scouring of built-up interpersonal grunge. Don’t guarantee estrangement; leave your shields and catapults behind. Yeah, that means your “enemy” can get near enough to tear out your hair, but also close enough to kiss and make up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I know you’re a good-hearted, forthright, trustworthy person. But most Sags, especially when they’re young, take a lot more than they give. This can lead to habits that get you into trouble in more serious long-term relationships. At some point your partner will demand some balancing of the scales. If they’re asking for more from you, don’t get defensive. Chances are, you owe it to them. Maybe not; only you can judge what you’re able and willing to give. If there’s any doubt, give your loved one its benefit.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This is a crappy time to look far into your future, because whatever brightness lies there will be obscured by the mountains of little shit stacked in front of you. It’s overwhelming, but try not to let it get to you. Make lists, organize yourself, and resolve to never give up, lest you’re buried in the mess. Diligence and discipline are two of your strengths, and you’ll need them now. Don’t worry about next year, next month, or even next week. You’ve got enough work on your plate right this second.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re a virgin, about to let yourself be deflowered. No, that’s too passive. You’re a virgin, about to go out and screw the hell out of someone. That’s more accurate. I’m using sex as a metaphor; I know you’re not really a virgin. It’s important you choose well on this new frontier. What (or who) you do now could be important in the future, and affect everything that comes after. Make sure you get off to a good start, or you’ll never get to the finish line at the end of this particular path.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The reason for your recent voracious hunger is easy—you’ve been preparing for a metamorphosis. Just like a cute caterpillar, you devour everything you can get your mouth around, until the overwhelming urge to hide in a cozy chrysalis hits you. Your periodic cocooning is normal, and necessary, despite the world’s loud demands. This is all part of every Pisces’ natural cycle. The longer and deeper you can immerse yourself in your practice of resurrection, the bigger, brighter, and more beautiful your wings will be when you emerge.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re a pillow at the moment: all soft, receptive and squishy. Unfortunately, when some people encounter something so malleable, all they want to do is punch it, throw it around, sit on it, or use it to muffle their farts. Your challenge, despite this harsh treatment, is to avoid growing a crusty hard shell or filling your insides with bricks; take all this abuse with good grace. Become bigger than it by absorbing it but still retaining your fluffy, amiable shape, and welcoming attitude. Eventually, you’ll find someone who appreciates this side of you.

Former Oscar winner Cher is shown in this March 18, 1999 photo. An upscale fashion boutique called Mr. Charles prevented Cher’s personal assistant from making a credit card purchase with Cher’s credit card when she could not produce a photo ID. Cher later visited the store, Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1999, made several purchases and gave tickets to the Mr. Charles staff. (AP Photo/Michael Stephens)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_AP99031801017-1.jpgFormer Oscar winner Cher is shown in this March 18, 1999 photo. An upscale fashion boutique called Mr. Charles prevented Cher’s personal assistant from making a credit card purchase with Cher’s credit card when she could not produce a photo ID. Cher later visited the store, Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1999, made several purchases and gave tickets to the Mr. Charles staff. (AP Photo/Michael Stephens)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are well-adjusted people. Your dual nature is rife with internal checks and balances: You’re sick, but you’re funny; self-absorbed, but affectionate; overly-talkative, but entertaining; spoiled but generous; picky but adventurous. However, this array of internal contrasts is incredibly confusing to some simpler folk who only believe in or are one thing at a time. Because you actually need a few of these dolts on your side, help them. Dumb down your self-presentation so they can wrap their minds around it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sand fleas. Your week is infested with them. You’ve developed an emotional buffer zone; emotional tides no longer seriously erode your shoreline of self-belief. But all that work won’t help you; there are no floods expected, only a plague of pests, metaphorical sand fleas biting your ankles and tender places and making you itchy and bitchy. This isn’t a beach you can simply walk away from. These tenacious critters are likely to come with you. There’s only one thing you can do: Marshal your patience, sit down, and pick them off. Whether you crush or drown them is up to you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Felling a tree requires tremendous stamina and effort, especially one as old and thick as the one before you. However, you require more than determination (which you have in spades). Without the proper tools you’re screwed. Right now you’re equipped with a puny steak knife, bound to snap before you’ve properly penetrated the bark. Luckily there are better tools (read: people) who can help you get the job done. Be careful who you choose, though. Avoid the top-notch superstar. They may be the metaphorical equivalent of a chainsaw, but they work solo and break down or run out of fuel easily. A better choice might be the pair of good old-fashioned ax-wielding lumberjacks who don’t need to shine and are just happy to get the job done.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The first impression most people get of you is of a very high-maintenance person. It’s partially accurate. What isn’t immediately apparent, is your maintenance routines are almost completely self-contained. In other words, they don’t know you’re good at taking care of nearly all your own needs, as well as accepting some of the burdens those around you carry. The new people who are just getting to know you need to know this, too, and fast, or they’ll ditch you for someone who seems easier to handle (but actually isn’t).

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re not a storm-the-gate type. Flat-out attacking a fortress, like the one before you, just isn’t your style. You’re more likely to lay in a quiet siege. Starve them out. You’re patient. Eventually, whoever you’re trying to get to has got to open up, right? Not this time. There’s too much pride lurking inside those metaphorical castle walls. They’re not going to let you in (or come out) until you’ve shown them you really want it. Unless you make a convincing show of trying to scale the battlements or batter down the door, they’ll starve before they let you (or anybody) in.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Every one of your exes still masturbates to your memory. It doesn’t matter if you ended on horrible terms, screaming filthy curses at each other, or if you never saw each other again after that final bout of break-up sex. I can guarantee they still think about you. This is one of your superpowers. Don’t abuse it (hopefully you learned that lesson after your 138th screw-up). Wielding your magical ability to make a permanent sexual imprint on someone can yield a win-win (or even a win-win-win) this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Watch your weight, baby. You’ve got to stay fit and lean (or at least no fatter than you already are) for summer’s adventures. This week’s astrological influences aren’t going to help you in this department. If you don’t develop some serious resistance you’re going to have to buy bigger, looser clothing. It’s an easy choice, really. Watch: butter and chocolate now, or sex and excitement all summer.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Caps are the fiercest partiers in the zodiac. No one knows how to turn it up better than you; it’s that whole work hard, play hard thing. With next week’s astrological influences dosing your sign with three different flavors of intoxication, you’re in for some wild times. You’ll probably end up playing harder than you have yet this year. If you want to rock out with your metaphorical cock out next week, you need to press it to the grindstone this one.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Get used to the nagging feeling you’re missing something big. It’s astrologically-induced. What you’ve actually forgotten (or perhaps procrastinated about so long you delusionally thought it went away) isn’t your sunglasses, wallet, or house key. It’s something you were supposed to say or do ages ago. The reason the stars are plaguing you now is that it’s almost too late. Either you do it right now, or you kick yourself at least until 2020.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

A stand of saplings has sprouted in your spiritual backyard. They’re pretty, but they’re blocking sunlight from hitting your house, and, more importantly, the garden you need to survive. They’ve got to go. Whether any trees (or dreams, or relationships) need to die, though, is up to you; they’re still small enough to dig up and transplant. Which will you inflict on these saplings: tremendous suffering (and possible survival), or a quick death? It’s a tough choice, but do all concerned a favor by making it consciously, and not by default.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

We already know it’s all about you. Given this week’s astrological influences, it might be difficult to imagine that everyone you know isn’t fascinated by whatever strokes of fantastic or horrible fortune have lately befallen you. They’re not interested, though, at least not as consistently or passionately as you think. We love you, dearly, but this kind of babble is best reserved for your therapist or diary. Give us what we want, darling: the lowdown, not the breakdown.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I love the way a ripe, juicy peach tastes after a day in the ocean, the sharp sweet tang as it washes the salt from my mouth. I only mention it because you’re fruit this week, too. Not in any tacky slangy way, but in exactly this one: you have the power to provide a refreshing and satisfying contrast to the bitter ocean most of the people you know are stuck swimming in all day, with just a joke or a smile. You can’t imagine how much they need what you have to offer. Don’t deny them.

Donald Trump

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/web1_donald-trump.jpgDonald Trump AP photo

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Stop obsessing about freedom. It’s great on many levels, but it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. It might not be what you need right now. You’re pulling a the-grass-is-greener-where-I’m-not head trip, all the while not noticing the emerald-hued shades covering your eyes. Take off the filters and walk over. You’ll find it’s as brown and crab-grass covered as your own lawn. By then, though, it’d be too late—walking away from this kind of thing is rarely reversible. Consider sticking around. Spread some new seed and fertilizer; if you still think your neighbor’s lot is better in a month, head on over.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It never fails. Your birthday season swings around, and for some perverse reason everyone chooses this time to dump on you. Luckily, what they’re dishing out is dramatically different from what you’ve received in years past. The annual Bitchfest is hereby redubbed a Lovefest. Prepare to be showered with affection, praise, respect, and gifts. Don’t let waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or the sour notes in the mix, ruin things for you. This is potentially as sweet as things get, so enjoy it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I sleep better during a storm. The rumble of thunder and the slapping stutter of a hard rain makes me feel cozy and safe in my warm, dry bed. I’m lulled and comforted by all that ferocity just outside my window. Sometimes, when things are quiet, it’s perversely difficult to find that kind of serenity. That’s your problem this week. The tranquility that surrounds you only makes your most unpleasant thoughts louder by contrast. Not that you ought to endeavor to drown them out completely. However, immersing yourself in a bit more noise and activity, so they have to fight to be heard, may give you some perspective on how important (or not) they actually are.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Who’s your daddy? Where’s your momma? These are vital questions for you this week; you need to get in touch with whomever embodies these energies in your life — whether they’re your actual parents or not. It’s important to check in with these sweet sources of authority, wisdom, and love every once in a while. You can get caught up in the bustle of life and forget what actually matters. You suck at reminding yourself about important shit when you’re busy, so these guys have their work cut out for them. They know it. Let them do their job. All you’ve got to do is show up, and listen.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Let someone else drive the car—literally and figuratively. Just relax, close your eyes, and allow someone to steer. That’s the easy part. The hard part is deciding who that someone ought to be. Choose well; your next road trip is apt to be quite a long one. Don’t select the exciting and sexy sprinter who’s first on your list, despite the temptation; instead pick the person who’s good for the long haul, and who’s more likely to be able to cope with your myriad moods, not just the one you’re in at the moment.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Tossing your nets into the sea is an act of faith. Beyond choosing the right spots to let them loose, you have almost no control over what comes back. You might get some big fish, a desperate drowning dolphin, or a chunk of floating trash. Don’t count on being fed this week; spiritual nourishment is no more likely (or less likely) than a mess for you to clean up. The only way to avoid this — good or bad — is to keep your nets dry and not catch anything at all.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Throughout your life, you’ve struggled to choose between two potential responses to volatile situations: anger, or magnanimous forgiveness. You’re big enough to throw your weight around effectively, but you’re also big enough to forgive and forget. This week’s conundrum is a toss-up; you could really handle it either way, which is why it’s so hard to decide which approach would be the best. Instead of considering things from your perspective, try to see what’s best for the person at the heart of the problem. Would they benefit more from discipline or absolution? Now the answer’s obvious, right?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your Sagittarian brethren may have the option of forgiving and forgetting, but you don’t, at least not this week. When someone tries to walk all over you (or even hints that they might want to), nip that shit in the bud. You’ve got too much power and pride to serve as doormat. There are times you’re required to bend and compromise; this, however, isn’t one of them. You’re likely to lose it should a footprint mar the back of your shirt. And we know what happens when you snap: explosions, big ones. Avoid that kind of mess by standing straight and tall and declaring to all and sundry: You can’t walk here.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve developed a horribly annoying habit of ignoring advice lately. You know best, huh? Well, maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not. Only time will tell whether your way is better than the highway. So you’re not prepared to gamble on anything other than your own hunches. Fine. I may not know your best bet as well as you do, but I do know this: If you continue to ask for counsel and then not heed it, some of those whose words you spurn won’t bother to offer them (or anything) next time around.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You, Fish, wear many hats. Problem is, you’ve only got one head, and donning more than two or three at a time becomes embarrassing and unwieldy. A handful of willing and at least partially-able assistants who are ready to try on any hat you hand them. Sure, none of them are likely to do as good a job as you would on your best day. But they’ll probably do better than you would if you had to tackle all their tasks at once. Delegate. Everyone will do their best. The result won’t be perfect, or all you hoped for, but it’ll still be better than you expected.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Remember that old saw: the bigger they come, the harder they fall. It’s supposed to give you courage when you’re up against that implacable fat foe once again this week. Their metaphorical girth is daunting and scary, but you’re spiritually lean, and more than a match for the waddling might. Perhaps this sounds too epic to describe what you’re actually facing and going through—possibly a petty dispute with your landlord or an ongoing quarrel with a coworker—but it might help to think of it as something legendary. Whip out your slingshot, David. Goliath is going down.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

No one ought to work for free all the time. But not doing anything without money in the hand? That’s messed up. Consider your own motivations. Naturally, some of them need to revolve around getting your bills paid—but if all of them do, something’s seriously wrong. That can’t feel good, either. This week, if your attitude needs fixing, attend to it, please.

Chris Pratt

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/web1_pratt-1.jpgChris Pratt

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You water signs are nothing if not totally yourselves. You get into the most trouble when you try to conform to other people’s expectations, simply because you’re fluid enough to effortlessly flow into the molds they’ve created for you—temporarily. That same dynamism makes staying within the lines your parents, friends, and lovers have drawn practically impossible. Resist assuming the shape or adopting the timetable someone wants you to take on. It’ll just lead to confusion, disappointment and strife when you seep, evaporate or expand beyond its borders. Tell them you’re a precocious late bloomer and you need to approach tasks in your own way and time. Be clear: They can accept that, or get out of your way.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Astrological forces are conspiring to make you crazy attractive. You’ll attract loads of loving attention, of varying types and intensities, without even trying. It’s not that the coming months will be drab and tedious by comparison; it just might not be quite this special.. Enjoy it while it lasts. Above all, please don’t play the pleasure-deferring games you sometimes get mixed up in, because at least some of the current pleasantness is definitely of the now-or-never variety. Grab it, or give it up.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Bees communicate by dancing, and so should Virgos. You talk too much, you think too much, you do too much. I’m not foolhardy enough to advise you to chill out and lay around; you’d never do it, unless someone huge sat on you and made you do it. You’ve got too much energy to burn. But give your brain a break, OK? My advice for this week is so simple it’s ridiculous: dance. Dance until your arches fall, your clothes are soaked, and you can’t stop smiling. Doesn’t matter where or how or with whom. I guarantee you’ll have a better idea, when you’re finished, of exactly where the honey is.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some complain that Librans lack stick-to-it-iveness. It’s not that you don’t have the strength or discipline to see something through to the end, it’s that you sometimes don’t care enough to bother. That’s not necessarily a critique; you move on well. But occasionally you need to stand your ground and stick something out, even if it’s unpleasant, or you’re lured by (supposedly) better things, or even if you believe the venture is doomed. Plant your heels. Ignore the carrots and sticks goading you toward new territory. Right here’s where you’re supposed to be, so stay.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You wear intensity like a mink coat on a sultry midsummer afternoon. You wish you could step out of it sometimes, but it’s no use trying; there are more layers of fur coats under there. The heat, isn’t external; it’s coming from within, and there’s no off switch. For good or ill, you’re not the only one feeling the burn; you’re just the only one who can’t decide whether or not you want to sweat it out. Whether you desire company in this emotional sauna is your decision; if you do, now’s the time to sweeten the deal — start buying ice cream and air conditioners like there’s no tomorrow, and whoever you want to stick around might.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Cut up your metaphorical credit cards. Living in material debt is one thing, especially because you’ve mostly accumulated it acquiring experiences, not possessions. But spiritual debt is another story, and it’s not healthy to let it build up or stick around long. Before you know it, it’ll be holding you back on so many levels it won’t matter where you go, how much money you spend, or even who you sleep with. You know what you need to do. Make things right. Remember—this isn’t the kind of debt you simply pay off. It’s the kind of debt you transcend.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Hate is hate and love is love. Embrace the latter. They both breed themselves, so think about which you want to see more of in the world. Love is an action, not just a feeling, and there are few better at taking disciplined, thoughtful action than you Caps. Lead by example and show what it means to practice compassion and love. Let it infuse everything you do—your work especially. Even if you’re not a natural born leader, you usually find yourself with a significant degree of influence. Wield it to create more of the stuff that matters—not money, but love.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Some things should stay in the realm of fantasy. Living in a gingerbread house or coating your lover in hot fudge; these are actually more likely to be gross than appealing. Many of your other sexual and emotional desires are equally unappetizing when removed from the fuzzy confines of your imagination. In there, it’s easy to edit certain details out, fast forward through slow or clumsy sections, and linger on the good stuff. Unless you’re on exactly the right drugs, reality doesn’t usually work that way, though. Remember that this week, when the opportunity to actualize a fantasy of yours manifests. Will it translate, or deteriorate? Might it keep better in your head, where you can savor it for years?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes you want a dog collar to wear, and someone to hold the leash. It’s not because you’re especially kinky (although you are, admit it). You just often long for someone to take care of you, to absolve you of all responsibility. If you’re unlucky enough to be exceptionally good-looking or talented, someone might actually play this role for you—until you’re about 25, at which point they’d probably leave you high and dry with virtually no real-life coping skills and hardly any actual friends. Resist donning the collar this week, or ever again (except for an occasional evening’s bedroom experiment). It’s a harsh truth, but it’s better you accept (and cope with) it sooner, rather than later: you might have allies in this life, but mostly, you’re on your own.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Stock your freezer with bags and bags of frozen peas. You’ll need them for all the bruises, black eyes and assorted other injuries you’re sure to acquire this month. And that’s good news. Remember, collecting minor wounds is apparently what passes for fun in your world lately, filled with rough and tumble sports, crazy-ass sex, and juvenile horseplay. You can take it. In fact, it’s downright good for you; considering who you are and what you’re capable of, if you’re not playing rough enough to hurt yourself (just a little) right now, you’re not really living your life.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Be careful whose fingernails you let scrape across your skin this week. There’s only so many scratches you can blame on the cat, and when the marks run across your back even that excuse doesn’t fly. I hear you telling me: “But I’m not breaking any rules.” Maybe not technically, but I’m guessing there are a few unwritten rules whose lines you’re crossing. Maybe it’s time you expanded beyond those boundaries—it could be that they’re just too limiting. But don’t you think it’d be better to do it on the up-and-up, with everyone’s knowledge (and perhaps, if you’re lucky, blessing)?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re goofy, quirky, friendly, unique, eminently likable, creative, funny, talkative… But sometimes people have trouble taking you seriously. This can extend to imagining a serious relationship with you, or just trusting you with their innermost feelings, or similarly intimate things. Of course, you and I both know you’re up for this kind of heavier stuff as well. It’s not even that those denying you think you’re unworthy. They simply assume you’re uninterested. They’re wrong, of course, but how to show it? Figuring out that dilemma is—you guessed it—this week’s assignment.

Ariana Grande

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/web1_ariana-grande-1.jpgAriana Grande

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Didn’t think you could overdose on intimacy did you? You believe in your own stamina, your ability to engage in—relish, even—emotional process for days on end. But how many heart-to-hearts can even your robust organ take before it’s pulped into jelly? This week you may find out, but I hope you’re wise enough to take a break before it comes to that. Don’t let things get to the snapping point, in an effort to prove yourself a superhumanly compassionate listener. Take some space before you get bitchy, while you can still do so gently. You have limits, whether you like it or not. Respect them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don’t take anyone for granted this week. While most of your usual gang is lining up their vocal support for whatever you have in mind, your strongest and most important ally may have serious reservations. These could come up at an awkward time if you simply assume all along that they’ve got your back. You’ll want to heed whatever your best bud has to say, and it’ll be awkward for them to speak their mind in front of a mob of your rabid fans. Make sure you know the opinions of those you want to count on, before you need to count on them.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Without sex to provide some kind of glue, romantic relationships tend to fall apart. A good friendship is infinitely more complex, interesting, rewarding, and solid than most “intimate” connections. It’s all right for mutual physical pleasure to provide some of the bond between two people, especially in the beginning of a relationship, but eventually, unless some more enduring, deep, non-physical connection is cultivated, the relationship will fall apart. This week, develop what goes on between you and your partner out of bed, so that it’s at least as strong as what happens in it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I’m often hard on Libras. I use that classic excuse to beat someone up: it’s because you can take it, and, more importantly, because I’m trying to get you to fulfill your potential. Libras have it so easy; you need to be pushed to develop yourselves. You’re generally smart, attractive, creative, and likeable. It’s awfully simple to glide by on those fine traits and just sort of be normal, nice—and, ultimately, mediocre. But I say if you can step it up and be better than pretty good—and you can—you should.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your predilection toward extremes of all kinds is a near-compulsion to leave no stone unturned—within yourself as well as without. As you’ve already discovered, many times, that can be dangerous. I won’t discourage you from this intrepid exploration, however, despite its hazards; it’s necessary, important, and admirable. But please consider the timing. What you do and where you go (mentally as well as physically) impacts other people besides yourself. You don’t necessarily owe it to them to wait until the time is right for everyone—but that kind of patience makes an awfully nice gift.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You already know how all these stories turn out, and no matter which channel you switch to you’re doomed to experience something worse than déjà vu. It may be tempting to inject some new elements just to screw them up. You certainly could, if you chose to. But I wouldn’t; any deviation from the course this week means a more negative, less satisfying outcome, and ultimately a more frustrating week than you were in for before. So you have to watch a few repeat episodes of shows you never particularly liked. So what? Relax. There’ll be enough chaos and uncertainty in the next couple of weeks to more than make up for their absence in this one.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You need to dig a little deeper. That is, if you want to keep that special someone in your life, you’ve got to come up with and offer just that little bit more than you have so far. Otherwise s/he’s going to walk, and sooner rather than later. People need change, growth, expansion, development. And even though you’ve provided all those things, sometimes they need even more of them, faster. That’s just one of the compromises of being in a relationship. In other words, if you’ve got more to offer, put it out there, swiftly. If you don’t, get ready to say goodbye.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You can’t bake a cake in half the time by doubling the temperature. Try not to let your impatience get the best of you this week. It could be frustrating while you wait for certain necessary processes to play themselves out. Why can’t people just skip to the end that’s so obvious to you? Same reason the cake can’t rise into its sweet fluffy glory except in its own sweet fluffy time. Don’t turn up the heat, despite your current hotheadedness. You’ll just burn the cake and mess everything up. Patience, darling; your dessert is coming.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Extreme forces confuse and paralyze you when they’d polarize almost everyone else, and spur them to action. During weeks like this one, rife with messy, subtle, conflicting influences that would bewilder most of the more straightforward signs (especially those relatively simple Leos and Aries), you thrive. An intricate maze full of subtle, almost indiscernibly different choices is ideal for you. Luckily that’s just what this week provides. Wind your way through it, and if you encounter any bewildered fire signs along the way, let them tag along, would you?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re lucky you’re not susceptible to the same confusing forces acting on your astrological neighbors, those Pisces, because they’d mess you up. Fortunately for you, everything this week is exactly how you like it; more or less straightforward, clear-cut, and unambivalent. Or so it might seem. It’s not that deceptions abound at the moment. No one’s got balls enough to out-and-out lie to your face. But should you come to the wrong conclusion on your own, no one’s likely to set you straight, either. In other words, before you make what seems like an obvious decision, check your facts. They might be false.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Some people will pack up their whole lives and move on a whim. They’re not Bulls. As much as you can appreciate someone’s desire to, say, live by the ocean, you’d never quit your job and schlep your shit somewhere for that reason alone. You need a lengthy rationale before you consider drastic changes, and lots of time to weigh all the factors of your decision. Sometimes, you don’t have time to figure out all the details before you take the plunge. There are opportunities that vanish overnight, and people who don’t have that much patience. This week, if pressed into a decision you’re not ready for, don’t balk; this choice will be made, one way or another. It’s up to you: Trust your gut and leap, or dig in your heels and let this one happen by default.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Twice now I’ve dreamt about Gemini friends conducting very unusual, uncharacteristic searches. In one, a tall, hairy, and very straight Gem friend was on the hunt for a pair of glamorous high-heeled shoes that’d fit his massive, crooked-toed feet. In the other, a friend who already has two more kids than she’d ever planned on, restlessly sought babies—both animal and human—to kidnap and make her own. Are you, too, hunting something that isn’t exactly appropriate, and—despite its quirky possible appeal—doesn’t make any sense? I wish you’d stop chasing wild geese, especially since some tame, golden-egg laying ones are hanging out right nearby, just waiting for you to notice them.

Sofia Vergara

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/web1_hotpursuitsofiavergarareesewitherspoon.jpgSofia Vergara

I know that it’s beach time. The last thing you need to concentrate on is your hair, but it follows us wherever we go, and you can’t keep that beach hat on all summer. You’ll thin out your hair.

Aires: So you’re thinking of big and voluminous, but you have the urge to hack it off. Your choice darling.

Taurus: The last time you went to a salon, your stylist created the opposite of what you thought you wanted. Blame the stars. Instead of expecting this artist to read your mind, show her a picture.

Gemini: Illusion, fantasy, and stress. Have your hair rinsed with ice cold water, and then explain exactly what you want.

Cancer: This is your month. After a full day at the spa, finish with a hairdo that will make you look irresistible at the candlelight dinner you reserved for two.

Leo: Prepare for your August vacation with highlights and lowlights, but wait until you return for a trim.

Virgo: You should be in the money, baby, so make an appointment for color, haircut plus a mani and pedi.

Libra: Soon it will be your turn. Don’t forget you need to look successful. Appearance is everything!

Scorpio: You have so much energy, you can’t be held down. Just watch your Ps and Qs when speaking to your stylist. Remember your head will be in his or her hands.

Sagittarius: You feel exhausted, fat, and slightly depressed. Focus on your hair and makeup sweetheart, and pretend life is a cosmo!

Capricorn: You’ve been in vacation mode all summer, but that top bun can only travel so far before it crashes against your shoulders. A little trim, color, and a lot of conditioner will brighten you for your next vacation.

Aquarius: After you’ve digested Scorpio’s bitchiness at the office, march to your salon and reward yourself with the works. P.S. Turn off your phone.

Pisces: Still dreaming? Remember Neptune, your ruling planet, governs the feet. Its metal is platinum, its colors turquoise and lavender. After getting platinum highlights, have your toes painted turquoise and your fingernails lavender.

Carolyn Salvaggio

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/web1_star5-1.jpgCarolyn Salvaggio Amanda Hrycyna| Weekender

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/web1_summerhair-1.jpgAmanda Hrycyna| Weekender

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This week’s theme: Cancer control issues. Unfortunately for your clutching instinct, the big juicy fish you’re embracing needs to be held loosely. Squeeze it too tightly and it’ll freak out and wriggle free, back into the vast ocean, where you’ll never find again. The only way to keep this baby close is to barely hold it at all. Don’t give it anything to struggle against, or you’ll quickly discover just how slippery those shiny scales are. It’s a tough choice: Will you keep this love close, on his or her terms, forsaking all your own? Or will you decide it’s your way or no way, and force this one to escape forever?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Love and sex don’t always line up for you. It’s special and rare when they mesh well into some kind of cohesive whole. That’s why I want you to treasure this week, because your heart and your genitals are on the same page for once. If you have someone to celebrate this with, well hallelujah. If you don’t, you at least have the chance to actually figure out what kind of person is going to take care of both these parts of you—which will also give you the chance of finally finding them.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgos are generally kind, but your tongues have razor edges when you choose to wield them as weapons. The temptation to verbally flay those you despise, oppose, or merely look down upon will be virtually irresistible this week. You’ll be nearly as surprised as everyone else when the vitriol simply begins spewing from your mouth. Chances are, you won’t be able to stop this thing. Go ahead and give those guys the tongue-lashing they’ve evidently got coming to them. Just try not to say anything that’s going to completely burn bridges. Don’t exceed a light char and you’ll be doing just fine.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re likely to be presented with a myriad of temptations this week, all of which endanger your integrity; something much more important than you think, which you’d discover to your dismay once it became compromised. I’d rather you didn’t experience that dark and virtually irreversible revelation. Keep a tight rein on your activities and the things you agree to. Sleep on any big decisions, and if anyone pushes you to act faster than that, simply say no—regardless of what’s on offer.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When your dog comes in reeking of whatever dead thing he was just rolling in, you don’t cast him out of your life forever. You give him a bath, then you forgive him and move on. He’s just being a dog, after all. Why, when an important human you know makes a similar “mistake,” do you consider leaving her by the wayside? Should she have known better? Absolutely. Will it happen again? Probably. Can you live with this? Actually, yes—provided you’re willing to let go of or alter some preconceptions you’ve held onto from day one. Do you want to lose some silly ideas, or a pretty great person (who’s just not perfect)?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Fine motor control is tricky for an ogre. And since this week the part of the violent, ham-handed giant is being played by you, be especially careful. What you intend as a gentle and friendly critique could easily turn into a full-on evisceration. A pat on the back is likely to crush those you want to congratulate. Turn down your intensity meter 90 percent. Everyone are all fragile butterflies at the moment, compared to you. You could accidentally destroy them with a breath, a touch, or a word. You can’t help being an ogre, perhaps—but you can at least be a patient, peace-loving one.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The other night three strangers approached me to tell me I was a good dancer. They weren’t even hitting on me; as far as I could tell, they had no ulterior agenda besides exchanging a friendly word. This is the kind of thing you can expect (and accept) this week: sweet gestures from friends but also strangers, for no reason you can (or should bother to) discern. Maybe they’re just trying to improve their own karma, or earn a metaphysical boy scout badge by doing good deeds. My advice is simple, and easy to follow: when someone is nice to you this week, simply accept it. Sometimes face value is exactly what it’s worth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The suspense (or lack thereof) is killing you. If your life were a novel, these chapters might bore the hell out of you, pertaining as they do to some sub-plot you have no interest in. However, even if you have the opportunity to skip ahead and read the end of the book this week, I beg you not to. You’d not only be missing out on a lot of good stuff in between, but you’d cheat yourself as well. Let me explain: The ending changes (or at least takes on a whole new meaning) when you have no idea what came before.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Illusions abound this week. We already know our country isn’t nearly as free as it pretends to be; kids are never as innocent or worldly as they present themselves; same goes for adults. There are layers of glamour all around you; and each one has its own origin and intention. Your job this week is to unravel these. Being a master of disguise and deception yourself, you’re more equipped than anyone else I know to pierce these veils and expose what’s behind them.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Adopting a puppy is a ton of work—but if you don’t put in the time that first year, you’re going to make even more work for yourself in the long run. On the other hand, adopting an older dog may be less work, but you’re more likely to be stuck with habits and baggage you don’t fully understand and can’t always help. There are pros and cons to both approaches, and even though you’re probably not actually welcoming a canine into your home this week, the parallels between that and your current situation shouldn’t be lost on you. Which would you rather do, build something from the ground up, or add on to someone else’s work?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You don’t usually cope well with disappointment, although you may hide your dismay expertly. It’s gotten so you get anxious whenever anyone promises to do anything for you, because you’re worried they’ll let you down. Luckily, this week, you can let your concerns go. Yes, you’re surrounded by flakes, but every once in a while they actually get their shit together and come through. Relax. This is one of those golden times when people will actually do what they say they’re going to do, and well. Leave them to it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I’m particularly fond of genre-crossing media. Horror-comedy, western-sci-fi, fantasy-space opera. This kind of creative boundary-crossing and territory-mixing really gets me off, and works for a lot of other people, too. In other words, you’re in luck, because you’re the ultimate genre-mixer. You can’t help it; you’re in trouble whenever anyone asks you to be one thing. Thankfully, more people are realizing that being one thing is as dull as dishwater. All that care you’ve been taking to keep the chocolate out of the peanut butter? Screw it. It’s exactly that delicious combination we’re interested in.

Luke Bryan performs at LP Field at the CMA Music Festival on Friday, June 12, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Al Wagner/Invision/AP)

http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/web1_bryan-1.jpgLuke Bryan performs at LP Field at the CMA Music Festival on Friday, June 12, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Al Wagner/Invision/AP)Times Leader file photo